Letter I'll Never Send

Dearest baby, I still think about you every day. What you could have been. Who you would have looked like....more

Heartbeat

I am 10 minutes early.After signing my name on the first available line, I sit and wait.Deliberately I thumb through magazines, one after the other as families of four smile up at me from the glossy pages.It’s finally my turn.I am ushered to a dark room and asked to undress....more

Your Baby Had Weight in this World: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I hope -- pray and wish and yearn -- that you don’t know what today is, because if you do, my heart breaks with and for you. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, one of those holidays where “happy” doesn’t work as a well-wishing for the day. A "wave of light" will happen tonight when parents of loss light a candle at 7PM in all time zones as we remember those babies that were ours for far too short a time. ...more
Charles Jeffrey Skyles, went to live with Jesus at 22 weeks, 03-24-2012more

De Ja Vu - We Cant Keep Meeting Like This

This was posted on December 14, 2010 ...more

When Grace is Gone

Her name was Ava Grace and looking back now, I realize she wasn't meant to be... The name was not definite —  it could have been Mia or Sera or Julia or even Jack as well — but the image of her was fully formed in my mind. Strawberry blond pigtails bounced as she giggled at  kisses blown on her belly; a smattering of inevitable freckles danced across her nose and cheeks;  her dimpled hands grasped a pink blankie, her fingers working the silky fabric as she drifted of to sleep....more
Some babies slip through our fingers and we were lucky to have them drift through our lives. 1 ...more

A Time to Mourn

A dear friend will celebrate her son’s first birthday next month. And although her home will be full of joy as grandparents and friends gather to mark his first year, sorrow will also be a guest. Because his first birthday party was to be the day she announced she was pregnant with Will’s sister or brother. But last week she miscarried her 9 week old little one. And the homemade, “I’m going to be a Big Brother,” shirt will stay folded in the dresser....more

Loss and a Blue Jay

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My child that never was.

Well, I did. I finally paid off the last of the medical bills from my miscarriage. It wasn't a large bill. In fact, it was something I could have paid off back in March, yet here I am, holding on to a bill that suggested that I once carried a child....more

Two Lines

The line was there, I swear. I saw it.The first time I saw that second pink line after a losing a pregnancy I wasn't sure exactly what I was seeing.It was there. Was it there? You see it, right?I had only been 10 weeks along. After all of the early morning temperature taking, the scientific approach to baby making, the months and months of disappointment, 10 weeks seemed like an eternity. Ten weeks seemed like a sure thing....more

Miscarriage - The Silent Empty Box

To be filled with life is something.  To be pregnant with a growing little miracle of science and nature in your belly is beautiful.  To lose a pregnancy is sad.  The feeling is surrounded with so many emotions.  Guilt, loss, nothing, emptiness, aching, breaking, bending into shadows dark.  I had to take a break today and submerge myself in some creative work.  I wanted to shake this feeling of empty.  Shake it loose from the empty box it resides in now.  Like a box with nothing inside.  Just invisible strings connecting bac...more