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I might have to make the decision soon if I should have my left ovary removed or not.
I stood in the shower today, watching the water drip down my body. I wrapped by arms around me, and stared down at myself. I saw my breasts. I saw my hips. I saw my scars. I saw the stubble growing back in my bikini area. I saw my sleek legs. I saw my painted toenails.
As the water fell on me I wondered: how much is there left that makes me a woman--that makes me female. How much is external? How much is internal? How much is put there by society? Does it even matter?
So.
Being a woman. Being female.
What does that mean?
Is it having breasts, no beard, a uterus, ovaries, wide hips?
Is it having a caring and nurturing nature?
Is it wanting to shop for shoes and bake?
I've been thinking about this over the weekend. And you know what? Really, I'm getting hung up on a label. Just because a dictionary tells me that a woman has a uterus does that mean I hafta buy into it?
And the other stuff, the caring, the shopping, ect...those are just stereotypes. My boyfriend is a better cook than I am. My dad is better with feelings than my mom. My brother has shoes that are more expensive than any I own. No males in my family can grow beards.
So why am I troubled by the thought that I am no longer a full woman, knowing that it's just a stupid label? I mean I could just as well be hung up on the term "mammal" because I won't give birth to live young or lactate.
Oh, good one Sonja. You had to go there, didn't you? Now what am I, a half mammal half reptile (since I still have eggs, maybe a bird)?
Anyway.
I won't be the stereotypical woman, but then again, I never was a stereotypical girl.
Is there something so ingrained, so apart of me, whether in my brain or in my DNA, that I can't shake the feeling that I'm less of a woman because of lack of reproductive organs?
I realized since my hyst I have been redefining what being a woman means to me. I have also asked some of my friends to give me their definition of what makes a woman a woman. These definitions will make their way up during the week, hopefully. I was hoping to get mine up tonight, but I'm not quite done thinking about it, hence the way this post came out.
(I just heard "Roseanne's" definition of a woman: "We're sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me." LOL)
So stay tuned this week for blurbs and definitions.
(Originally posted on my blog The Mud and the Lotus.)
