It is difficult for me to fully articulate this season of “nesting” that I had entered into at the start of the year.  On the surface, I was simply focusing on a few of the things that I had been avoiding.  Things I had been putting off until pregnancy.  Like planning for a nursery.  And finding a new doctor.  And taking vitamins.  But these actions were superficial.  They were simply my surface response to what I was feeling in my heart. ...more

I've Been Down This Road Before

No sooner had I implemented the “nesting” philosophy in my life (whereby I was casually preparing myself and my home for children) than the doubts started creeping in.  After all, by this point I was hardly a novice at infertility.  I had well-developed defense mechanisms, and they were super-charged in the face of hope and openness.  ...more

Fresh, Full, Free Mercies

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;  they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!”  Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)   ...more


There comes a point for every woman, after months and months of trying to get pregnant without success, when she begins contemplating alternatives.  Either this is by the prompting of her own will, or the casual suggestions of others about different roads toward parenthood.   I would imagine that many women have mixed feelings about these thoughts.  On the one hand, alternatives offer a proactive antidote to the grief of waiting, and the wear and tear of infertility.  But on the other hand, pursuing them means letting go of pregnancy, childbirth and biological children. ...more

Binge, part two

Yesterday I finished my journal entry with “I’m ticked and I’ll leave it at that.”  Except that I didn’t really leave it at that.  I wasn’t done with my emotional binge. It’s still November 17th, 2008, and I continue writing: I was hurt in the spring when I didn’t get pregnant. I was hurt in October when I crossed the finish line and felt depressed and disappointed, especially after pushing through the end of summer. And I’m hurt now that my work seems to be stalling out. ...more

Binge, part one

Days pass.  My journal is filled mainly with contemplations about work, politics, culture and relationships.  Nothing about infertility.  Nothing until November 17th, 2008, when suddenly it seems like a cork is popped and I write: ...more

Defense Mechanisms

October 29th, 2008:  Well, I don’t have a lot to say this morning... October 30th, 2008:I don’t have much to say these days... October 31st, 2008:Breakfast was kind of a downer, not because of the company, but because of me.  I just can’t come off as cheerful this week.  Anyway, I shouldn’t write about it because that doesn’t help.November 3, 2008: ...more

Thanks, Vanessa.  I agree that things are often bigger than us.  It helps to consider that, ...more


On October 26th, 2008, I write:I wrote yesterday that I was depressed.  Well, today I’m adding “angry” to the list as well.  I went to church this morning hoping it would help improve my outlook.  Instead, I just felt hard and angry.   ...more

Water...and Drought

If seeds had been planted in the spring, as I wrote in June, then they were most definitely in a wilt by fall.  What I needed was a good watering.  It came in the form of a vision on October 24th, 2008. ...more

a Rock & a Hard Place

October progresses quickly, and I find myself just days away from November, with the start of the holiday season traipsing quickly after.  I spend, as usual, a lot of time journaling about my work, my distraction-of-choice during this time.  On the one hand, I am feeling a boost from my writing, because finally I have hit a stride and my audience is starting to grow for the first time since I left my 9-5 career ten months earlier.  On the other hand, I sense change on the horizon and I’m increasingly anxious about what it might bring. I write on October 20th, 2008: ...more