Feedburner Is Run By Teenagers

Feedburner QuestionWould the teenagers running the Feedburner RSS Subscription software please make themselves known.

Listen guys, I am trying to keep my patience, I really am, but three times now (don’t let me say it again) THREE TIMES NOW your sadistic subscription software has let me down.

I AM taking a deep breath, and stop telling me to calm down, young man.

I want to support you because that is what love is all about isn’t it?  Unconditional and all-forgiving?  I admit though young people you and your Feedburner antics are starting to get on my very last nerve.

I am not a statistics junkie, but I do like to keep in touch with my subscribers; feed out quality content, and submit that content at a relevant time of day since my readership spans more than one Continent.  Is that such a big ask?

Is it such a big ask that you actually WORK!

Now, you all enticed me over to this thing when I was quite happy with the low key option Wordpress was offering.  But, just like the dishwasher you all begged for and promised to stack and run, or the new puppy you were going to walk and take care of everyday, things are starting to go awry.  I have been left with a pile of dirty dishes and the untrained dog is sh*tting everywhere.

Now, unless you all start to pull yourselves together, there is definitely going to be a ‘misunderstanding’.  So, before that happens why don’t we try to talk it through.   Why don’t you help me help you shed a little light on what has been going on.  Eh?  WHY DON’T WE DO THAT?

For starters, why are you and your friend Feedburner so sluggish and reluctant to get going in the mornings?  It’s not drugs is it?  Okay.

Well then, I see my ‘Uncommon Usage’ has gone up.  So, instead of sitting yourselves down and doing the job you are being asked to do, you and Feedburner are out partying until the small hours of the morning?  Is that it?  Because I would definitely count that as some uncommon usage.  Look at me when I’m talking to you.

Are you all anorexic maybe?  Why?  Because at the beginning of the week I had a chock load of subscribers and by the end of it, I was down to 2.  Although … another time I had more than quadrupled my subscriber base. However, in the blink of an eye, my subscriber base had been purged down to 1.  Oh Lord, you’re all Bulimic!  No?

In any case, your temperamental comings and goings have to stop.   You are not so grown that you can just waltz off my screen without telling me where you’re going.  At the very least it’s impolite and, at the worst, it’s abrupt.  Stop the smirking.

I also don’t understand why my Feedburner graphs are up and down like a whore’s draws.  No. No. No.  Please do not tell me you’re out there paying for sex.  That would explain at least why there is no money to keep Feedburner going.

Do not turn your back on me while I am talking to you.

Arrggh, the damned thing has gone down again.  Oh ... I get it.  I suppose this is the rebel in you all.  Stomping off to your rooms with the magic that is Feedburner.  Well you know what?  Keep it.  I’ve had enough of your rudeness.  I’d say go for broke, but I see Feedburner has already anticipated me there.

Guys, I’m weary.  Let’s not say anymore lest we both end up doing something you’ll regret.  Come and find me in the morning when you are all willing to behave sensibly.

Yes, I want to love you too.

HMS HerMelness Speaks


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