Getting ready for Finals and other things
Well after the rush, panic, excitement of applying to the four year college and then making my commitment to Smith, it seems I forgot all about my actual classes this semester. OK I didn't forget but I didn't exactly keep up with my studies at my usual pace. So now I'm looking to get back on track and study for finals. I have always felt confident going into finals week because my grades were usually high but this time I'm teetering on B-A area. I refuse to get a B if I'm able to do better. So for the first time I am in the Final's crunch. Getting my extra work done and catching up on homework I didn't get in yet and trying to refresh my knowledge is much more challenging this semester. I am still in the “after glow” of my commitment to Smith College and finding the passion to work as hard on my homework is more difficult. It’s like the relief of senior year, senioritis.
So what am I really doing now, I’m scoping out my future at Smith. I’m making plans for joining clubs, dreaming about doing things I missed before, maybe running for student government and jumping in with both feet fully into my future. I want to find new friends; I look forward to the new ideas and classes. I wonder what major I should pick. Everything I learn seems exciting and that makes narrowing down my interest more difficult.
On the other side I worry about where will we live? How will I afford to move? Do I want to sell everything and buy new? I worry about money. I worry how I will transition my daughter to a new school in the fall and how will she manage and adjust? As a child with disabilities she is always my first concern. I worry about not having a support network for my daughter and how she and I will manage on our own far from family. I worry about telling my ex-husband about the move and the reaction he will have about his visitation being more difficult. Will he try to accommodate this new chapter in my life or will he take me to court to keep me from going or try to get custody himself? (There is NO WAY I will give him custody or lose it, he doesn't even have joint custody but I worry. He thinks her “problems” are invented by me, Asperger’s and Developmental delay is not something I can invent nor is her Genetic material. But he refuses often to do things recommended by the Dr. or therapists. I worry what would happen in a court since he’s lied before, would he win? I have a lovely 4 yr old dog and she can't come to campus. If I get campus housing should I turn it down because of my dog? I love her and I'm thinking of alternative plans for 2 yrs. Maybe one of my adult children can take her. Is that fair to her or them? So while my excitement over my future has been so awesome, in come the doubts and worries. I put everyone else in front of my dreams or needs and I somehow end up never realizing my own happiness.
BUT this time I am not letting worries or the fear stop me. I am solving each problem in my own interests and my understanding of what I need to be happy. This is totally foreign to me but I’m sticking to the idea that if I am happy my daughter will be too. Instead of my always reacting to life to accommodate the other people, children, family, friends, foster children, daycare children, bosses and even strangers, I will be first.