Life After Loss

I wrote this post a while ago, based on my experience loosing out daughter Ellie.  Not sure why I never published it...I certainly never dreamed that I would actually need my own advice and be experiencing loss again, but as I was reading through it just now, It really resonated and seemed worth sharing.. My most recent experience has also taught me that loss can look very different, and it all hurts. ...more

My Little Light

"This little light of mine"  Grieving a child is not unlike mothering one.  It is an all consuming, never ending process.  However, rather than get to watch our child grow and make memories, we now must do that for them. "I'm gonna let it shine" The reality of their memory fading away is real and terrifying. The fact that they did live, that they did exist, that they mattered, is now your burden to carry forward.  It is a fight and for me almost an obsession. ...more
And it never will. That light is so real; it will lead you to a place where peace and wonder ...more

This shouldn't be happening..

Something has gone wrong.  Horribly wrong.  I should be looking at baby things. Soft, beautiful baby things.  Things with puppies and monkeys in pretty colors in soft fabrics that feel fuzzy and warm. Except I'm not. I'm looking at urns.  A fucking urn.  For a baby. MY baby.  Cold and hard things in metal and wood and marble.  This isn't right. This isn't fair. I hardly even had a chance to do those things. ...more
There are no words. In fact, there will be times when, although you know deep down people mean ...more

Your Baby Had Weight in this World: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I hope -- pray and wish and yearn -- that you don’t know what today is, because if you do, my heart breaks with and for you. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, one of those holidays where “happy” doesn’t work as a well-wishing for the day. A "wave of light" will happen tonight when parents of loss light a candle at 7PM in all time zones as we remember those babies that were ours for far too short a time. ...more
Charles Jeffrey Skyles, went to live with Jesus at 22 weeks, 03-24-2012more

Operation Lucy Bird :: Remembering a Loved One

"Celebrate Life & Love" This is the tag on the wee fabric bird that arrived in our mailbox last week. A call to be thankful for all that we have, and to hold our loved ones close....more

Playing The Hand I Was Dealt

I’ve spent a good part of the last eight years talking about my son, Charlie, who died from Late Onset Group B Strep at 24 days old. He was perfectly healthy until a teeny tiny bacteria attacked his body. Within hours, he would essentially be brain dead from strokes, sepsis and meningitis though we wouldn’t know for 48 hours what the outlook would be. Nobody wants to hear the words spoken to us by the doctors and nobody wants to see their child hooked up to machines that are keeping his little body alive. Our story is rare according to statistics, but we all know that statistics don’t mean a whole lot when you are the ONE who is affected....more
@elaineR.N. I won't be at BlogHer unfortunately. I really wish I could go. Next year. NEXT YEAR! ...more

What It's Really Like To Lose A Child

Have you ever tried to imagine what it's like to lose a child? I can't even count how many times people have told me "I can't even imagine". Of course you can't....why would you want to? I'll admit it and say that I tried to imagine it A LOT after my son, Carter, was born. When you have a medically fragile child, you have to go there. You know that someday it probably will happen and you feel absolutely terrible thinking about it, but you feel like you have to prepare yourself. The ugly truth is that it is NOTHING like what you would imagine. It's a lot worse. ...more
Thank you for posting this. I sincerely admire your strength and I'm sure Carter must have been ...more

A Letter To My Son In Heaven

Dear Carter,I woke up today with that "not fair" cloud hanging over my head. I knew that this would be coming with your birthday so soon, so I was prepared for it. It doesn't make it any easier. Maybe it's because I decorated your grave for your 2nd birthday instead of decorating the house for your party. It just makes me feel like this really isn't fair.I just don't understand why you had to go so soon. And I know that I will never understand. It's hard to accept both of these things, but that's just the way it is....more

I would be feeling that dark cloud myself and my thoughts are with you as Carter's birthday ...more

Laughing Even After a Loss

As much as I did not want to talk, as much as I wanted to crumble into a useless heap of grief in my hospital bed, in that same way that a mother is never allowed to call off sick, I was unable to call off devastated. I was at the center of my worst nightmare. I didn’t remember this chapter in my book on expecting multiples. If it was there, I flipped passed it of course, because that would never happen to me. ...more
I don't know you, but I do know that you've touched my heart in a way I can't put into words. ...more

birth. without the cries.

After venturing out of my safety zone and tiptoeing back out into the “real” world. I noticed.  There is a sad misconception in our society.  One that I once believed until I watched a stillbirth episode on the TV series ER.  I was pregnant with Peyton when I watched it…and I will never forget....more

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

I think we ought to remove the word "just" from the ...more