A Fine Line

So here is a deep deep thought I have been thinking.

First, let me say that I don't think there is anything wrong with me missing my husband. I do miss him, and I am training myself to remember the good things and not the last few months and days and hours. I think I will always miss him, and that is okay. My golly, after nearly 30 years with the man, it would be very strange if I didn't!

But here's the thing. I think wanting him to still be here is sin. It's selfish, because I want him to do things the way he used to. I want him to look at me and see beauty, because in his eyes I was his beautiful queen. I want to roll over in the night and listen to him breathe. I want to touch him with my foot for reassurance if I have a bad dream. I want him to buy me tulips for my birthday, and sing silly songs and make me laugh when I want to be mad. I want him to praise my cooking, even if he says not to make that again and thanks for trying something new. I want him to make decisions and spare me the effort. And selfishness is not one of the Fruits of the Spirit, last I checked. Selfishness is sin.

It could also be viewed as pride; thinking that I know better than God. My desire for his presence cannot outweigh God's plan for his life and mine. I will probably not know this side of Glory why it happened the way it did, and by the time I get there, it probably won't matter. Just because I think he died too young, doesn't mean that his days were not done according to God. Who the heck do I think I am, to decide how long someone lives?  Pride is sin.

By wanting things to be the way they were, instead of accepting and thanking God for the way things are, I am demeaning His plans for me and saying they are not good enough in my opinion. That's arrogance, and arrogance is sin.

So while I would like it if my husband were still with me here in the flesh, I will not wish it. I will thank God for kittens and new friends and new circumstances and the wisdom he gave my husband and the provisions he made that I might still be able to live here in this house and enjoy the bounty from the Lord in every single area of my life. I will praise Him for thunderstorms and coffee and cousins and old friends. I will rejoice that my husband is well and whole and praising God to the fullest, without the distractions of this world. That's what he wanted to do anyway.

What I won't do, at least not on purpose, is sin. It's a pretty fine line between sin and not sin. I will ask for forgiveness of the sin of wishing it were different, and trust in my God and His plans and purposes. In that lies joy, and strength. That's where I want to be.

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