Going for Broke

I need to write. If no one ever reads it, thats fine. Its how I stay balanced. Its how I sort out my thoughts. I need to see the big picture laid out in front of me. The process is this: I sit, I think, I pray, I come empty. Thats my secret for every thing, COME EMPTY. If I truly choose to be a vessel, a channel for the Lord to work then I need less of me and more room for Him to fill. So I wait and let Him show up, and He always does. It is going on midnight. It is quiet. As loud as I can be, as much fun as I like to have and how verbal I have always been these quiet moments are by far my favorite. The Lord has given me insomnia I am convinced because He is jealous for my time. So he quiets the house and awakens my mind. Tonight He reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband recently, "I dont know what it is, but this year your different then the last, your more fun, more enjoyable" these are his words, but I know the answer, Im more spent. This year I stretch to have a clean house, organic food, balanced budgets and perfect family photos. I stretch to be a good friend, good daughter, and good wife. I stretch to achieve pinterest boards, organized closets and library feild trips...but as much as I stretch im not elastic and I always break. I never complete the lists, I never reach the bar. So the list goes out the window and the pinterest logged off. I decided to spend my days eating cheerios on the floor with my 3 year old because "mama" will soon be "mom". The laundry can be done later because my dad is at work and would sure love if his grandson brought him ice tea. My neice needs to twirl and sing and I need to watch. My husband needs to fish and have bon fire's and I need to be available incase he has words he wants to express, and his laughter when telling a funny story is worth all im falling behind on by sitting next to him. Today Mason and I had a long conversation, I loved it. He told me about his favorite number, the purple ninja turtle and his grandmas house with the pool and m&ms, he told me he wants to become a police man or work at the tire store. I cant wait for all our future conversations. Today I accomplished nothing on my list. I came empty. He filled me with satisfaction and accomplishments that left evidence of dirty dishes, splattered finger paint, bathing suits in the hall and an empty gas tank, Today im spent, and I plan to live the rest of my days going for broke. When I come empty and express my desperation for all He is, He withholds nothing good from me.  -Goodnight friends, jana

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