Finding Out About a Death on Facebook

I've had a few friends' and relative's deaths "announced" on facebook. I think that death is such a difficult thing for people to handle, the idea of being able to go online and put the announcement in one place is appealing for most people. If you're the family member who has to call people to tell them, it wears on you very quickly, and the thought of going to facebook and putting the news down once makes it a lot easier emotionally. For the people who are left, the discomfort of what to say to the grieving person is alleviated when you can sit and stare at your computer screen for a while before deciding what to say to them.

I personally would follow up with someone after a facebook condolence was delivered. It seems to me to be an easy way out to just put a generic "thinking of you" message on someone's board then leave it at that. Even sending a card is more personal and shows more effort.

I'm 43, and I've only been on FB for a couple years (..so I'm still a bit 'old school' about matters like this)

Recently, two 20-something, well-known, well-liked young adults were murdered.

The mother of one of these victims happens to be on my FB (and although, as you mentioned, our relationship doesn't run that deep - I still feel awful that she is going through this right now).

A close friend sent your blog to me after I'd become very frustrated with how exactly things work now with expressing condolences and sharing information about someones death on FB. I found this blog extremely helpful.

One thing I would like to add is that, with these sudden, tragic deaths in my town...I found it difficult to see comments *following* a condolence post with someone asking "What happened?" or "What do you think happened?" Honestly, ask this privately OR pick up a newspaper...show a little sensitivity.

TW,

I am also a voracious obit reader, even though I no longer live in my home state. In fact, it's one of the things that makes me homesick because I know I'll never see a familiar face there. But, I read them anyway and, in fact, cut out my favorites and keep a collection. Morbid hobby, I know.

But your point is ... um, dead on. With the decline of dedicated obit readers, FB has taken its place. I had a neighbor like yours in San Francisco. He was 92 and sat on his stoop every day. When he wasn't there one day, we just had to assume he'd passed on.

FB is our community paper now and this is how we connect with our neighbors, near or far, alive or not.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Wow. I think you just redefined the term "broadcasting" for me.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Oh, man. I'm so sorry about your grandfather's passing. Of course, you wanted to share what was going on with you but I think most of us have forgotten who exactly makes up our FB list these days.

Stories like this make me think it's a good idea to wait a day or two before posting a death announcement, just to make sure all family members have been informed the old-fashioned way.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

It's hard enough to express sincerity with an ink pen let alone a keyboard but yes, your instincts are correct. I think the effort of a heartfelt card - stamp and all - convey one's sympathy in a deeper sense.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

God, now I'm sad too! What a heartbreaker.

I think you can assume that when he posted that, he was looking to unload some of his grief by sharing. Sounds like he succeeded quite well. Though it may have ruined your day, he'll be carrying this feeling around for quite awhile.

In this day and age, I can confirm that I know a LOT of things I shouldn't know and yes, it's a burden.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Oh dear, that's just awful. When it comes to family deaths, FB is not the best way to announce it.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Oh my, that would be a terrible scenario. Yes, best to wait for confirmation. (Just ask NPR - they reported that Rep. Giffords had died before it was confirmed that she was not.)

I'm sorry to hear about your co-worker but it's great your company went to the trouble of honoring them online.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Thank you so much for this insight. I hadn't even thought about a deceased person's FB page serving as a standing memorial but of course it makes sense. Who would have guessed that FB also deliver a mortality of sorts?

Your point about the many pages that will be abandoned once the FB Generation starts to pass en masse - it's a fascinating concept.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

The more I read these comments, the more I am convinced that it is better to know about a friend's death - no matter how the message is relayed - than not to know. Discovering that a friend has passed is one thing but finding out months or years after the fact has to feel even worse.

And you've cut to the root of the quandary here for me, feelings of guilt or sadness over not being there in person. Cyber hugs are nice but nothing like the real thing.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

I appreciate the condolences. Even if the deceased were not people close to me, I grieve for my friends, who were.

I think you are right that my friends that posted the announcements had every right to do so - it was their story to tell - and they were seeking support from their online circle of friends.

Great example about your blog. I have no action plan for that but I suppose I should. I guess I just figured that my online persona would die alongside its' real world twin with little fanfare.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

CroMom,

Your situation illustrates a distinct line between inner circle/outer circle and I think that is very wise. Of course, your daughter's birth is a joyous occasion that anyone would want to hear about. (Congrats, btw!)

But when things turn a bit more serious, it's best to keep some things private or for family members only. Does someone you haven't seen since third grade really need to know the details of your family's medical challenges? Not necessary and it does no favors for your daughter either.

Thanks for weighing in on this and best of luck to your daughter on a speedy recovery.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Yeah, the distance thing really plays a factor in this. I, too, am far from my hometown so I rely on FB to let me know what is "breaking news" there. Also, I am still very close with my old friends so I genuinely want to know what is going on with them.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends' untimely passing. Sounds like they left a lot of great friends behind.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Heather - You are so right about the importance of acknowledgment. When someone close to us dies, there's really nothing else in our lives at that time. Describing the online statement as a "bridge" is an accurate description.

And you touch on something else, the reality that our online lives are becoming sharper mirrors for our real lives. People are sharing more in their online worlds than ever and that is only going to increase.

And I am deeply sorry for the loss of your husband. Reading your blog brought tears to my eyes - John sounded like a fine man and a loving father. You handled his passing with such eloquence and grace...God Bless you and your boys.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

I am so sorry to hear about this tragedy in your family. There really aren't words that cover something like this, except for maybe the wildly understated, "unfair."

It seems only natural that your nieces' peers have gathering on FB to mourn her death, celebrate her life and keep her memory alive just by their online conversations. But as we've been discussing in these comments, families should ideally be sharing these sentiments and memories through phone calls and visits. Ideally, but not always. It really depends on the family.

In the end, death is so beyond all of us - especially a violent death - that it leaves us speechless. Somehow, those typing fingers usually know what to say.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

We lost our son this past December so this topic is a bit personal for me. I think it is nice to think of an order of who should be notified and how, but it may not be realistic in all circumstances. I don't even know what the order was. I told my husband and my parents they needed to come while I was waiting for the ambulance.

Everything else is a blur until Christmas. I wrote on my blog. I wrote on Facebook. Twitter I avoided for almost two months. I couldn't handle the phone. My mom made and took the calls. I don't know how long it was before I talked to anyone, but total strangers knew about me trying to decide what to bury my son in.

Was it appropriate? I don't know. I wasn't thinking about them. I was grasping at thin air, confronted with a mountain of impossible decisions and just trying to make it through each minute of each day.

I had hundreds of messages on Facebook. My site went down from the traffic. My email box is still overflowing with messages I haven't been able to get to. I can't begin to recount the kindnesses extended to us from people I used to jokingly refer to as my "imaginary friends."

But I've learned they are very real. And sometimes it is nice to have someone to chat with at three in the morning, even if you only know them by the picture in their profile.

Homeschooling mother of six, one of whom has gone ahead to be with the Lord. Looking forward to the reunion.

Blogging at http://roscommonacres.com

First, I'm very sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Dealing with a mountain of phone calls in addition to the deep grief must have seemed overwhelming.

It won't be long now before this post becomes irrelevant. It wasn't that long ago when email was seen as a shallow form of communication and it is now seen as more formal, especially in comparison to texting.

Thanks for weighing in here, Paula.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

That is quite a family you have there. I'll bet the holidays are out of control. JEALOUS.

For a global clan such as your own, FB would most certainly be a godsend for covering everyone and all the time zones. Thanks for a great example!

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Marissa,

That StanleyCup4Cancer page is really something amazing. You've created a beautiful space where people can be updated and share their love, concerns and experiences.

And I like your point about how most of us don't know what to say in these situations and FB creates a 'safety buffer' where we can express our support without that awkward feeling, which as you point out, can go either way.

Finally, I wish comfort and healing for your brother and mother. Since bro is up the road from me, I will send some hardcore healing vibes straight west on 1-70.

Keep it up, M. You're a mighty force in this world.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Trust me, it all made a lot of sense! And I'm grateful for your comments here.

You are so right on about that need to be first! I hadn't even thought about that urge being a factor here. How many times have we scrolled down to look at blog comments only to see the first comment says something inane, like "FIRST!" and nothing more.

You're also right about the order of communication - inner circle gets the phone calls and emails, outer circle goes to FB. It should be a policy somewhere.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Oh, my. That's a tough situation for your daughter. Not only finding death on FB but two under such tragic circumstances.

You're right, it is never easy.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Interesting post.

I can understand how you feel, but I agree with a few others in seeing the FB glass half full. As I've gotten older, my social circle has grown to where it's difficult to stay in touch with everyone. Facebook gives me a 'pseudo' sense of closeness that I otherwise wouldn't have.

Memorial pages do weird me out a bit, but if they bring comfort to someone else, who am I to say they shouldn't be there?

For me, FB benefit outweighs burden.

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In March of last year, I was at work on a Saturday morning checking my emails in the school's common computer room (I used to work as an English teacher in a language school). Obviously, after checking my emails, I logged onto Facebook and scrolled down the newsfeed. A post between two friends' walls suddenly caught my eye - "I can't believe you're gone - RIP beautiful Anne."

RIP? I rushed onto the post and Anne's profile and discovered a multitude of condolence posts. Anne and I had gone to secondary school together before her parents had moved to the South of France. I had visited her there for 2 consecutive summers, where as 13 and 14 year old girls, we'd talked boys, clothes and shared our first joint. She'd always been mischievous and a little wild (as the joint story indicates).

There were no details on her page about the circumstances of her death but as a 23-year-old, I didn't feel reassured. After some internet searching, I found what I had been dreading. She'd died in India, whilst travelling, after a suspected overdose. She and I had grown apart in the years since adolescence, separated by countries, interest and I guess just life. We had still occasionally written emails but I hadn't even known she'd been travelling.

I rushed to message her brother, Fred, and send my condolences to her parents, who I had known well. I was unable to attend the funeral service and whilst Facebook had helped me find out about her death, I found it a meagre consolation for her mourning.

Now, nearly a year later, Facebook has begun to make me feel increasingly uneasy: her brother obviously has access to her profile and I therefore get updates about Anne. 'She' still accepts friend requests and photos of her fatal trip to India were recently posted.

How much is too much? I understand he is grieving but the access to her personal profile, her friends, her life, is clutching onto a line that perhaps should be left alone. But who am I to say? But a chill runs down my spine every time her name comes up on my news feed.

In March of last year, I was at work on a Saturday morning checking my emails in the school's common computer room (I used to work as an English teacher in a language school). Obviously, after checking my emails, I logged onto Facebook and scrolled down the newsfeed. A post between two friends' walls suddenly caught my eye - "I can't believe you're gone - RIP beautiful Anne."

RIP? I rushed onto the post and Anne's profile and discovered a multitude of condolence posts. Anne and I had gone to secondary school together before her parents had moved to the South of France. I had visited her there for 2 consecutive summers, where as 13 and 14 year old girls, we'd talked boys, clothes and shared our first joint. She'd always been mischievous and a little wild (as the joint story indicates).

There were no details on her page about the circumstances of her death but as a 23-year-old, I didn't feel reassured. After some internet searching, I found what I had been dreading. She'd died in India, whilst travelling, after a suspected overdose. She and I had grown apart in the years since adolescence, separated by countries, interest and I guess just life. We had still occasionally written emails but I hadn't even known she'd been travelling.

I rushed to message her brother, Fred, and send my condolences to her parents, who I had known well. I was unable to attend the funeral service and whilst Facebook had helped me find out about her death, I found it a meagre consolation for her mourning.

Now, nearly a year later, Facebook has begun to make me feel increasingly uneasy: her brother obviously has access to her profile and I therefore get updates about Anne. 'She' still accepts friend requests and photos of her fatal trip to India were recently posted.

How much is too much? I understand he is grieving but the access to her personal profile, her friends, her life, is clutching onto a line that perhaps should be left alone. But who am I to say? But a chill runs down my spine every time her name comes up on my news feed.

Now Facebook

I found out a week ago Sunday that my cousin was in the ICU on life support. We were told she would probably not make it through the night. After tracking her progress from her sister's FB postings, I discovered the next morning that the doctor's were right when her twin posted "I will forever miss my other half. RIP Michelle" & that was how I found out she had passed. Concurrently, my father had called & left a message but I hadn't actually gotten a hold of him until late that evening. Without the FB posting, I wouldn't have been able to get out of town as fast to attend the funeral & actually be with my family during the grieving process 1500 miles away.It's shocking, yes. But in this case, its better than not knowing at all.

Just my 2 cents.

xo, Shannon
www.livingwithumami.com ( http://www.livingwithumami.com )

Kristin,

Your story makes a great point for Facebook in this case. Sharing the news about your uncle's death put a big weight on you and your father. This is a "pro" illustration for how FB helps those that are still living.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

All the women I knew read the obits in the daily paper.

Relatives would send obits from their hometown about a childhood friend. Phone calls were expensive.

Facebook is rather like the daily paper. An obit for me or for Denise in the local paper probably wouldn't be seen by anyone who would recognize us or send the other any sort of caring thoughts. I don't know any daily newspaper obit readers in my area...even if they know me well--they wouldn't see the obit.

When we lived in Florida, about five years ago we had neighbors that we knew by sight. They always were working in the yard and we had chatted as we had gone about our lives. The man walked his dogs regularly. We stopped seeing him go by but his wife was walking the dogs. I said to the dog one day (yes, to the dog) "Where is your man? I haven't seen him around." His wife was left to explain that he had died some months before while they were visiting their children for the holidays.

A Facebook update would have saved some face for me and I could have offered condolences in a more timely way. (and taken a casserole or rolls over for them)

Retro-Food.com

I don't find it shocking that people announce deaths of loved ones on Facebook. We turn to our community to support us when we need support and for many of us our communities are online.

I grew up someplace they still announce death notices on the radio. Facebook? That's nothing compared to finding out someone you knew died while you are driving to the grocery store.

Contributing Editor Karen Ballum also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).

I was an accidental informant after my grandfather's death in 2010. Mom called. I called my husband home from work. And I turned to my computer to let my friends know what was going on. I forgot that my cousins on my mom's side were also on my FB. B read the message and unfortunately had to be the bearer of bad news for her family. (They hadn't got the call yet because mom was waiting until they were out of church. So I beat her to it accidentally.) I felt bad, but thinking to filter out family members who may or may not have been notified yet was not in my thought process at that time.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

A family friend just posted on facebook that her husband died. It was weird. Her 'friends' casual comments like 'praying for you' while probably very sincere, just didn't feel so. I still can't summon the courage, or the blithe ambition, to comment. I think I'll send her a real note, instead.

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I'm Facebook friends with some old high school pals who I haven't really spoken to or seen since graduation day (I'm sure I'm not alone in this). Last week one of those friends posted the following status "I love you." For a guy who never posted anything, it was an interesting status. After scrolling through various posts on his page, I learned that his wife of about 3 months had just passed (not sure how). It honestly made me so sad for the rest of the day. In a pre-Facebook world, I would have never know about this. It is clear friends and family knew first, but I question whether I should have known at all. Not sure if this knowledge is good or bad, but it seems to be the way things are now.

- Scarlet
-------------------------------------------- 
You can read Scarlet's snarky musings at Snarky Apple ( http://www.snarkyapple.com/ ).

More than once in the past year I have found out about the deaths of family members. Their deaths were not unexpected. I was the first of my side of the family to found out by reading a status update. It is jarring to wake up and check facebook only to see the soon to be published obit of a family member.

telling me about someone who had passed away while on a business trip. I just couldn't believe it and I didn't post anything on his facebook page until it was confirmed to me. Wouldn't you hate it if you posted something after hearing about someones passing and it was a mistake...YIKES! The wonderful thing about FB though is our company helped set up a beautiful tribute page on FB for our co-worker and we still go to check on what wonderful things have been posted about him.

I have two FB friends who died. They, themselves, died. One much too young and suddenly, and the other after a long period of illness and suffering.

The saddest part is how their Facebook profiles stay open and active for so long. Sad, in many ways, but still somehow bittersweet.

I cannot bring myself to take them off my friend list. And yet, when a birthday comes around and Facebook reminds me "Today is Fred's birthday", I go look at his wall and there are others like me. They write messages to the departed. "I miss you, Dad." "I think of you all the time, Uncle Darren." Stuff like that.

It's a living memorial. It's a place where people can "talk" to their departed loved one - much like a cemetery and gravestone must have been for our grandparents.

It's also a reminder to me to check in on those left behind - to jot a note to the widow a year later... "Thinking of you on Fred's birthday. Just thought I'd let you know."

I wonder how many FB accounts of those who have passed are left open, with many friends, with occasional posts. I wonder how many more there will be as the years pass by...

JustLinda

fabulously imperfect Nothing to See Here... Just Linda ( http://justlinda.net )

Twitter @JustLindaSTL

Twice in the past year I have found out about deaths of people I knew on a social media site.

The first was someone I had met at a conference. Another friend I had met at that conference let me know via DM on twitter and passed along a link to an article on his passing. There was then a facebook page created in his memory and many of us shared our condolences and stories about him there.

The second was a friend that I had known personally for several years. We played on a sports team together. I was in Germany for the summer and we got the bad news via a facebook message from a common friend. Her husband had asked him to let friends know about the news (so that he didn't have to call everyone personally). We then went over to my friend's husband's facebook page and saw his facebook status update about her passing. It was really hard being on the other side of the ocean, getting news like that, and knowing that we couldn't be there to comfort him in person and that we would never see her again.

I've also read about countless deaths of friends of friends, parents of friends, siblings of friends, and even children of friends on facebook and on twitter. It is hard giving a cyber hug when you really want to be there to hug your friend in person.

Annie
PhD in Parenting ( http://phdinparenting.com/ )

First of all, sorry to hear aobut the loss. I know that it isn't personal, but you still grieve for the loved ones of the deceased. Then on to your actual question: does this belong on Facebook? In my opinion, it would be better suited to tell the closer people to the deceased in real life, but it is quite possible that the one who put this on FB was looking for support. I can understand that you would seek that online - I have on many occasions supported people I barely knew in grief because they sent out condolences via E-mail lists. Also, if I die and still have a blog, I'd like my boyfriend to put a note on my blog saying that I've died, and I hardly know most of my readers. That doesn't mean, however, that you are obligated to support the grieving people, such as your old school friend. They will likely have lots of real-life support, too. You could politely tell the friend that you're sorry for their loss, but not go beyond that. Just my thoughts.

When we loose touch with our childhood pals, we often don't hear about them again unless tragedy intervenes, as in this case. Would it have felt better to never know? Or maybe find out years later in a real-time conversation? Really, who is to say?

I can only ponder my own death and hope that it brings people together who were previously out of touch. I never thought about it that way before but I sure like the idea.

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

There was a time that information was passed in person at sunday service...today we have facebook.
I try to avoid serious discussions or debates on facebook. With that in mind I posted an announcement about my daughters birth on facebook, after immediate family and friends recieved phone calls. However, I don't post anything about my daughter's medical condition and upcoming surgery. That seems too personal for all my facebook friends which includes old high school friends and elementary schools friends whom I haven't seen in decades! I did however send updates about her health to family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) thru facebook. many of my cousins don't check emails anymore and I couldn't bare to call each of them to tell them what is going on.
I guess I see it as a transition period - many of us grew up talking on the phone to hear good and bad news...today we learn about it through facebook or emails.

CroMom

One of the unavoidable aspects of our society is that news doesn't wait for anything anymore. (This is why Twitter remains a better news source for me than CNN.)

It sounds like your sister and BIL's decision to wait was in the best interest of the kids but unfortunately, the news won't wait for them. Just thinking about those poor boys finding out in that way - it hurts. Doesn't seem fair, does it?

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

Last year I found out an old high school friend had been killed in a car accident on Facebook. I was so shocked to hear the news, but was thankful someone shared on Facebook ... since I lived far from my hometown, I probably never would have known. It also was strangely comforting to mourn with other high school friends, as we dealt with the tragedy together. Granted, it was on Facebook, but it helped when no one around me could really understand.

When my husband died unexpectedly last summer I posted his obit on my Facebook page, less as a way of telling others as much as as a way to acknowledge that something was going on. For the people experiencing death it's a big deal and you don't just go from one day posting happy details about your life to dealing with a death right back to posting happy details again. For me, it was a bridge that allowed me to acknowledge I had suffered a loss and a place to let people mourn that loss with me. I think it's insensitive to expect that a death that touches every part of your life wouldn't also touch your online life. I struggled the same with my blog. I wanted to go on blogging but I couldn't not acknowledge there the major things going on my life.

Great post. Enjoying the thoughts and perspectives in the comments too. Thanks!

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I think in that case friends posting on Facebook should've been more considerate that not everyone may have been notified. I'm sure the people meant well but just hadn't thought it through completely.

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My niece and her mother were murdered tragically a year ago. She was only 15 years old. As expected, her peers were very active on Facebook. It has been amazing the way they are keeping her memory alive. The memorial page is constantly updated and the teens have found an outlet for their grief.
Our family has found it a bit difficult to be a part of it, we seem to have chosen her facebook page itself to share memories. It has been a great way to talk about things when actual spoken word has been too difficult.

That said, it does hurt to find out things on Facebook when I thought I should be on the phone call list. I can't help but use that as a barometer sometimes, and that kind of sucks.

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Really enjoyed your article. I have to say last year when my Mom died it was actually quite a relief to post her obituary on Facebook because there were a number of colleagues or friends who I simply would not have had time to call individually. Surely I had plenty of calls to make and it was also welcome to be able to share that information this way too. That said I was grateful for comments, but never engaged in a lengthy discussion online about it either.

I think as Facebook continues to be such an integral part of life and business it becomes inevitable that these less pleasing parts of life end up there as well and have all the same awkwardness that exists face to face, its just a new medium.

Paula Gregorowicz
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I have a supremely large family - one that encompasses not only (up to) second cousins. A 'family' to me literally means the sub-tribe within my ethnic tribe. The family tree goes up to 13 generations before me, and 3 after. The number of people who shared blood with my great-grandma alone is more than 500. And not all of them live in the same country. Thanks to facebook, we all maintained close relationships.

I - or my mother - would often relay news about deaths to those abroad using facebook. Nobody expects the immediate family of the departed to make such announcement, but nobody is surprised when a cousin/sibling/in-law make such an announcement.

For us, it is a matter of convenience (and cost-effectiveness) in communication. With time differences across the world, it would be extremely inconvenient to make actual calls or texts. Plus, with facebook announcements, we can be certain that everyone (of our kith and kin) will know and that we don't miss anyone. When one person died, I would usually get somewhere between 10-20 fb statuses announcing it - aside of in a group message.

Besides, it's not like the whole wide world can read our statuses since we're (almost) all are savvy enough to have our profiles set to private.

But I get your confusion, really. For us, our FB 'friends' don't solely consist of those who are friends.

Hey H!

Great blog. The comments were thought-provoking, too.

As you know my mom & brother are battling with cancer. For my Burning Man project last year, I created a Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/StanleyCup4Cancer

Once the project was over, many friends stayed on & the page became more of an update about their health. I don't know what I'm going to do when they die, re: post something.

But, despite some folks' reservations or etiquette, some of the support I've received through this page has been wonderful. I've met people all around the world who are struggling with cancer in some way in their lives, and we've been able to cheer each other on during the dark days.

Facebook is about Life, but Death is also a part of Life, too. So, in that sense, Facebook ought to include mourning & grief & stuff.

And, like you mention, talking about deaths to others is hard, no matter what medium. Facebook offers a bit of a shield or distance from this challenging topic. This can be a good or bad thing. Your choice to tell your acquaintance in a personal email seemed appropriate.

For me, receiving any hard news by email is still weird. But now, my sister-in-law is so swamped with my brother's care, that she can only text snippets of what's going on. So, I just accept it as best I can.

Hope my experience could add some flavor to your topic. Thanks for writing about this. Not many would have the courage to.

Bye,
Marissa

Personally, I really dislike it when someone posts congratulations or condolences for any even on Facebook before the people involved have even mentioned it.

When my Godson was born, my Hubs was there at the hospital and he sent me a picture within minutes - I was extremely excited but there was no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I was about to post a congratulations on their wall before they were even home from the hospital. There is something about people wanting so badly to 'be the first' when it comes to events.

In the matter of death, once the immediate family and friends have been notified in person or phone, then social networking can come in. When a friend passed away, her sister first did the calls to family, and then sent out an email to friends/acquaintances. Once that was done, she asked for us to let others know that she may have missed. At that point it went to FB and more people found out.

I really do not feel that someone should find out about the death of family or a close friend via a social networking sight. It just doesn't feel right. Especially with how connected people now are - like FeeFiFoto's nephews-in-law (did I get that right?!) ... why should they have to find out about the death of their uncle via FB? It's unthoughtful and uncaring.

I do think though that if it reaches FB, it should be done in a caring manner ... if I'm the one posting about a loss - I want to post and advise everyone what happened, and let them know what arrangements have been made. If I'm taking it upon myself to spread someone else's news, then I want to make darn sure that they have cleared it first and I do so in a manner that is also caring and make sure that the most important people have been advised beforehand. Past friends and acquaintances can find out via FB because they are not as close.

All that made sense in my head - I hope it makes sense typed out!

My daughter found out about the suicide of two former high school classmates on Facebook. She found it to be an odd experience, surreal. I'm not sure how she replied or if she replied at all.

Facebook is the social network. Grieving is apart of it. It has never been an easy thing.

The Patty Beat can be found at  http://pattyabr.wordpress.com where The Fearless Cook resides ready to take on your most feared items in the kitchen.

I can't imagine the pain of making a whole bunch of calls to announce someones death, I have only be the one to inform family once and it's awkward!!

It was a call I got when I was living in NYC and my uncle died, my card was in his wallet.

I didn't announce it on facebook or anything, I called my dad and he did the 'announcing' and I did the social research in the village to figure out who his friends were and to arrange memorial services. It was really hard and literally included signs being posted on light posts etc., if I could have asked his friends on facebook it would have been great but he wasn't on there.

I think that facebook gives people an easy way to let people know, and those who want to help or do more to find out what happened can, and those who are more apt to grieving alone can also do so.

Death's never fun...

Kristin
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KristinBennett.com ( http://www.KristinBennett.com )