Prayers that sound like accusations.

A couple of weeks ago I found a vintage copy of Elisabeth Bing’s “Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth” in the mixed-paper bin at the recycling center. It made me smile, and not just because of the awful 1970s hairstyles and maternity clothes. After four pregnancies in a row had stopped developing, my daughter was expecting again and this time a heartbeat was detected.An omen, I thought....more

Why I Would Never Recommend Using a Midwife

** TRIGGER WARNING This post is about miscarriage, babyloss, stillbirth, and the fallout from it. It is about negligent care from midwives, and more. Please do not read this if these topics may cause you emotional stress, that is never my aim. **I can’t remember what the weather was like that day. I can’t remember what I was wearing, or what I ate for breakfast. I do remember, in great detail, the searing pain of loss I felt, though, when I heard those wordsThere is no heartbeat, your baby has passed away....more
tea4tamara I know that many midwives are wonderful, just as many OBs are (and many are terrible, ...more

Knowing When to Seek Professional Help

No, I'm not referring to hiring a housekeeper or a personal chef, I'm talking about finding a professional to talk to.  A therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, etc. Last week was a rough one for me.  I had been dressing my face in a smile and plowing through the myriad of things that were on my plate....more

Heart Etchings From a Yet-to-Be-Mom

An unread letter written on Sept 10, 2011...more

The Other Taboo of Miscarriage: I Was Grateful

About a year and a half ago, I had a miscarriage. ...more
"But you know what? It was MY miscarriage -- MY experience. And what I feel about it is MINE. ...more

Saying Goodbye to #2

This isn't how I hoped things would turn out. We didn't get our miracle. Yesterday, we said goodbye to Baby #2.I was hopeful. I really was. Not perfectly faith-filled, but I prayed and believed God could do this. And I was asking Him to.  But things didn't turn out that way....more

The Bleeding Red Dress

One Halloween two years ago I was sad. Not ‘regular sad’ as Four Year Old would put it, but broken and shattered sad. In what was probably a subconscious attempt to fake it until you make it, I’ve decided I may as well look good. Defiantly I put on my bleeding red dress, a short dark wig, a pair of heels and some fake lashes and rode the subway to work as Betty Boop. The only one in costume, hiding two secrets behind it. How I really look and how I really feel....more

How I Am Surviving This Week

Not that any week when you are dealing with infertility, TTC, or an uncertain pregnancy is easy, but this week has been another challenging week to get through. This is almost starting to feel normal to me: the agonizing wait....more

Infertile Women are Not Out to Kill Your Baby

The story of Angela Maier struck fear in the hearts of pregnant women everywhere this weekend.  Over three years ago, in deep grief after experiencing three miscarriages, she poisoned both her pregnant sister-in-law and friend, causing them to lose their pregnancies. She recently confessed to the crime stating that she couldn't fathom watching their children grow up while hers were dead. The two women are currently pregnant again, hence the timing of the confession, and Maier has a three-year-old child. ...more
Melissa,   Thank you for this. I couldn't agree more. I started trying much later in life as my ...more

On Faith, Prayer and Miracles

In any unoccupied moment this weekend, I have been having a running dialogue with God/monologue with myself over this whole pending miscarriage situation. Trying to make some sense. Trying to come to a bottom line where I can find peace.It's not really coming easily to me....more