The Gift of Slumber

There are two rules in this house; lo, there are three:

Thou shalt not hurt thyself.

Thou shalt not hurt anyone else.

And these three sacred things shall be conducted in peace:

eating, pooping, and slumber.

 

There shall not be any future disorders of eating, odd anal fixations,

 or unrested souls under this roof.

 

Therefore:

If the Chiefest of Lous should have the grinding of teeth, the sawing of logs

or the heinous bed farts, he shall sleep on the couch.

 

If the Mama should have a really good book that must needs be read

until the early hours of morn,

she shall sleep on the couch.

 

If the jBird or the Hooligan shall have the terrors of night,

they shall be divided and conquered

 in whatever sleeping spot may give them peace.

 

If there be phlegm, the afflicted must all share a room

so better to cough on each other.

 

If there be an affliction of the bowels,

thou shalt sleep on the floor near the bathroom.

Thou shalt not puke in my bed.

Nay, not in any bed, nor on any surface that is impossible to clean.

 

We shall all begin in our appointed places, at the appointed times.

We shall see upon the morrow where everyone wakes up.

 

There may be of some times a necessity for cuddles for any member of the household.

Cuddling is not restricted unless you kick me in the crotch too many times whilst thou sleep.

 

There shall be no judgement nor guilt attached to any of these things.

It shall be not the business of anyone where the night is passed,

save those who passed it themselves.

 

So when the Mother of Mama asks "How wilt thou find time to be man and wife with children in thy bed?"

The Mama shall answer: "That is what the living room floor is for."

And there shall be no more discussion forthwith.

 

Here endeth the lesson.

Originally published on Periphery

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