Put that Apple Down, Bitch!

On Friday, I had to undergo a LEEP (loop electrosurgical excision procedure) to remove a cluster of precancerous cells from my cervix. The procedure involves first being grounded so you don’t get electrocuted, then having your lady bits lasered. I lay there, legs spayed out in the stirrups, with my curmudgeon of a gynecologist barking statements like, “Speculum,” “Pressure,” “More Pressure,” “IUD hook,” “Slight Pain,” “More Pain,” “Relax,” “Done,” “No sex for a month.” During that month, it will scab over and slough out....more

Coming Unglued

“Caution: Menopausal Woman on Board” – this should have been the bumper sticker that adorned my car.I knew I should have stayed in bed as soon as I awoke, after a not so restful sleep it was apparent whoever was in my body wasn’t me. Observing her getting ready she was clearly struggling to put simple thoughts and wardrobe together. Opting out of the lighter coloured pants, cute sweater and jacket she said “No way, wear dark colours and cover up that stomach and behind.” Clearly, she was not in the mood for light and bright....more

The Birthday-less Years

Wow.  It’s been awhile.  I’ve been off trying to earn a living, parenting and figuring how not to get committed to an insane asylum before my hormones even out.  They do that, eventually, right?  Yesterday I kinda thought a nice stay in…wherever they put menopausal women without good health insurance…might be restful and, therefore welcome.  If the asylum has a jetted tub, it could even be, you know, preferable to where I’m staying now. But I digress.  What I really what to say is HAPPY BIRTHDAY.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY to all you older moms of youn...more