Future

Just a new thought

                Today I have been thinking a lot about my future life. Actually, I have been thinking of my future life a lot this Christmas break from high school. I have been thinking I do not want kids and I do not want to get married. I do not live the kind of life I would want to pass on or share with anyone. I do not work; I barely can take care of myself and keep myself out of trouble.

I want to get my tubs tied so I can never have a week moment and change my mind and get pregnant. Granted I have not had a recent urge to make friends or get a romantic or sexual partner. My life is what it is. I cannot ever see me moving forward in my life in the future. I have a disability. A disability is a lifelong sentence, no matter how minor it is.

I am prepared to live a solitary life. By solitary I mean not having any close friends or family. I do not trust anyone. I expect the worst out of everyone all the time. I do this so that when people act human I am not surprised. Life is safer when I life a solitary life. The world is full of too many people for me to live in complete isolation but, I keep a lot of passive relationships with everyone in my life including my owners.

I call every person who has a part in my Foster Care Team my “owners”. I keep telling myself I do not care what goes on in my life. I can voice my thoughts or feeling but more times than not they are swept under the rug, ignored, and forgotten. I think the only reason I am suppose to be at my ISP or ESP meeting is to make my “owners” look like they care.

If others care only about what makes their job easy why should I care about anything but making their life easy. I feel bad when my “owners” do anything nice for me. I wonder what it will cost me now. Being in Foster Care there is a lot of unseen lines that I am not suppose to cross.

 

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