My Miscarriage: What I Know and What I Don’t

Women never forget a miscarried child. Even now 18 years later I wonder how life might have been different if my little girl “Vayle” had survived beyond the 16 weeks we traveled together.My husband and I have 5 boys between us. What would it have been like to have another female in the house to share hurt feelings with or to fight with over missing socks?...more

A Miscarriage: A Soul Acknowledged then Released

I have always considered myself blessed with ten pregnancies which resulted in nine healthy babies and only one miscarriage. I thought that I knew how to handle a miscarriage, emotionally and spiritually. I thought I had done everything right by this little one who died before birth.I was mistaken....more

Prayers that sound like accusations.

A couple of weeks ago I found a vintage copy of Elisabeth Bing’s “Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth” in the mixed-paper bin at the recycling center. It made me smile, and not just because of the awful 1970s hairstyles and maternity clothes. After four pregnancies in a row had stopped developing, my daughter was expecting again and this time a heartbeat was detected.An omen, I thought....more

Why I Would Never Recommend Using a Midwife

** TRIGGER WARNING This post is about miscarriage, babyloss, stillbirth, and the fallout from it. It is about negligent care from midwives, and more. Please do not read this if these topics may cause you emotional stress, that is never my aim. **I can’t remember what the weather was like that day. I can’t remember what I was wearing, or what I ate for breakfast. I do remember, in great detail, the searing pain of loss I felt, though, when I heard those wordsThere is no heartbeat, your baby has passed away....more
tea4tamara I know that many midwives are wonderful, just as many OBs are (and many are terrible, ...more

Knowing When to Seek Professional Help

No, I'm not referring to hiring a housekeeper or a personal chef, I'm talking about finding a professional to talk to.  A therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, etc. Last week was a rough one for me.  I had been dressing my face in a smile and plowing through the myriad of things that were on my plate....more

Heart Etchings From a Yet-to-Be-Mom

An unread letter written on Sept 10, 2011...more

The Other Taboo of Miscarriage: I Was Grateful

About a year and a half ago, I had a miscarriage. ...more
"But you know what? It was MY miscarriage -- MY experience. And what I feel about it is MINE. ...more

Saying Goodbye to #2

This isn't how I hoped things would turn out. We didn't get our miracle. Yesterday, we said goodbye to Baby #2.I was hopeful. I really was. Not perfectly faith-filled, but I prayed and believed God could do this. And I was asking Him to.  But things didn't turn out that way....more

The Bleeding Red Dress

One Halloween two years ago I was sad. Not ‘regular sad’ as Four Year Old would put it, but broken and shattered sad. In what was probably a subconscious attempt to fake it until you make it, I’ve decided I may as well look good. Defiantly I put on my bleeding red dress, a short dark wig, a pair of heels and some fake lashes and rode the subway to work as Betty Boop. The only one in costume, hiding two secrets behind it. How I really look and how I really feel....more