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I knew there was a moment in my life when I yearned, like I thought I was supposed to, for “the one,” but my true inclination is to yearn for the many. And not just loves, relationships, romances—but friends and close-knit family.
Whether it was those 100+ readings and re-readings of Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange land between 6th and 11th grade, the tight knit tribe of friends Seth, Tandy, Rieve and I formed as Bard college students, or the joyous family holidays, overflowing with relatives and friends that my Mom and my sister so eagerly engineered, I’ve always celebrated friendship—and never been a person with just one “best” friend. Instead, I’ve seen friendship as a series of connections, a network, with a few people very close to me whom I see often, and then others, bounded by proximity, availability or compatibility, whom I see less often but still relish and value.
So now that I’ve just moved out of my apartment, put everything in storage, and am about to drive off to spend three months in a new place with a friend who’s become my business start-up partner, reflecting on friendship’s form factors seems to make good sense.
On one hand, I am mourning the diminishment of time in which I will see A and BJ in the next few months; on the other, I am grateful to be moving towards Lisa and Amy, and curious about the new people I will meet and befriend.
In anticipation of these changes, and with the sincere observation that Joe Cocker knew what he was talking about, some notes on types of friendships and friends that have been in my life.
- The soulmate and/or the best friend: Male or female, similar to you or as different as can be, this is the person who sees, accepts and loves your true self in all its flawed and brilliant glory. And when you screw up, they let you make amends.
- The lover: Erotic friendship has its own special gloss, so are you surprised that the lover friend creates feelings that are sensual, yummy and warm?
- The buddy: Not as taken for granted as an old shoe, and perhaps not always as simpatico as a soulmate, the buddy nevertheless offers absolute enjoyment, safety and trust. Some who never cares which pair of shoes you have on.
- Activity friends: Whether it’s hanging at a Web 2.0 conference, or playing tennis, going wine-tasting, or doing a charity project, activity friends share a bond based on specific mutual interests. I’ve had some activity friends who’ve become close personal friends, and others where an annual dinner at BlogHer feels just about right.
- Affinity friends: Affinity friends are activity friends who share a specific worldview or ethos, so think of them as a variant of the above. My “sex blogger friends” (think Viviane, Rachael and Audacia, among others) and I share an affinity for showing women can be empowered and sex-positive, regardless of any age; my friends Mary, Salim and Keith share my passion for micro-formats, data portability, and reflecting on identity and attention online. Again, these affinity friends can become much more than that.
(Note: I’d posit that many work friends and colleagues fit into one or both of these classifications.)
- The co-conspirator friend: Ever have a friend with whom you did more, dared more, felt more? Someone empowering, with a little (or a lot) of edge? This is the co-conspirator friend, someone who incents and inspires you to go a bit further than you might. Co-conspirators can be fun and inspiring, unless, like Thelma and Louise, you take one another to places where the best option, somehow, is to join hands and then jump over the cliff. Sometimes work friends are co-conspirators, sometimes siblings are, but whatever their origin, I treasure the co-conspirators in my life.
- The enabler: So, it’s not a big surprise that not every type of friend is good for you. I’d say the enabler( a close-cousin of the co-dependent), is the friend who always understands just a little too well, and who, for reasons of his or her own, is always there with an understanding comment, an excuse, or (heaven forbid!) a cookie. I’ve known enablers who were (unconsciously) most comfortable with unhappy, in crisis, friends that made them feel useful and important; I’ve also know other enablers who felt so damaged, themselves, they could only bond with people they saw as having equally big problems.
- The co-dependent: I’d like to say I never had co-dependent friends, or I never was a
