finding "me" in the bathroom stall

from my blog "Neither Here Nor There" at

OK, so yesterday at church I'm getting this big "revelation" about adoptees not being able to publically grieve or even ackowledge the pain hidden deep inside them over the loss of their Mother. No, they HAVE A MOTHER ~ they are "special", "lucky", "Chosen", "original" ~ WHY WOULD THEY NEED TO GRIEVE ANYTHING? Weirdos.

I got up from my seat after church (wiping away tears ~ I'm a big fat cry-baby), and walked quickly into the restroom to "freshen" up. I walked past the rest of church society intermingling, conversing, fellowshiping, sharing, connecting ~ and made a beeline for the bathroom, as usual. Didn't want them to see me completely undone emotionally. You know why? Because then I'd have to be REAL. And what I realized is that most of society DOESN'T WANT the REAL ME. They want the "Happy to be Adopted" me. The one who, sure, may have a HINT of CURIOSITY, but nothing that really affects me deeply ~ because I am fulfilling the role that was written out on my amended birth certificate, my adoption decree ~ that is WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.

Society buys into this and shrinks back from any adoptee who breaks free (even though the deep help of the Holy Spirit) and dares to become REAL ~ not just the person they were legally created to be ~ but who God created them to be. And embrace. And heal. And live. But many times it has to be done alone. And in secret, like sealed records in the courthouse. Adoption is like that somehow.

It creates LIES to COVER truth ~ true parentage, true identities, true stories, true realities. They are replaced by man-made truths ~ new parentage, new identities, new stories, new "realities". New certificates. New names. New homes. New lives.

But nothing man-made lasts. It eventually crumbles and TRUTH prevails. Even through great pain. Kind of like the cross.

I'm so glad that someone wants to know the real me. Even if I am in a bathroom stall crying, seemingly alone. Even though I've known to reject "me" ~ truth is, LOVE is bigger than it all.

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