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It used to be that parental praise was doled out sparingly, if at all. Our parents and grandparents didn't expect their folks to constantly tell them what a good job they were doing or how great they were; that's simply not what was done. And then pop psychology came along and told us that out kids need to develop good self-esteem, and that happens with our praise, and then somehow an entire generation of "Good job!"ers took over the world.
I'm guilty of the "good job!" thing with my kids, I'd admit it. It's almost a reflex. And then they (who are "they," anyway?) said, "Oh! Hey! By the way? Actually, praising your kid might make him lazy and entitled, and do more harm than good. Sorry!"
Oh, we still talk about building up kids' self-esteem. But the snarky conversations about the "everyone's a winner" mentality seem to take precedence. This very topic was tackled this month over at Momversation, from the perspective of giving our kids too much.
Three things come to mind for me, immediately, on this topic.
First, that self-esteem and entitlement are two different things. I think you can have a kid who has terrific self-esteem who feels entitled to a trophy or medal or special recognition every time he steps out of the house just as easily as you can have a kid with lousy self-esteem who expects the same. The two are sometimes related, but not equivalent.
Second, that while entitlement is certainly a valid issue to discuss re: today's kids, it doesn't make self-esteem less important. It's a different issue. And equally important.
And third, I want to posit that self-esteem is a completely different issue for children who are "different" than it is for "normal" (okay, even the more politically-correct "neurotypical") kids.
It's fine to sit around and philosophize about "kids today." I am actually not that interested in "kids today." I am interested in my kids. And the fact of the matter is that there is little that brings me to my knees like witnessing them struggle with their self-esteem.
My daughter is a typical middle-schooler, which is to say that she is good at some things and not others, and has both friends and "frenemies," and she feels capable in some ways and doubts herself in others. She rides a constant rollercoaster of emotions -- as any pubescent girl does -- and sometimes she doesn't feel good about herself. Mostly, though, she feels pretty okay about who she is.
My son, on the other hand, once inspired me to write about his unflagging self-esteem and general cheerfulness. That was five years ago, when I consistently characterized him as the happiest kid I'd ever known. I couldn't even imagine him any other way. But time marched on, and five years later, it turns out that he is struggling to feel normal, because he's not like "everyone else." He has Asperger's Syndrome, and he is acutely aware of the many ways in which he doesn't fit in, doesn't do what others expect of him, doesn't seem "normal" to his peers.
Five years later, his self-esteem is nothing like what it used to be. He doesn't like himself. He wants to be like everyone else, and feels badly that he isn't. And we have a long road ahead of us to rebuild his internal sense of worth when society will continue to find him "different."
So, sure, you can talk about how we shouldn't give every kid on the soccer team a medal. I may even agree with you. But while my daughter doesn't need me to congratulate her every single time she tries to do something, maybe my son does. And even my daughter can sometimes use a back-pat when she ventures out of her personal comfort zone, in a way that maybe wouldn't be necessary for some other kid.
Different kids need different reinforcements. And all kids (heck, all people) need good self-esteem to be happy and to succeed. Despite the spoiling and entitlement that abounds in many members of our younger generations, it doesn't mean we can dismiss self-esteem as unimportant. Everyone needs it.
Kids who don't fit into the "normal" cookie cutter need it even more than their peers, because without it, it's not just that they won't be successful -- they might not make it at all.
More thoughts on the subject:
Ann Lambert of Living Introverted has a wonderful list of "needs" for introverted kids, most of which I think can apply
