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Weddings and funerals. Those are the only occasions for which I will wear a dress. And when I do don a cute little sleeveless number and heels, I feel kind of awkward. Though, I would feel more awkward if I didn't wear one when the occasion called for it. It's not even that I don't look good in a dress, or that I don't like dresses. I see dresses all the time that I think are super cute, and think that I'd look good in. But I'm just not that kind of girl. I'm not feminine enough, or I should say that I don't feel feminine enough, to carry them off. When I wear a dress, I feel a bit like I'm in drag. And don't even think about asking me to put on make-up. The thought of make-up alone, is enough to cause me high anxiety.
I've often wished I were different. Wished I were more feminine. I somehow have this notion that if I were more feminine, then I would better be able to relate to other women. I could get past feeling like I'm not really a woman, but I'm also not, not a woman. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to most, but I don't know how to explain it really. I'm sure my feeling less than, runs in the same vein as body image issues. At the same time, in wishing I were more feminine, that doesn't mean that I wish to identify as femme. Not that there is anything wrong with identifying as femme. In fact, I find femme identity, and the diversity within femme identity fascinating.
I don't remember a time when the butch/femme stereotypes and relationship dynamic didn't exist. However, when I was young and newly gay, it seemed like the femmes were very few and far between, by comparison. But then again, it was the 90's in the Midwest, and it seemed that most of the lesbians I knew tended toward something between butch and femme. Not choosing any sort of identity beyond lesbian or bi. Maybe it was the times, or maybe we were just young and still trying to figure out who we were, or maybe I'm full of crap, but it seems that there is much more diversity and a broader definition in the femme identity today, than there used to be.
When I think femme, I'll admit, I think High Femme. I think skirts or dresses. Perfect hair. Perfect make-up. High heels. A distinctively female walk. But it's more than just that. It's and attitude. A certain mind set.
Ms Hinterland Femme talks about her femmeness in her post Being Femme: Why Yes It Is Fabualous, Thanks.
While it is easiest to point out my femmeness in my dress (and allow me to point out that I interpret my femmeness in high heels, but it could just as easily be exemplified in combat boots), it is marked for me in many ways. My hips swap back and forth hard when I walk because I consciously think about walking femme (and call it my bubblegum walk). I move my hands and other body parts in specific ways that feel femme to me. When I respond to the world, I think of myself, my views, my femme perspective, and femme self. And, while, it is easy to say that maybe these abilities are affectations picked up along the way in the attempt to emulate something or someone else, that is a blatantly untrue statement. Femme is my inner self, my true self, and I use her to wade through my day.
Scarlett Lotus writes about what femme is, in her post How I Define Femme, at The Femme's Guide. She says
My basic definition of a femme is someone who consciously chooses to embrace fem(me)ininity as a "deviant" identity. I believe femme is a conscious genderfuck in the rouse of traditional femininity. The major difference between a feminine woman and a femme is conscious gender performance, and anyone who consciously takes on the role of femininity as a deviant identity can be femme.
I don't believe that femme is reserved for any type of person, there are femmes of all sexes, orientations, sizes, colors, etc. The only thing I believe must be present in order to embrace the identity of femme is just that: embracing the identity and
