By beautifulswan on March 04, 2011
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 2to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 2and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24 NIV
I was raised Catholic and received all the sacraments...I stopped going to church April 1979..Considering I have very few memories of my childhood, adolescence and life in general. remembering the last day I went to church is an interesting thing to me...like others in this world I have some reservations about the whole organized religion...This did not stop my belief in GOD...I knew he existed and I also knew Jesus died for my sins..My mom always told us you don't have to go to church in order to be a good catholic..I never understood the whole confess to a priest in order to receive communion...I couldn't understand why if GOD knew what I was doing why couldn't I take the communion after all if we talked about it why confess to a priest??.the whole sex abuse within the catholic church came to light and the hypocrisy of the church drove me even further away..I went on with my life...never losing hope and knowing life would get better....I truly feel if I didn't know GOD loved me unconditionally my life would have turned out much different as well as my path..this is not to say I did NOT venture on the low road or the path of darkness......
Summer of 1995 I reached my bottom, I was at the height of my eating disorder and the casualness of how I viewed sex was destroying me..I asked GOD for help..for all intents and purposes I was not "saved"..he led me to a job where I met the person who ultimately brought me to CHRIST....I got a job working with adolescents with Autism..I fell in love with one of the kids and continued to work with him after I stopped working at his group home..This one child who cannot speak and relies on others for his care from eating to using the bathroom brought SOOOOO much into my life..It was his mother who led me to CHRIST.....Don't get me wrong I STILL went out sowed my wild oats....After a lifetime dream of mine came true a friend of mine told me GOD was wooing me.....I thought GOD is wooing me..he loves me how can he woo me...
March 23,2003...I finally GOT it...I was 34 yrs old...during a womens retreat which took some time for me to attend...it was the last day.and the speaker was talking about receiving communion..I broke down and felt this relief..i didn't do the "sinners prayer" I just knew....as if it were unspoken.. when I told my sister I was a Christian she told me if I was "born again" I was not part of the family...my "family" "threw" this in my face calling me self righteous and judgmental...making other comments about me going to church....I NEVER doubted Jesus dying for my sins...i knew it ..however I was never taught what it actually MEANT.....April 24, 2003 my dad died and I was at the hospital when he died..I was grateful GOD gave me this gift....and my father wanted me there...
I am 42yrs old and I have no immediate family..dad is dead and my mother and sisters are not in my life..they will not let me see my six nephews..my "biological" family consists of one aunt and 4 cousins and we are working on reconnecting..We are as "close" as we can be despite our past estrangement due to my family...I lost my job Dec 3rd, and unemployment took some time to kick in..I thought I was going to lose my apt and be "homeless/circulates amongst friends"..I am collecting food stamps and thanks to my education I will be filing bankruptcy...I cannot get a job in my chosen profession and am paying student loans for an degree which isn't worth the paper it is printed on...I graduated 2 yrs ago and received an important award upon graduation yet I am no closer to achieving my career goals..
I was looking for answers ..what was I supposed to do in the meantime while I sat here waiting for gods master plan with my life is falling apart around me??..how am I supposed to handle this..??..Finding a church has been discouraging. After another unsuccessful attempt I finally got it together and went to yet another church..It is at this new church I found my answers.. TRUST AND OBEY!!!....surrender my headspace.....Additionally Charles Stanley has also been a great help..
my friend a "non" believer told me I have been handling my life's circumstances with such grace and she is amazed at my strength...I gave GOD the glory and told her what her comment meant to me....when the question of "can people see GOD in your life ?" is posed I cringe and think I HOPE SO!!!..it looks like they do..I am in AWE of GOD and his love for me...I am grateful he has given me a support system of "non" believers and some 'believers"..My Faith is too strong to be swayed by those who do not believe...the only person I follow is Jesus.
I was diagnosed with PTSD..I am in recovery for an eating disorder... I am not on any medication nor do I use alcohol or drugs to self medicate..I did go for therapy however I can no longer afford it....GOD is my "medicine" so to speak and I have learned healthy ways to help me with my diagnosis and eating disorder..Its a struggle however with GOD in my life I will make it..I have a heart full of love and forgiveness..it has not been hardened because of my trials and tribulations.. .I am not sure why some people hear GODs call and go and others ignore it...why I followed GOD and my sisters didn't..I still have some "survivors guilt"....I do not think why me?? I think why not them???.....will my nephews hear the call and follow??..maybe it isn't there time... It is hard to turn their lives over to GOD and let them follow their own path and their journey is theirs to have..I have to trust GOD knows what he is doing...
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