Because Finding Swimwear Wasn't Traumatic Enough, Now You're A Mom

Bellonheels.comAfter having children, only about 2% of us will ever return to our pre-baby bodies. For those of you who do, I say BRAVO.I hate you.Even though you no long have that girlish figure, you don’t receive a pass from having to walk around in the recreational garment that was obviously designed for super models....more

Oh, SH*T!!!

Thanks to my four year olds, everyone in the tri-state area, and their preschool knows that someone in my house swears. No big deal, right? It’s a normal reaction to stressful situations. Due to my cat-like grace and prowess I rarely hurt myself, but I have been known to simultaneously drop a can of tomato sauce on my foot, stand up in pain only to bang my head on the cupboard door, then trip over the pattern in the floor while reeling from the head injury....more

Octobabies and Kittens!

So I've been thinking about getting a kitten--or having another baby (Stop! Don't yell at me!). But, I think a baby would be a bad call since I'm already, like, in full weeds mode and kinda postal by 4 p.m every day. (Also, I'm past the "advanced maternal age" definition, and as my friend said, "Am I okay having a kid with three arms?" Eight might be cool...Octobaby!)...more

Zoe vs. My Smartphone

Remember those logic problems from high school math? If A is smarter than B, and B is smarter than C, then A is way smarter than C? Now substitute Zoe for A, my phone for B, and me for C. Zoe was born smarter than me. She finds screens on my phone I didn't know were there. By the time she was two she was able to call people on my contact list. In order to hang up on them....more

The Haircut: A Dramatic Production

"To cut my hair, or not to cut my hair. That is the question," Madison said. Rather than follow the obvious thread about haircuts, I asked her which of Shakespeare's plays the "to be or not to be" quote came from. She answered correctly and then I quizzed her on what she knew about Hamlet's soliloquy. She was in no mood for a lesson."English Schminglish. Mom, MY HAIR. I'm thinking of getting bangs."...more

Life Before and After Kids, or Something Not to Read if You Were Having a Good Day

Oh those salad days (literally in that you had time to order and eat a salad) when you were married without children!  As nobody says aloud, childlessness is wasted on the childless.  Here are a few distinctions between those with kids and without, in various domains of daily life. Special Occasions: ...more

Little Girls Are The Best... Until They Learn How To Talk!

Girls... I feel sorry for those who have more than one! @sassypiehole | You've been warned! #Parenting #Humor **Click image to read on**...more

Parenting, Credit Cards, and Wait… Is that my Face Soap?

Parenthood.This is the single most commonality which unites every parent and places them in a special elite club of: Are you FREAKING kidding me? (or if you have a sailor mouth insert the actual F word here).   The club is not for the weak at heart. There is puke, poop, vomit, and other nastiness that you never entertained possible....more

A Dr. Seussism: Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?

Sweetheart, I hear that you find your life suckyBut did I ever tell you how so very luckyHow completely, exorbitantly, increasingly luckyAnd actually pampered you are?While you claim to have nothing but these dirty socksMight I remind you I dropped five bills on that stupid X BoxYou're unhappy tonight with the dinner I've madeYou say the lemon chicken's flavor is the essence of GladeBut I was raised thinking "Chop Suey" was a dish China actually made...more