We have had 4 “first” ultrasounds. Three of which ended with the nurse calling the doctor in to meet with us. I have never really talked about the third one. To anyone. It was probably the most painful, hopeless, and helpless ultrasound I’ve had.
About a week before Christmas, I had a weird encounter. One afternoon as I sat on the couch, my four year old came up to me, cupped her hands around her mouth, bent down by my stomach and said "Hello! Is anybody in there?!" then giggled and ran away.At the time I thought it was strange, but she is my silly one. As it turns out, though, it wasn't just a silly moment. There IS somebody in there....more
I recently became friends with a mother on my daughter’s cheerleading squad. There was an instant affinity between us, though we had little enough in common.
She’s the mother of five; I have two. She works full time; I stay at home. She has an au pair (a real one, from a foreign country and everything); I don’t even know a neighborhood kid that I could call to babysit.
But we bonded anyway, over the shrill yells, mistimed choreography, and the joy of watching our daughters be a part of a team.
And one day, we bonded over something else.
This Thanksgiving was supposed to be the day that we announced our joy to the world, that what we were most thankful for this year was the new addition soon to be added to our family. But God had other plans. Instead, on Wednesday, at 11 weeks and 1 day of my pregnancy, we rushed to the emergency room with light bleeding. A few hours later, we learned that our baby measured at just 9 weeks and had no heartbeat. In moments, I went from being an anxious young mother preparing to meet my first child to a heartbroken young mother, experiencing the loss of my first child....more
On October 15 of every year, besides the usual scramble to get my taxes in on the extension deadline, I take time to remember and think about our first child – a baby I loved more than I ever thought possible despite never holding him or her in my arms or carrying him or her full term. For those who might not know, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day....more
Our first baby would have turned 14 this month.And every year around this time,a tiny shudder will run through me when I step into a bathroom.It will always be a room where I first said hello and good bye to motherhood. I can still see the colour of the walls.I can still see the lines on a stick....more
I have always considered myself blessed with ten pregnancies which resulted in nine healthy babies and only one miscarriage. I thought that I knew how to handle a miscarriage, emotionally and spiritually. I thought I had done everything right by this little one who died before birth.I was mistaken....more
A couple of weeks ago I found a vintage copy of Elisabeth Bing’s “Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth” in the mixed-paper bin at the recycling center. It made me smile, and not just because of the awful 1970s hairstyles and maternity clothes. After four pregnancies in a row had stopped developing, my daughter was expecting again and this time a heartbeat was detected.An omen, I thought....more
** TRIGGER WARNING This post is about miscarriage, babyloss, stillbirth, and the fallout from it. It is about negligent care from midwives, and more. Please do not read this if these topics may cause you emotional stress, that is never my aim. **I can’t remember what the weather was like that day. I can’t remember what I was wearing, or what I ate for breakfast. I do remember, in great detail, the searing pain of loss I felt, though, when I heard those wordsThere is no heartbeat, your baby has passed away....more