Getting Out the Door (With Kids)
Allow me paint a picture for you. It's called: Leaving the House with Children. It's inspired by comedian Michael McIntyre's stand-up act comparing people with and without children. His catch-phrase of sorts (You have NO IDEA) is spot-on. You simply don't know until you know.
[For a 6 minute video clip of his hilarious act, check out the Huff Post.]
If you do not have kids, you will likely think I am exaggerating when I say: it recently took me 10 minutes to get my kids ready for a 5 minute stint in the yard. But I am not kidding.
It's winter in Minnesota, so to go outside, you have to put it all on: coat, of course, but also mittens, hats, and boots. Does my 3 year old son like coats? No. Mittens? Hats? No, of course not. It is an epic battle of wills. Every single time.
(Image from 123RF)
My daughter? She's younger (1), so can't verbally fight her way out of it, but she can waddle away from me at surprisingly fast speeds.
So I eventually got them both bundled up. Then I decided I better use the bathroom before going out (mothers rarely get to use the bathroom). My son follows me into the bathroom and takes his shoes off. The baby comes in too and proceeds to rapidly take every toothbrush, roll of toilet paper, and feminine hygiene product out of the cabinet and strew them on the floor. I take a deep breath. We are going outside, I think, determined.
I chase my son around to put his shoes back on. I wrestle a tampon out of my daughter's hands. I'm sweating as I wrangle on my own coat and step into my own boots. The clock reads:
We get outside into the brisk but sunny November weather. The baby wanders around and heads towards the street. I run after her. My son wants me to spin him around in the air by holding his hands in an "airplane." I do it. I get dizzy. My daughter attempts to scamper towards the street again. I chase after her. We all run around in a grand attempt at tag and hide-and-go-seek. It's fun. It feels nice to get fresh air. The kids start getting cold (never mind if I'm cold), and we head back in. It's 4:05.
Seriously. This really happened. The I-have-to-laugh-or-I'll-cry thing is that this is not at all unusual in our household. It is so ridiculous, and before I had kids, I never would have believed me either.
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By Lisa Owen