Friendship: The form factor, or what types of friendships do you have?

I knew there was a moment in my life when I yearned, like I thought I was supposed to, for “the one,” but my true inclination is to yearn for the many. And not just loves, relationships, romances—but friends and close-knit family.

Whether it was those 100+ readings and re-readings of Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange land between 6th and 11th grade, the tight knit tribe of friends Seth, Tandy, Rieve and I formed as Bard college students, or the joyous family holidays, overflowing with relatives and friends that my Mom and my sister so eagerly engineered, I’ve always celebrated friendship—and never been a person with just one “best” friend. Instead, I’ve seen friendship as a series of connections, a network, with a few people very close to me whom I see often, and then others, bounded by proximity, availability or compatibility, whom I see less often but still relish and value.
So now that I’ve just moved out of my apartment, put everything in storage, and am about to drive off to spend three months in a new place with a friend who’s become my business start-up partner, reflecting on friendship’s form factors seems to make good sense.

On one hand, I am mourning the diminishment of time in which I will see A and BJ in the next few months; on the other, I am grateful to be moving towards Lisa and Amy, and curious about the new people I will meet and befriend.

In anticipation of these changes, and with the sincere observation that Joe Cocker knew what he was talking about, some notes on types of friendships and friends that have been in my life.

The soulmate and/or the best friend: Male or female, similar to you or as different as can be, this is the person who sees, accepts and loves your true self in all its flawed and brilliant glory. And when you screw up, they let you make amends.
The lover: Erotic friendship has its own special gloss, so are you surprised that the lover friend creates feelings that are sensual, yummy and warm?
The buddy: Not as taken for granted as an old shoe, and perhaps not always as simpatico as a soulmate, the buddy nevertheless offers absolute enjoyment, safety and trust. Some who never cares which pair of shoes you have on.
Activity friends: Whether it’s hanging at a Web 2.0 conference, or playing tennis, going wine-tasting, or doing a charity project, activity friends share a bond based on specific mutual interests. I’ve had some activity friends who’ve become close personal friends, and others where an annual dinner at BlogHer feels just about right.
Affinity friends: Affinity friends are activity friends who share a specific worldview or ethos, so think of them as a variant of the above. My “sex blogger friends” (think Viviane, Rachael and Audacia, among others) and I share an affinity for showing women can be empowered and sex-positive, regardless of any age; my friends Mary, Salim and Keith share my passion for micro-formats, data portability, and reflecting on identity and attention online. Again, these affinity friends can become much more than that.

(Note: I’d posit that many work friends and colleagues fit into one or both of these classifications.)

The co-conspirator friend: Ever have a friend with whom you did more, dared more, felt more? Someone empowering, with a little (or a lot) of edge? This is the co-conspirator friend, someone who incents and inspires you to go a bit further than you might. Co-conspirators can be fun and inspiring, unless, like Thelma and Louise, you take one another to places where the best option, somehow, is to join hands and then jump over the cliff. Sometimes work friends are co-conspirators, sometimes siblings are, but whatever their origin, I treasure the co-conspirators in my life.
The enabler: So, it’s not a big surprise that not every type of friend is good for you. I’d say the enabler( a close-cousin of the co-dependent), is the friend who always understands just a little too well, and who, for reasons of his or her own, is always there with an understanding comment, an excuse, or (heaven forbid!) a cookie. I’ve known enablers who were (unconsciously) most comfortable with unhappy, in crisis, friends that made them feel useful and important; I’ve also know other enablers who felt so damaged, themselves, they could only bond with people they saw as having equally big problems.
The co-dependent: I’d like to say I never had co-dependent friends, or I never was a co-dependent friend, but I’d just be lying, wouldn’t I? Truth is, while it’s easy to shrink from the needy friend who wants all sorts of inappropriate moral (and other) support, it’s a lot harder to see yourself being that person. Co-dependents have bad boundaries, asking too much too often, and leaning on friends (again, all too often) for things they should do themselves. This is a hard one, because it’s a mutual dance, but shared co-dependency is not the best format for long-term friendship survival; the needier and less satisfied person inevitably has to move one to someone else who will fill their never-satisfied needed.
The clique: Is a clique a circle of friends once you’re inside it, or is a clique a group that takes pleasure in its closeness as it simultaneously deflects would-be members? Deciding they were actually a narcissistic clique, I recently took a Twitpack of pals off my twitter stream, realizing that following their antics was actually making me feel bad, not good. (How many self-serving messages about endless afternoons focused on travel, food, and meeting up with X set of friends could I possibly take? I mean, till I hit the why am I reading this anyway wall? Confession: it was, well, a lot.)
The circle of friends: I’d like to think the circle of friends is different from the clique because it is overlapping and porous. In other words, a circle of friends allows additions who are friends of one or more members, but perhaps not known to the entire group. Circles are held together by connector friends, but intrinsically inclusive and additive (my friends Jeff Ubois and Nina Davis, Sylvia Paul, Christine Heron and Cathy Brooks are masters at this).
The tribe: Broader than a circle, a tribe is a group of people who may not all be known to each other directly, but identify as friends because a) many of the tribe members share circles, b) the attitudes and values of the tribe are distinct enough that affirming them confers enough membership to make people “friends.” IMHO, tribal feelings and identifications are what often lead bloggers, and users of Facebook and LinkedIn to friend one another. Burning Man is one giant tribe; can you think of some others?
The network: Unlike a tribe, not everyone in a network shares similar styles, interests or values, and yet, members of a network are strongly connected. Networks, by definition, are broad, so I’d offer former Netscapers, ex-Apple employees and craft or food bloggers as examples of types of loosely formed and organized, and yet identifiable, networks. People in networks are friends in a much looser sense, and yet, they feel connected.

So, after reading this, two questions for my fellow BlogHers:

Which of these types of friends do you recognize in your own life, and what can you share about them?

Why other kinds of friendships do you have that I’ve left out? What can you add?