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For the last 12 1/2 years I have been living in the field studying my subjects. Hours have been painstakingly spent learning their eating habits, social dynamics, ability to adapt, and communication skills. I’ve collected valuable information about their predators and who are their prey. Living among them has been difficult. At times I think my presence goes unnoticed, blending in to the environment and yet at other times, it is clear that they are visibly agitated that I exist. And yet, even with all this data, I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of understanding this unpredictable creature called Girl.
On Saturday I had the pleasure of meeting a professional and technically creative mom who volunteers a lot of her time behind the scenes for her son’s football team. We started to compare notes on our experiences as moms: boys vs. girls. The one thing that stood out to me was a girl’s constant need to have a best friend. Even as women, most of us are content as long as we have that one special “go to” person. The one friend that you know will be there for you through thick or thin. It’s not that we don’t have multiple sets of friends, depending on what activities we are involved or work situations, but having one friend above all others is a priceless commodity.
I always thought the biggest social skill I would need to prepare my daughters for would be in regards to dating. Little did I know that figuring out the dynamics of girls and building relationships with them would be the greater task. It isn’t enough to tell them “treat girls the way you want to be treated” because a lot of girls just don’t give a rip. Classrooms and playgrounds are riddled with gossip, clicks, emotional bullying, pettiness, jealousy and friendship competitions. The whole boy mess has been trivial next to the girl drama. So how can our daughters maneuver through these girl-illas in the midst and find “the one”? We have to set them up for success by teaching and explaining unspoken, yet necessary, social skills.
Don’t assume your daughter understands the “Rule of 3″ or sleepover etiquette. Three girls together is not a healthy number. There will always be a girl left out when two pair up. It’s inevitable. Instead, make sure that playdates and sleep overs consist of even numbers so that everyone has a buddy. There is nothing worse than having a sleepover and being ignored at your own house. On the flip-side, make sure your daughter understands how to be a guest. The hostess should be given the utmost consideration and respect. They shouldn’t have to wait on you, are clean-up after you. And above all - talking about how much fun you had at someone else’s house is never acceptable. It’s not likely that you would be asked over again if you create extra work or emotional stress.
Teach your daughter how to make others feel important. Who likes hanging out with someone who continually talks about themselves? I sure don’t. Explain to your daughter the importance of asking questions and then listening to what the other girl has to say. It’s far easier to figure out what common interests you have with someone if you’ve actually asked them what kinds of books they are reading, shows they are watching, and after school activities they are involved in every day. Plus, it gives them something more to talk about then gossiping. Sometimes girls think that by talking about themselves all the time they will draw others to them, thus building a community of followers. When really, what they are doing is making their life very public and creating lots of acquaintances and no personal relationships.
Explain the difference between bragging and sharing. I hear too many times my third grader trying to “one up” her friends whenever they are having a conversation.
“We’re going to Disney over spring break this year.”
“Yeah – well I’ve been twice already and even on the Disney Cruise.”
I’ve had to role-play with The Hare a better response, explaining to her how hurtful it is to extinguish someone else’s excitement. My gut tells me her intent was really to share that she’s been there too, but it came out boastful. Instead, she could have said something like: “You are going to have so much fun. I did with my family.” or “What are you most excited about doing? I liked meeting Cinderella when we went.” One of my biggest pet peeves is the “Yeah, I know” response. My seventh grader has been scolded many
