Loss and a Blue Jay


My child that never was.

Well, I did. I finally paid off the last of the medical bills from my miscarriage. It wasn't a large bill. In fact, it was something I could have paid off back in March, yet here I am, holding on to a bill that suggested that I once carried a child....more

Two Lines

The line was there, I swear. I saw it.The first time I saw that second pink line after a losing a pregnancy I wasn't sure exactly what I was seeing.It was there. Was it there? You see it, right?I had only been 10 weeks along. After all of the early morning temperature taking, the scientific approach to baby making, the months and months of disappointment, 10 weeks seemed like an eternity. Ten weeks seemed like a sure thing....more

Miscarriage - The Silent Empty Box

To be filled with life is something.  To be pregnant with a growing little miracle of science and nature in your belly is beautiful.  To lose a pregnancy is sad.  The feeling is surrounded with so many emotions.  Guilt, loss, nothing, emptiness, aching, breaking, bending into shadows dark.  I had to take a break today and submerge myself in some creative work.  I wanted to shake this feeling of empty.  Shake it loose from the empty box it resides in now.  Like a box with nothing inside.  Just invisible strings connecting bac...more

A Tough Way to Realize You're Childfree

The childfree know that there are lots of ways we come to this decision. Many of us know early in life, and many come to the decision over time for a variety of reasons....more

Reflections On Time

They say that time heals all wounds, but this is not true. Time changes our responses, our vulnerability, our ability to see things from a different angle. But the wound is always there....more

Two years after losing a child, still tormented by my secret

I am pregnant, about 8 months along and I love to feel my hands around my growing belly. I love to feel her move, every new part of this pregnancy makes me giddy. Everything is good, for the first time in my life I do not feel the least bit anxious, guilty or depressed. I feel no stress only blind confidence. I am so happy I could burst. When I get into my doctors office she says "you're not pregnant. I'm sorry there must have been a mistake on our part." I wake up feeling my flat belly, feeling so alone it hurts....more

Being Able to be a Mom - Our Adoption Story

There was a question that I had to ask on one profile about myself that got me thinking, "What do you like about being a mom?" I thought about it and the answer that immediately came to me was, "Being ABLE to be a mom!" Being a mother is something that I always wanted to be. I had my life planned. I wanted to be married at 21 and work and then start my family at 25. I don't know where I got those numbers from. They were probably pulled from personal family experiences....more

The Monthly Rollercoaster

I'm not ready to use the word "infertile" - because I don't know that for sure. But as a 41 year old lesbian, my journey is very similar, but also quite different....more

Miscarriage For Family Or Facebook?

I always say I joined Facebook at the perfect time in my life. It was December 2007, I was about to turn 30 and I was engaged to be married. Not the least bit salacious. If Facebook had been around when I was a teenager, I'd fear for my future. Let's just say that restraint wasn't one of my strong suits in high school and neither was discretion. Besides incriminating photos of me doing a keg stand or a bong hit, I would have been just the kind of girl to have a very public breakup on my wall....more