(Trigger warning: Miscarriage/babyloss)
My daughter's been asking to go to the Science Centre for ages. We took the kids once, but didn't get to see everything, and we've been meaning to go back ever since. So, we decided to wrap up our amazing summer with a visit there on the last Friday of the break. It was so fun.
Both kids are at great ages for enjoying the wonders of the place. There's so much to do, so many things to learn. We were having a truly wonderful day together.
Her ghost is the angel on my shoulder, a sweet shadow that slips around my consciousness and begs me to forever hold her memory against the beating of my heart. She hangs, suspended there on the edge of my peripheral, and I remember her in uncharted moments of weary almost-sleep or unguarded contemplations on the moon. "I would be seven now..." her whisper carries along the yellow-dash highway as we weave home through midnight darkness and I try to catch her and hold her like I never could but she is always and forever beyond my finger tips - a breath away. ...more
A year ago today my family and friends attended Finley's funeral. I had never been to the funeral of a child before; in fact I've been to very few funerals in general. It was very sad and it was very hard. Finding the words to share about a person that you love so much but feel like you barely got a chance to know is very hard. Funerals usually speak of the things that a person liked to do, their accomplishments, words from people they loved. We never got to know who Finley would.... ...more
I didn't expect this to knock me over like they did, the words of this one mama. I started to read her article about why she has decided to be a mother of only one child because I was curious. And then my eyes met this:
“I’ve had my daughter . I am so grateful to have my one beautiful daughter. I don’t wish to have any more.”
And those words, they were met with tears. Are met with tears now, as I write this....more
A lot of you probably already know that I took a trip to Naples last week. I planned this trip ages ago and while I thought of writing about it, I don't think I did because I didn't want to dwell on just exactly what this trip would mean. When it became apparent to me that we were definitely going to move forward with our move to Canada, I knew in my heart that I had to go back to the place where Finley was born, because once we live overseas, the opportunity just wouldn't be there....more
Today I should have a 9 month old baby boy at home. We should be in Italy. I imagine that he would be crawling and getting into everything while we are trying to get all of the last minute preparations for Christmas complete. There would be a mound of presents under the tree that took ages to wrap because of the sweet boy who keeps distracting me. Steve's family would probably be with us by now, slightly disbelieving of how much Finley has grown. We'd be getting ready for Christmas Eve....more
I have been a bit of a blog neglector lately. I feel bad for that - but with Christmas coming up, life has been so busy. I was sick for over a week and then it's been pretty manic. Christmas balls, friend's gigs, shopping, lots of work.And then there is a constant build up of sadness as the holidays get closer. A huge mixture of excitement for a holiday I love so much, and dread that it should be our first with our own little one at home. I will write more on that later....more
Fran from Small Bird Studios is hosting a series of guest posts and giveaways in the spirit of Christmas. When I found out about this opportunity, I so wanted to be involved.This year I've knit stockings for each member of our family. I was desperate to have something with Finley's name on for Christmas. I am so pleased with how they've turned out....more
I don't feel strong. I feel so small in this huge world, like me and my life and my hopes and my fears mean nothing to anybody. I can see life passing by and I just feel stuck. I don't know how to move forward anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to have a life where my son isn't....more
Dear Finley,Today I have a heavy heart. You should be 8 months old today. For some reason 8 months just sounds so grown up. You wouldn’t be a baby baby anymore. More like an almost toddler. Crawling, eating solids, laughing. But still mummy’s little boy. Always mummy’s little boy.I miss you with every fibre of my being. Every aspect of my life, and everything that I do is coloured with you. Every thought in my head is slightly different because you were here....more
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