What it's Like Growing Up Verbally Abused

My parents hired a relative to take care of us when we were toddlers because our nanny got too sick to continue to work with us. That relative made sure every day I knew what a worthless person I was to her, how my mother's culture and language were a scourge, and how ridiculous it was that I didn't speak in simple baby talk because- OH SHIT- I was pretty intelligent (and hope I still am!!). My parents always, always, ALWAYS backed her up. I can forgive my relative for being a bitter woman who had just lost her husband and really never wanted to spend time bringing up kids but had spent her whole life doing it anyway. I've had a harder time with forgiving my parents for allowing it. For telling me it was my fault. For punishing me for things she clearly made up. For not believing me that she was unfair until this relative bitch-slapped me for some stupid little thing my brother clearly did on a family vacation five years after this started. To be clear, I don't think either of us deserved to be physically assaulted for whatever stupid little-kid thing we did. For justifying it to me and telling me it didn't matter once I grew up enough to be able to articulate that anger. I admire the fact that you are able to move on and not do the same to your own child. Many can't do that. I'm sure someone treated that relative as badly or worse than she treated me. I just hope the legacy ends with my experience.

I am currently still in high school, so still live with my mother. Since I was a little girl, she has always said exact things like how I was a mistake, how she shouldn't have gone through with the pregnancy and how much money I take up that she regrets spending, how much of an ungrateful little bitch I am, she has and does threaten suicide from all of the things and stress I "cause" to happen in her life, and when I was really little she used to threaten to really hurt me.

I hate all the abuse and damage, and she has completely turned me away from ever having children, compromised my social skills, and caused many major breakdowns that have effected quite a bit of my future potential.

Stumbled upon this, I understand what you are talking about completely and thought I'de share, sorry if it is unwelcome here.
Thanks.

Thank you for the comment - and I couldn't agree more. It takes a different kind of energy to solve a problem than it took to make it. That's my mantra for healing from my 'mommy issues'.

Thank you for the comment, Gina! Yes! I've found as an adult, I've had a great fondness for the simpler pleasures that normally make up a childhood: movie nights and junk food pig outs rather than clubs and fancy nights on the town. The 'second childhood' sure is a great one. :)

Thank you for the comment, Ms. Haskett and I completely agree with you. It's something that has to be said.

Thank you for the comment, Ms. Benita. It's very true there is much comfort I take in knowing I won't be - and I'm not - a thing like my mom. I'm grateful to be able to give myself the healing I need when so many others struggle with this. I hope writing aloud about this helps others find healing, too.

Thank you for the wonderful compliment, Ms. Stone! I am truly flattered.

At this stage in my life I better understand the complexities of being a mom. It is a hard job but wrapping yourself in martyrdom as an attack method has damaged so many of us.

One of the milder ones I heard coming up is "The law says I have to feed and take care of you, I don't have to like you."

40 years later I can replay the full narrative rant in my head. It is ugly. Not the foundation that leads to good self-esteem building.

It is hard to say that some women should not be mothers, some women need a strong back-up support system or even the acknowledgement that their are women who have children are flat out mean and/or self-centered.

It has to be said none the less. Thank you.

Gena Haskett is a BlogHer Contributing Editor. My Blogs: Out On The Stoop ( http://outonthestoop.blogspot.com ) and Create Video Notebook ( http://createvideonotebook.blogspot.com )

Like you, Reanna, I grew up with a verbally abusive Mom, one whose demons scared the living you know what out of me as a child. I'm so glad you are writing about this, because it's part of your healing process, which you deserve. One of the best things I know is that I don't have to live life like my Mom--and neither will you.

Hugs,
Benita

You are such an empowered woman now because of your experiences. It's amazing that you are using your hurtful experiences to inspire others. I grew up with a mother suffering from Schizophrenia and I spent several years angry that I was dealt a raw deal in life. It took time to move past the hurt and give back to others. I am now the director of a child advocacy program advocating for abused and neglected children. If not for my experiences I would not be where I am today and I thank my mother for that (ironic isn't it). My father has always told me that your first childhood is out of your hands but how you live your second one is up to you. I now have a family of my own and i'm living my second childhood and I am very appreciative of the little thinks in life...popcorn and movie night in the living room, hugs when I get home from work, and a relationship with my girls. Thank you for your post you are an inspiration!
I am a 2 day old blogger and have only 6 followers so anyone and everyone please visit me and follow:)
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Happy Saturday! Gina

"To me, there is absolutely no higher gift you can give of yourself than altruism - and mothers who do this day in and day out and feel good about doing it should applaud themselves over and over. Because your children are going to recognize it one day. And not only are they going to appreciate all you have done and continue to do for them, but they are going to be healthy, thriving and happy adults."

Amen! Bumpkinandme, I am your newest fan. Thanks.

Lisa Stone, BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )

BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/politics-news ).

"All I do is sacrifice for you and what do I get in return? Nothing!"

Definitely not altruistic parents. They should do it because they want to not for something in return

Marie

I suffered a lot of verbal abuse from my brothers father when I was a teenager. And my mother did nothing to stop becauses she was dependent on him. It has caused me a lot of problems later in life.

Marie

When my brothers and I were growing up my parents would often say things like what your mother said. "All I do is sacrifice for you and what do I get in return? Nothing!"

Needless to say, at least with me, my parents and I are still on the mend with our relationship. We have awhile to go but we are a lot better than we were 10 years ago.

I know that my parents mean well, and I also know that there is more than one dynamic that is causing their actions.

Tho' I do love them, I keep them within a 'safe distance'.

There is a book about Emotional Abuse. That I can relate to more. I was everything to mother, her confidant about her stuff, everything. BUT, I separated myself emotionally from her MANY years ago when she made an outrageous comment about how I couldn't talk to my husband about my frustration with her and my dad. I have forgiven. She is 85 years old and my dad is 89 years old. They are not parents they are elderly senior citizens who need to remember the good stuff and have their daughter help with the tough stuff. It's been an interesting and tough year of re-defining our roles. I had to grow up and be the adult, which continues to take time.

The Patty Beat can be found at  http://pattyabr.wordpress.com ( http://pattyabr.wordpress.com/ ) where The Fearless Cook resides ready to take on your most feared items in the kitchen.

I think it's great that you can let go of your "mommy issues". I personally had a verbally abusive father. I think it's important to recognize how that affected you then just let it go. I may not talk to my father anymore (for many other reasons) but I don't waste my days whining about my daddy issues. I realize I made it through and I am just fine. It's awesome that you can too.

You are such a great mother for realizing time spent at home with your children is important - and putting your career on hold to do so is such a brave thing to do. I know that feeling all too well - how everything is held over your head as ammo for something or another, especially when it comes to money. Have you ever thought she may be jealous of your accomplishments? Be proud of all you have achieved.

Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it. Being a better mother for what you have endured is definitely a great thing. Forgiving my mother is a daily battle. I think what makes me have forgiveness for her is that I don't want to be like her - forever holding onto outdated grudges and letting that hatred rule my life - it's not for me. I have too many precious things in life now and I would hate for them to be tainted by my past - but rather, I want them to be made better from what I went through. It's the only way to break the cycle; at least it has been for me. There's definitely a difference in conditional and unconditional love - and it wasn't until I met my husband that I truly understood what it meant to love and be loved unconditionally. I know mothers like ours always have their price on everything and nothing comes for free - all I can say is if that's how they want things, then there's also a price we have to wage - and that's distancing ourselves from them as far as we can.

How on earth did you forgive her? I struggle with that every day, but what my mother said to me was "I only love you because I have to, I don't have to like you."
The money thing is also huge in our relationship. I have always known there is a price to put on love, and I am still trying to heal from that. I do know that I have become a better mother, so there is that to be thankful for.
You are a truly strong person.

I can relate to this so well. I was abused as a child - verbally and physically. And a great majority of the verbal abuse was along the same lines... "All I do is sacrifice for you and what do I get in return? Nothing!"
To this day she holds it over my head that she took money out of HER retirement fund to help put ME through college! And now I'm squandering my degree by taking time off of work to stay home and raise my children.
Seriously, Mom?
I don't exactly remember the conversation we had where I demanded that you take money out of your retirement fund to pay for my college. That was your money, your choice.
You could've just told me to take out more loans. Lord knows I'll be paying them back the rest of my life anyway...