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Sparkle (1)
Yesterday while showering I tried to pinpoint what it was that got me going yesterday and I remembered that my new year's resolution was to prioritize things in the following order:
Me.
My family.
My work.
It is really hard to do. In my spare time, I always somehow make time to write, think, work, do bills. I also always make time for my family. I never seem to have time for me. Kinda. Of course I have time for me - I enjoy working and writing and reading the paper on the internet. I enjoy playing with the kids and taking them out. I don't enjoy dieting or exercising so I don't do those things.
But those are exactly the things that have led to ME feeling not so good about myself.
So those were my priorities for this year.
The other day I read a post about the 80/20 rule, and feeling cocky and confident in my daily exercise, I decided to shake things up and not exercise in the morning so that I could do some quality projects with the kids.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. All it did was put off exercising which layered on the stress because it is so easy to just not exercise and the day wasn't that much more spectacular than normal.
So with some re-remembered resolve, I am trying to make ME first which means I need to get my exercise crap done and over with early. I just wish I didn't need a couple hours of warming up into the day before I'm ready to tackle it.
So...in the shower I remembered my resolutions and felt good.
And then at noon I went to go do the weekly weighing thing at the community center and I'd only lost a pound. I know that I actually burned off more than that over the course of the week, but yesterday I was bloated from whatever I'd eaten the day before. I felt it and saw it in the mirror. And it's still ONE more pound!
But nonetheless, I felt very dejected. I know that my reaction is fairly juvenile, but nonetheless, it's my reaction. And the rest of the day I found myself grappling with the daily struggle of what to eat with less oomph than other days. I think it's somehow miraculous that I didn't eat over my calories.
I tried thinking about Brownie Rehab's points on emotional eating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt bad. I wanted to eat. I felt like a loser. I wanted to eat. I felt not "on top of my game" and so I wanted to eat.
There are definitely some connections.
Then later in the evening, I was reading about motivation and the number one motivator for kids in schools is....success. I don't mind when I'm bad at something, because I can see my progress and improvement. I can see my control of a situation. I can see my growth.
With this entire body thing, I've got years and years and years of feeling and identifying as a fat loser and a fat cow. (I know - innner beauty blah blah blah - but still those are the negative nasty thoughts that have gone through my head). And if it's not those thoughts, then it is about how I am not AS fit or AS tough or AS something or other as the person I'd like to be. I'm just not good or successful at being a healthy weight nor working towards a healthy weight.
Blech!!!! It's heavy weighty exhausting stuff and I just roll around it and embrace it. I certainly embraced it last night when I was tempted to eat much more than I really wanted to eat.
And so I'm at today.
And I am ever so thankful and motivated by the comments that others made.
I slugged through this morning, but I did it. I sat down to do the stupid sit ups and both kids started crying and communicating that they wanted my attention. But I told them exercising was my priority and that I'd do those things when I finished. They cried for about twenty more seconds and then turned away to play on their own.
I am fighting a cold. Perhaps that's why my mood is lousy, my energy lousy, my pep lousy. I didn't get the little gold star of big success when I weighed in yesterday.
I am mildly embarrassed that my ups and downs are so UP and DOWN. I'm like an immature child, but then I am kind to myself and recognize it's because I'm doing something that
