Giving Our Kids' Teachers Some Slack

As a teacher and a citizen, it is not so much about the mohawk for me, but about the fact that Mom KNEW ahead of time that a mohawk was not a part of the school culture or within the guidelines she agreed to abide by when she enrolled her child.  She knew what she was getting into.

Why should she and her child be exempt from something she agreed to to begin with? She is teaching her child that you don't have to follow through on your agreements and that you don't have to accept responsibility for your actions and choices.

In addition, we have lost the understanding of what true "civil disobedience" is all about.  Inherent in civil disobedience is the willingness to accept the consequences of your actions when you break a rule/law in protest.  These days protesters believe their right to protest includes the "right" to be free from consequences. 

I understand the fact that children are individuals, and need to express themselves (but really we can and should set age appropriate limits on that expression). I spend an hour a day in my son's classroom volunteering. Teachers are being asked to do more and more in the classroom with less and less. The least that parents can do is to send their children to school without distractions. Isn't there as much value in learning to be part of a team and working within the rules as there is in being different?

I totally agree with the comment from Don Mills Diva who said that the hairstyle was not a freedom of expression issue and that it was an issue of the mother trying "desperately" to win the approval of her child.

As a former teacher and current stay at hom mom, I see parents all the time who cater to their children, trying to please and placate children who are out of control.

This is the first that i"ve read of this incident, but I despair to see this same catered-to child in a couple of years. When children are taught and shown that they are the complete center of the universe and everyone must conform to their wants/needs on an ongoing basis, it can't be good for them.

that schools cannot tolerate difference to this extent. I remember in school getting in trouble with several other Black kids for wearing armbands in support of the children going missing/found dead in Atlanta. Our actions were seen as a "distraction." A friend's son was sent home from wearing a jersey with a map of Africa on it. School officials claimed the shirt was a "distraction." If these school officials are too discombobulated by mohawks, I wonder how afros and braids and locs would fare...

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast ( http://blog.lib.umn.edu/perry032/impossible/ )

At the end of the day, hair style / shirt style / lifestyle / parenting style choices aren't at issue here -- not as best I understand Shannon's piece. What's at issue is an attitude.
Is my child's perceived (and therefore, often temporary) delight more important that the guidelines and expectations set out by those I've agreed to be authorities over him?
Are my child's excited antics simple exuberance or possibly "limit pushing" considering what he is/isn't allowed to do when I'm *not* there?
Is my child's right to individuality infringing on someone else's right to individuality?
Is my child more important than another person?
Please understand, my son had his first mohawk when he was three. It's in our church directory. I have tattoos and piercings. I am *all about* individual expression. But I gladly combed back the 'hawk for preschool. Not because I felt he needed to "fit in", not because the leadership confronted us, but because I *chose* to place my child in the preschool and the preschool asked that students be groomed a certain way. They felt there had to be *some* guideline, and that's the one they landed on. But make no mistake, *it is MY choice* as a parent who stands in authority over my child and *my choices* will greatly determine how he responds to authority in his life.

So my son, who used to wear a dress to high school (and did get sent home once for wearing a skirt to high school because one day it was distracting, even though the other 10 times he'd worn it that year he had not been a distraction and apparently the white, whitebread kids who walk around with confederate flag badges on their backpacks and "Conceal Carry is My Right" t-shirts were not distracting), is one of the rarities since I have never stood beside him in a courtroom weeping inefective tears in front of a judge?

Please.

This attitude is what's causing distraction in the classroom.

Adults are teaching their kids that anyone who looks different, feels different, thinks different is someone to be pointed out, stared at, and laughed at until he/she is put in the "right place" and looks and feels and thinks just like they do.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net )

I don't understand why a hairstyle is distracting. Where we live LOTS of children where a mohawk. If you'll notice that LOTS of soccer players do as well. Not too long ago, so did Beckham (and looked pretty darn good doing it) I don't see where the problem is. And I would be outraged at a school trying to tell me how to wear my hair. Is this the 60's, when the Beatles hair was too long? I think it's absolutely ridiculous. When did a mohawk become anti-social behavior? It's just a hairstyle. Maybe one you like or don't, butthey aren't kicking kids out for having a mullet or for girls who need to get their roots done. And yes, that can be distracting as well, if you let it.

Thank you for having the courage to stand up and state the truth. Parents who enable their children's anti-social behavior often become parents who stand beside this same child, ten years later, in a courtroom, weeping ineffective tears, in front of the first and only adult with the courage to say "No" to this kid and mean it: a judge.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

Having worked in schools for over 15 years and having a special needs child myself, I have dealt with a lot of teachers and schools. I get to see the side that not many parents see-right from the inside.

I do agree that teachers need the support of the parents, and in the case of the child with the Mohawk, if the parent knowingly violated the dress code, then I have absolutely no sympathy whatsoever for her. Those are the rules, you knew them, broke 'em anyway, tough luck for you.

However. There is another side.

I have also dealt with teachers who tried to diagnose my child, who demanded medication (these aren't doctors!), labeled him as "just a bad kid", and who have belittled, humiliated, and shamed him. Unfortunately in the 8 years he's been in public school, the numbers of fantastic teachers has been woefully small, and he even has anxiety CAUSED by the treatment he received. In the end he was diagnosed with special needs that everyone missed until just last May. Special needs that we could see, but we were being told by teachers that we were "crazy" and he was just "bad". They were WRONG.

There are difficult kids out there and I'll be the first to say that mine is not easy to teach. However, respect goes both ways. If a teacher will listen to me and respect what I have to say as the parent (and obviously someone who knows the kid best..they don't have to agree!), and follow that IEP, I'll be behind them 200%. It's the teacher that tells me I'm full of it and won't recognize, nor accommodate, diagnosed special needs, and then points the finger at us and says it's our parenting, they can be prepared for a fight.

Show me respect, I'll be behind them all the way.

...exactly what I was thinking. Now I don't have to say anything other than 'I agree!'

I have been a pre-k/K teacher for 12 years, and I'd say in the past three or so I've seen a HUGE shift in parent/teacher dynamics. Parents are not doing their kids any favors when they show no respect for the people educating their children.

Learning how to follow rules is a life skill, right up there with learning how to read and write!

I'm not saying that there aren't valid times to question authority--but my heavens, a Mohawk in kindergarten? Come on, it's called common sense.

"Our children's generation will be populated largely by people who have a complete sense of entitlement." I'm afraid you're right.

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family
rocksinmydryer.typepad.com

rules regarding haircuts are "discrimination"?! This was a charter school that the parent chose for her child. She did so knowing that uniforms were required. She disregarding THREE warnings that the child's hair was considered disruptive and violated the dress code. And then she yells "discrimination" (which is absolutely inapplicable here and reveals, I think, a litigious nature) and trots her child out in front of the media to rant.

What a pathetic role model. Our children's generation will be populated largely by people who have a complete sense of entitlement and a complete disregard and disrespect for rules and authority. And it's because of parents like this Ohio mother.

Rules and establishment can and should be challenged in this country from time to time - when and where necessary and appropriate. This situation doesn't even come close, in my opinion.

Kate

Four Funny Kids ( http://4funnykids.blogspot.com )

...that the parents give you such a hard time. You're right, there does seem to be an "us vs. them" mindset, and that's too bad--because it's the kids who ultimately lose.

It puzzles me that our society is quick to call teachers heroes and insist that they need to be paid more money; but at the same time, parents often make the teacher's job so much harder. What a shame. You keep up the good work, and know that even if the parents are appreciative enough, you are changing children's lives.

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family
rocksinmydryer.typepad.com

Thank you for noticing that boy in the front row! :)

I have taught somewhere between 2-9th graders for the last 4 years. I love my job and i love my students. I want the best for them....all of them. but it is so hard to establish order in a classroom when a student is being given the ok by a parent to be disrespectful.

and yes even a hair style can cause a disruption. what if i as the teacher came to school with a mohawk? would anyone get anything done?? that's why i wait till after work :) it makes me sad that a mother would choose to remove her son from his friends and teachers so that he can keep a hairstyle instead of teaching him about respecting rules even if you disagree with them.

www.jenifferdake.com ( http://www.jenifferdake.com )

Oh, this story on TV was a real sore spot with me. If the parents do not respect the teachers, how can we expect our children to respect authority? With my second grader, it is always what the teacher says goes. It doesn't mean if she does something horrendous I'm not going to do something about it. But she is an authority figure to him and he should be taught to respect authority.

We had a very bad situation when he was in kindergarten. Every profession has someone that chose the wrong profession and realized it once it was too late to get out. He struggles with school and the teacher did everything she could to discourage him. At the end of the year we decided to put him in private school so he could get more one-on-one attention. We went this route for two years and this year he is back in public school. This time we have an awesome teacher that loves all of her kids. She especially loves each child for their differences and is amazing at teaching each child at his/her own level. She has 21 students in her class! She is absolutely awesome and we are very blessed.

If she told us his haircut was disturbing, you better believe we would change it. That class room is her domain. She has nothing but the kids well being at interest and I'm not going to do anything to disturb that if at all possible. Haircuts come and go. They are temporary, but an education is going to last a life time. Everyone should try and enjoy the journey as much as possible.

Thank you for acknowledging what teachers know all too well. Students will rise or fall to meet the bar that is set for them. I've been a teacher for 20 years and, in addition to being underpaid for someone with an eight year college education, these ongoing challenges exist on a daily basis.

My heart goes out to the student that is unknowingly singled out for the wrong reasons due to a parent's ignorance. The mere fact that it is a topic of an internet discussion shows just how sad this is. Unfortunately, the audience suffers, the students suffer, and the hardworking teacher suffers because of one person's immature choice.

I only hope that this parent is somehow lead to your post and sees the mirror being held.

I am in awe of what teachers have to do to educate our kids. My hat is off to anyone who goes into a classroom-you are all incredible.

I also can't believe the sense of entitlement that some people feel their kids have either. A situation similar to the one Shannon described happened to my daughter. The students were reading the poems that they had written-one at a time when one kid's mom and dad strolled in late (in the middle of my daughter's poem), on the cell phone! To make matters worse, their young son was running amok in the classroom while they smiled and chuckled.

Back to the case in point. I was getting all set to blast the school. I was furious that they would not let the kid wear his hair the way he wants to. Then I read that the mother had been warned three times, that her kid's 'do was not within the bounds of the schools stated dress code.

So what's up with that? Did she not really understand the rules? Did she think they didn't apply to her? Did she just ignore them, thinking that it all blow over? Who knows?

Whatever her reasons the messages that she is sending are scary-ignoring community rules and then cutting and running when things didn't go her way.
Yikes?

Why didn't she tell her son that there were standards that he-and all the children-had to adhere to and that he could have his Mohawk back over the summer.....

I too am a teacher. There are many wonderful families out there, but there are a handful of parents in each class, similar to the one in your article, that think educators are out to get them or their child. We aren't in the profession to break kids down & make their lives miserable. Why are parents so us vs. them now a days? At my school, the level of respect towards teachers and education in general, gets worse and worse each year. I am truely there to inspire and teach kids, but I am constantly treated like a doormat. Education is losing so many great teachers because we are burnt out from always being on the defensive end. When all we want, is to just work as a team to educate, motivate, and inspire the child.

Thanks Shannon for your supportive stance.

You are right on target. We may not always like or agree with every school rule out there but they are there for a reason. I try to teach my kids to follow the rules at school because throughout life there will be rules/laws that have to be followed for our society to function. You don't like wearing a suit? Don't work at the bank!

And really, should we let our 6 year olds run things that much? I would hate to see how their household is run behind closed doors if this is what they allow the world to see. No 6 year old should have that much power.

If I wasn't running out the door to teach my own class of 28 third graders (that's 28 eight year olds in one room folks!) I'd give some own examples of poor parental judgement that undermines what I'm trying to do, everything from 3rd graders who check out of school early to get their nails done, to parents who copy their students entire research report from the internet. I could tell stories for days that would amaze you.

And don't get me wrong. Where I teach in a suburb of Salt Lake there are some of the most wonderful students and parents on earth. This year I have a whole group of mothers who come and volunteer in the classroom an hour a week, and 90% of my parents give their kids lots of help with homeworks. But you are right on the money about how a few kids can completely ruin it for the ones who are really wanting to learn.

Kalyn Denny
Kalyn's Kitchen ( http://kalynskitchen.blogspot.com )

Thank you for posting this. I was a little disturbed that this boy's mother didn't believe the hairstyle was distracting, especially for students in kindergarten.

I love what Don Mills Diva ( http://donmillsdiva.blogspot.com/2008/02/fighting-... ) had to say about it, too:

These kinds of battles aren’t about human rights or freedom of expression. They’re about the parents’ desperate need for attention and their misguided hopes that their child will somehow make some kind of mark on the world, however frivolous.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not a curmudgeon. I am big fan of Mohawks. I also think crazy hair and clothes are actually good for kids. But if another adult, an adult charged with maintaining an environment conducive for learning for several hundred children, tells me my son’s appearance is disruptive, I’m going to respect that.