Feminism
To Get/Keep a Man, Shave to His Will?
by Suzanne Reisman

I visited a friend in London this past weekend. While I was there, I ate lots and lots of yummy chocolate and cheese and baked goods. I basked in the idea that national health care was a given. Even more, the UK National Health Service doesn't rob women of their reproductive rights by allowing religion to dictate what health services are covered; except for in Northern Ireland, termination (abortion) services are covered. After a horrible week in the US, where Democrats sold out women and allowed religious lobbies to impose their beliefs on my health, I thought about defecting. London is perfect! Well, except that even in the UK, women are told that you need set aside your own preferences and needs if you want to get and keep a man.

The controversy flared before my trip. On Halloween (insert "trick" joke here), Suzi Godson told a woman in the The Times that if she wants to keep her younger boyfriend, she should groom herself in the way he finds attractive. And by groom, I mean get a Brazilian wax. According to Godson, porn has rendered men incapable of looking at women with pubic hair and finding them attractive. Godson's sage advice is thus:

Though the feminist ethos of your “take me as I am” argument is perfectly valid, your boyfriend’s reaction is instinctive — and in the face of something that is honestly perceived as a turn-off by one partner, rational arguments simply do not work. The good news is that, as “issues” go, this is a pretty small one and, hey, if the relationship doesn’t work out you can return to your old ways.

Now, I'm not going to argue against the idea that rational arguments can't be used on desire. That makes sense. I disagree that men instinctively like waxed snatch, but even that's not really the point here. Maybe, just maybe, the better conclusion to this issue is that these people are not so compatible. If the woman isn't really into all the expense - both in terms of time and money - and potential complications of Brazilian waxing (Godson's next paragraphs then explain how waxing and shaving can lead to infections and all sorts of other problems for some women), perhaps it makes more sense to find a partner that is not turned off by her. Why is changing your preferences and personal appearance to fit a man's desires a good idea?

At Salon's Broadsheet, Mary Elizabeth Williams took offense at Godson's advice. She wrote:

At no point in her wisdom-dispensing did Godson ask the woman if she herself might enjoy experimenting with a walk on the bare side. It's hair! It grows back! Nor did she conversely say that maybe after a little open conversation, her new beau might appreciate a woman who looks and feels different than his previous lovers... She didn't offer an invitation to the writer to first figure out what makes her happy, and if that shocks her suitor, who needs him?

My feelings exactly! This is not really about pubic hair or not pubic hair - it is about the idea that women never need consider what they want or need in a sexual relationship, but should just do what the man wants. Otherwise, you'll risk dying alone and unloved, with 47 cats. When you die, it will take days for anyone to even notice, and by then, your starving cats will have eaten off your face in desperation. Many of the people who left comments on Williams's post, however, said that there's nothing un-feminist about suggesting that a woman must undergo crotch waxing to make a man happy, and that Williams overreacted.

Fortunately, there are people who also thought it important to make a fuss over telling someone to take on a beauty practice specifically to please her guy. Unsolicited Opinion rakes Godson over the rails, too. After analyzing the idea that pron guides instinct, she concluded, "I hope the letter-writer has the good sense to ignore her stupid advice... and either tell her young man to appreciate her body or get the hell out of Dodge." BellaSugar turned to sex educator Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., MPH for a second opinion. Her advice made much more sense. I summarize: "I would advise this particular woman — and any woman or man who isn't sure what to do with their pubic hair — to do only what they feel comfortable or sexy doing."

Ah, the craziness of that suggestion! Do what you feel comfortable or sexy doing! How novel and delightful! Yet I hope no matter what side of the pond a woman lives on, she has the courage to take it to heart. And speaking of hearts, despite the fact that I can't get entirely away from sexist stupidity by moving to another country (there's always something), I'd still love to live in London...

Suzanne also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants. Her first book, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track, is about unusual things to see and do in NYC, no waxing required.

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman (view blog) on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 8:11am

Comments

 

Power Struggle

As in most dating scenarios, the key to this issue is which one wants to be in that particular relationship more, and why.

If the guy wants to be with the gal more than he wants to see and feel what he wants to see and feel (assuming he feels that way in the first place), then he's going to have to grin and bear it.

If the gal wants to be with that particular guy more than she wants to retain her Afro, then she's going to have to grin and bare it (ha ha, I made a funny :D).

Ultimately, these things should be discussed and figured out BEFORE people claim they're in a relationship with each other, not AFTER. :D  If he doesn't like it, he's either not going to go near it very often (if at all) or he's going to exit the relationship ASAP (meaning as soon as he finds a different chick).  If she's not willing to do something that turns her man on, the advice you gave is spot-on in that she needs to eject and find a different boyfriend.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Submitted by Bill Cammack on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 11:10
 

A worthwhile man would, I

A worthwhile man would, I think, be attracted to his partner with or without hair.  What if she gets ingrown hairs? Would he still want her to go through the burden and pain?  My husband says he likes me how *I* like me, and based on his response, I believe him.  My hair (on my head as well) has been short, long, medium.  I have gotten hugely overweight (70 lbs!) during three pregnancies and gotten back down to 18% body fat.  My body has changed tremendously during the time we've been together.  Through it all I have never, ever felt unattractive to him.

I think a woman should hold out for a mature man who will not want her to harm herself to please him, but will be pleased by her regardless of what she chooses to do with her body hair.  Because if the man can get so worked up over pubic hair, what's going to happen when she gets stretch marks from having a baby or her breasts sink by gravity?

American Housewife www.margaretdilloway.com

Submitted by mdilloway on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 17:07
 

That's what I wonder, too

At what point does being asked to change who you are stop being compromise (which is important to a relationship to a point) and start becoming control?  When my mother-in-law started graying, my father-in-law, who is overall a very good guy, told her to start dying her hair, as he didn't marry a woman with gray.  She felt that coloring her hair was a small concession she could make, and didn't mind, although I was horrified.  Of course, she didn't marry a guy with a big bald spot, but she didn't see the point in asking him to grow his hair back when I suggested it.  For them, it was a good compromise, but I think if he asked her to have a facelift or something like that, she'd be offended.  Anyway, I hear you.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Oth

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 22:47
 

A personal story

Very early on in my relationship (which is now 9 years and counting), we ended up in his bedroom.  I was thrilled and looking forward with anticipation... until I remembered the state of my legs.  From memory, we'd just got back from a multi-day sailing trip or something, and I don't think I'd shaved my legs for a week.

I was horrified, and immediately switched gears, looking for a way out of the situation.  When he insisted on knowing what the matter was, I couldn't even think of a decent lie, so I told him the truth.

He hugged me, and said he cared about what was in here (touching my head) and in here (touching my heart) and not about my legs at all.

I think I fell in love with him, just then.

http://myrope.wordpress.com

Submitted by kazari on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 18:09
 

I just fell in love with him, too

What a beautiful story!  I wish every person could have such a thoughtful and compassionate partner.  Thanks so much for sharing.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Oth

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 22:42
 

I totally agree

I totally agree that some things are just worth changing for when it comes to love.  Once I was asked to change my face and so I did. 

Easy as pie.

The only tragedy here was that I misheard what my partner said.  Apparently it wasn't my face that was the problem, it was my race.  What a mess.

As you may have surmised, we are no longer together.  

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

Submitted by cluelesscrafter on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 19:26
 

I totally agree

I totally agree that some things are just worth changing for when it comes to love.  Once I was asked to change my face and so I did. 

Easy as pie.

The only tragedy here was that I misheard what my partner said.  Apparently it wasn't my face that was the problem, it was my race.  What a mess.

As you may have surmised, we are no longer together.  

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

Submitted by cluelesscrafter on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 19:27
 

I totally agree

I totally agree that some things are just worth changing for when it comes to love.  Once I was asked to change my face and so I did. 

Easy as pie.

The only tragedy here was that I misheard what my partner said.  Apparently it wasn't my face that was the problem, it was my race.  What a mess.

As you may have surmised, we are no longer together.  

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

Submitted by cluelesscrafter on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 19:28
 

Asking for what you want is never wrong.....

Lack of communication destroys more relationships than those where a couple asks each other for what they want. Being asked does not mean you have to comply but to have a relationship end over something you never knew was important to your partner could lead to heartache. You always have the power to say NO just as your mate has to decide if what he or she wants is a deal breaker. If it's a must have in the relationship then it's only a matter of time before they move on. No matter who you are , male or female when you're in love you are going to do some things just to please your mate. This does not mean you sold your soul. It's just natural to want those you love to be happy and in healthy relationships this is reciprocated in large and small ways from cooking a favorite dish, going to see a ballet, trying something new in bed, to going shopping on "Black Friday". One of the leading causes for divorce today is there is too much "YOU & ME" and not enough "US & WE" in relationships. Everyone is so worried about "losing themself" in a relationship they are practically ready to fight at the mention of a request to try something different. Ideally a man in love will do some things that he knows his woman loves and she in turn will do some things she know he loves. The only people that get their way all of the time are those who are not in love. They don't care about anyone other than themself.

Submitted by dashingscorpio on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 05:49
 

Porn is not real

When my current BF (who I am now living with after dating for 3 years), asked me about shaving "down there" when we were first dating, I replied that I didn't know that he was attracted to prepubescent children, and I found it rather creepy.  He never brought it up again.

The fact is, porn isn't "real".  The women aren't *really* turned on; the sex isn't real sex.  The boobs and butts are fake, and the shaved snatch is there to support a male fantasy that younger is always better.  Someone needs to explain this to the male population that seems to be expecting women to act like porn stars in greater and greater numbers.  The prepubescent girls flocking to Twilight don't *really* believe that Edward is a Vampire, though I think the whole series sets them up for some truly unrealistic views of how teenage boys really act.  The point is--why do so many men think that porn is real, when it's so obviously not?

Submitted by Janipurr on Tue, 12/01/2009 - 13:21
 

Love me, love my hair.

I agree with Janipurr, boys get this idea of shaved pubes from looking at porn as do girls nowadays. They see these images and think that is what turns men on. The sad truth is that men will get turned on by virtually anything, the poor weak fools.

Let us not get fooled into believing this nonsense and free ourselves from the pain and expense of those Brazillian torture jobs. I even think that that should extend to make up as well. I always take the oppertunity to let him see me without the slap on as soon as possible, that way he can head for the hills at an early stage of the relationship.

I have a friend who always sets an alarm clock an hour early so that she can get up and put on her make up before her man sees her. It is very sweet that she loves her partner enough to do this but what a pain in the derriere.

Natural is best, that way when you do put on the Ritz , the effect is stunning.

 

Jo Devizes from London http://www.bestnonsurgicalfacelift.com

Submitted by jodevizes on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 08:01