There's only one thing that I hate more than shopping for a new car, and that's shopping for a new mattress. Which explains why TW and I slept on a (cheap) IKEA futon for 18 months after her mom moved in and took over our bed. I wasn't worried about our mattress shopping excursion turning into a Monty Python skit but ... well maybe I was.
Postpartum depression is an interesting thing. I have up days and down days. And I have ups and downs and ups and downs mixed into one day. Sometimes I can’t tell if I am down because of PPD or because of the stress of Wee Nut’s Heart Defect. I have come to believe that I would have gotten to a point when things settled down after Owee’s second surgery, that I would have ended up depressed anyways. And that my pregnancy with She Nut just postponed the inevitable....more
Bedtimes have never been easy for me. My Mom always says that since childhood I have "always had a hard time letting the day go". I was a really creative, energetic kid. I loved making art projects, building things, reading books and playing imaginary games. There was always so much stuff I wanted to do. I never wanted to go to bed. If there was more of the day left I wanted to keep experiencing it. Also, I was a bit afraid of sleep. What scared me most was the idea that I was losing control of my body, that it was slipping into the unknown, an unconscious state. I blame part of this fear on Catholicism. "If I should die before I wake"--although my family wasn't really religious, that prayer always scared the crap out of me. A lot of nights I would lie awake in bed fearing that moment of letting go. I'd figure out a million reasons to get up out of bed: another glass of water, another 5 trips to the bathroom, did I remember to brush my teeth? These behaviors just increased my anxiety. I'd start to worry that I hadn't fallen asleep yet and that I'd be tired for school in the morning. Because of my nocturnal activities I'd often wake up with puffiness and little dark circles under my eyes. I was deeply ashamed of my puffy eyes (which seemed way worse to me as a 7 or 8 year old than they probably ever were) because I felt like all the other kids could read on my face that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't normal, that I didn't get as much sleep as a kid my age should. Worst of all I felt like my behavior was out of my control....more
I haven't had a good night's sleep in over four years. The last such night was probably sometime in the second trimester of my pregnancy with my first child, and even then it was probably the kind of sleep that was disrupted by all manner of first pregnancy anxieties. Since then, it's been one long battle with sleep-averse children, parental insomnia, second pregnancy discomfort and anxiety and just general household chaos, all of which works against sleep.So, yeah. I haven't slept in years....more
Nights are meant to be spent in dreamland, but for insomniacs catching the ever-elusive eight-hour sleep is like a dream that simply doesn’t come true. Stress, overconsumption of substances like caffeine, alcohol and nicotine, a noisy or uncomfortable sleeping environment, and indigestion are some of the main causes of insomnia....more
There are quite a few things I am bad at. I suck at parallel parking, I can't sing and I am horrible when it comes to math and numbers. But, of all the things there are to be bad at I never thought sleeping would be one of them. I have suffered from insomnia on and off over the years and lately it has definitely been more on then off. My ability to sleep has been severely hindered for about the last 5 months. I was taking OTC sleeping pills and Benadryl. I finally went ahead and got a prescription sleeping pill and it has helped although not consistently.
1. Why am I still awake?
2. I think I drink too much caffeine. I should drink more water ... and exercise.
3. If I drank more water and exercised, I'd probably lose weight.
4. If I lost weight, I bet I could get my shit together.
5. Why do I think losing weight will help? I know many fat and organized people.
6. But I've always been disorganized as shit and I've always been fat. Surely there's a connection.
7. I wonder if Billy knows I'm dealing with insomnia?
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