Just a new thought

                Today I have been thinking a lot about my future life. Actually, I have been thinking of my future life a lot this Christmas break from high school. I have been thinking I do not want kids and I do not want to get married. I do not live the kind of life I would want to pass on or share with anyone. I do not work; I barely can take care of myself and keep myself out of trouble.

I want to get my tubs tied so I can never have a week moment and change my mind and get pregnant. Granted I have not had a recent urge to make friends or get a romantic or sexual partner. My life is what it is. I cannot ever see me moving forward in my life in the future. I have a disability. A disability is a lifelong sentence, no matter how minor it is.

I am prepared to live a solitary life. By solitary I mean not having any close friends or family. I do not trust anyone. I expect the worst out of everyone all the time. I do this so that when people act human I am not surprised. Life is safer when I life a solitary life. The world is full of too many people for me to live in complete isolation but, I keep a lot of passive relationships with everyone in my life including my owners.

I call every person who has a part in my Foster Care Team my “owners”. I keep telling myself I do not care what goes on in my life. I can voice my thoughts or feeling but more times than not they are swept under the rug, ignored, and forgotten. I think the only reason I am suppose to be at my ISP or ESP meeting is to make my “owners” look like they care.

If others care only about what makes their job easy why should I care about anything but making their life easy. I feel bad when my “owners” do anything nice for me. I wonder what it will cost me now. Being in Foster Care there is a lot of unseen lines that I am not suppose to cross.


More Like This

Recent Posts by snowkissedangel


In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.