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Hi - I'm Maria, nice to meet you! I've been a Contributing Editor here at BlogHer.com since 2006. I joined BlogHer as a full-time staff member after...
 
 
 
 

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Going Complaint-Free, Again

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A little over a year ago I started the Complaint Free World Challenge to go 21 days without complaining, gossiping or criticizing. It took me about seven months to successfully achieve 21 consecutive days without engaging in the negative talk but I did it and it felt great. Shortly thereafter my business and life slowly but surely began to feel the negative effects of the economy. Recently I realized that instead of finding positive and creative responses to the opportunities financial pressures create, all too often I find myself slipping into blaming the recession, frustrated into paralyzed inaction (where do I begin?) and resentful of others because they appear to be cruising along in a motor boat while I struggle to paddle a canoe in their wake.

Of course that is all an illusion. It is a reality I choose to create for myself and which I bring to life through my actions and attitude. It's not a pretty Maria and not one I like seeing in the mirror in the morning or at the end of a long day before I go to bed.

Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz I remind myself that I've had the power all along. I can choose how I respond to circumstances and I can create new ones. And so I am working on doing just that. I've taken lots of positive forward action in the past several weeks. As part of that work I am revisiting the Complaint Free World Challenge. My purple bracelet is back on my wrist. And already I can tell it is helping.

This time around I am not focusing on switching wrists and tracking days but rather on using the bracelet as a visual reminder to re-direct my thoughts and words towards me and what positive action I can take rather than lazily falling into gossiping, complaining and criticizing. It absolutely feels great to blow off steam. And I willingly open myself to friends who need to vent. While I cannot control what anyone else says or does I can decide how I will react (do I just offer to listen and not join in?) and what I do with that energy. What I am trying to not to do is to wallow in the easy comfort of putting all the blame for my circumstances on the recession or on others and instead choose to take positive action.

Another interesting influence going complaint-free is having this time is that I am reducing my consumption of news and reality TV. It is a very odd development in the world of a life-long news, information and pop-culture junkie. But with this recession the news is so relentlessly negative. I feel it eating my soul. And when I allow that noise into my life the temptation to curl up in a little ball and never leave my sofa is great. I find it much harder to not complain, gossip and criticize if I am on a steady diet of the stuff from the media.

I suspect I will return to my steady media diet when things pick up and the airwaves are not filled with non-stop stories of people losing their jobs, losing their homes, the growth of modern day shanty towns and the population of homeless children plus the relentless nit-picking, blame and schadenfreude generated by an economic crisis that nothing and no one seems able to fix.  But it will be interesting to see how the changes wrought by a little piece of purple rubber stick and create lasting change in my life.

Have you found yourself complaining more as the recession lingers and the news is relentlessly negative? Have you tried the Complaint Free Challenge? How is your success going?

Related Reading:

Deanna Raybourn at Blog A Go-Go: In which I am complaint-free

Because of this experiment, I've also started to think about the blogs, TV shows, and even people I know who seem to exist solely to find fault. All of the physical decluttering over the holidays seems to have led to some mental decluttering as well, and I'm finding myself more and more determined to deal positively with people and to engage as much as I can with people I aspire to be like. I'm building my bookmarks with people who are creative and enthusiastic and who DO things, creating a resource of inspiration for those days when I need to rub up against someone else's creative fires to get warm.

Christine Kane at Creating A Better Life: 9

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Maria Niles 6 pts

Thanks so much, serahrose. You've offered some great thoughts. Indeed venting sessions can be turned into opportunities to constructively work through underlying frustrations and problems.

I love and adore my friends who know how to ask insightful questions that quickly help me take a fresh look at an issue. I find it one of my favorite gifts to receive. And asking questions is one of my professional gigs so slipping into active, probing question mode is an occupational hazard.

However, sometimes some people just want to be heard and get it out. Period. So when I find myself slipping into active questioning mode when a friend is venting I try to stop myself and ask them if that is what they want at that time. If they just want someone to listen then I try, as a friend, to do just that. And if I am not focused on complaining myself it frees me up to be a better listener.

I can tell you that having taken the many months to get through the challenge the first time it has been easy to get back to a relatively complaint-free world with just wearing the bracelet as a reminder. It has been wonderful. I really think that working through the challenge makes for fundamental shifts that persist but that which might need an occasional tune up. :)

Thanks again for your comment!

serahrose 5 pts

I've just stumbled upon your idea...I wasn't privy to your last attempt at this noble idea.  Something you wrote struck me as interesting: "It absolutely feels great to blow off steam. And I willingly open
myself to friends who need to vent. While I cannot control what anyone
else says or does I can decide how I will react (do I just offer to
listen and not join in?) and what I do with that energy." 

I think it might be worth exploring this further.  When I 'blow off steam' I know in advance if I'm just ranting to hear myself talk, or if I'm ranting because I'm searching for an answer that I can't find without saying it out loud.  Perhaps I'll experiment, when I'm ranting, with phrasing things actively, to help those around me, and myself, acknowldge that I've got a purpose.  I'm not just complaining, I'm actually sorting through a problem, but I need help with the thought processes.

And "do I just offer to listen"...My best friend is the best conversationalist ever because she asks pointed, sincere, useful questions.  I've been learning from her.  It's much more useful in a conversation to ask questions to illicit an answer, then to nod in agreement so they have an ear to blow in or attempt to voice your opinion when she doesn't want to hear it.  Maybe, rather than just sitting (or joining in with the "complaints") try asking active answers that seek for more information...not more opinions, but solid, factual information.  It will make them think, I believe.

 Anyway, I look forward to hearing how you make out this time around.

Maria Niles 6 pts

I've found it very rewarding.

If you give it a try I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

Vered 5 pts

For various reasons, including the economy. 

I think this challenge would be very good for me. 

----

A Mommy Blogger ( http://momgrind.com/ ) and a Blogger For Hire ( http://momgrind.com/hire-me/ )

Maria Niles 6 pts

Great addition to the discussion, Jill, thanks! There is a guiding principle in Improvisation that says "yes, and" not "no, but". You stop the show by saying "no, but" and the other actors cannot improvise with you. "Yes, and" opens up possibilities.

It's OK to acknowledge facts that are not positive as mashadutoit in her earlier comment and the Eckhart Tolle quote above point out (the "yes") but suggesting solutions and taking positive action keeps the show going (the "and").

Here is an interesting blog post that explains "yes, and" a bit more: http://jenniferbdavis.blogspot.com/2006/07/yes-and...

JillDickinson 5 pts

Great post, I also want to add that staying positive to think of the possibilities of solutions is important as well! 

mashadutoit 5 pts

That is an interesting point, about ego. 

I suppose another way to put it would be - complaining is what you do instead of whatever it takes to change things.

Gah that did not come out right.

Maria Niles 6 pts

Congratulations on you return to gratitude journaling! I have never been able to keep it up in journal form so I try to stop and give silent thanks when I have moments in the day for which I am grateful. Reading your comment is one of those.

Maria Niles 6 pts

You raise an important distinction, mashadutoit, thank you. There is a difference between complaining and constructively criticizing especially when coupled with positive action. At the Complaint Free World website they've added a quote that illustrates the difference:

Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up—if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. ‘How dare you serve me cold soup…?’ That’s complaining.

—Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”

Britt Bravo 5 pts

I recently started my gratitude journal again for a similar reason.

mashadutoit 5 pts

But...what do you do when you are in a situation that needs to be changed? 

"complaining" is very much in the eye of the beholder.  Letting people know, in a positive, and constructive maner, what needs to be changed - is still perceived as complaining by those who have vested interests in the status quo.

Sure - I do complain too much. But just "making the best of it" and being positive without trying to change things - that is not going to work.  Surely - complaint has a purpose?  

Maria Niles 6 pts

Though, shhh, don't tell Denise, but I originally saw it on Oprah years ago ;)

Lisa Stone 6 pts

THIS much (throws arms open and falls on ground). Thank you, thank you Maria.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )
Surfette ( http://surfette.typepad.com )

BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/politics-news ).

Maria Niles 6 pts

Complaining seems easy but I find that not complaining lifts a big weight and ultimately makes life much easier. Thanks for your comment, Mariana.

Maria Niles 6 pts

Thanks so much for adding them and for your kind words. One of the posts I linked to above suggests asking before you speak if what you are about to say is necessary, truthful and kind. I think those are great questions to ask in order to determine if what you are going to say adds value. Adding value is such a worthy goal in life.

BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/maria-niles )
PopConsumer ( http://consumerpop.typepad.com/popconsumer )
Beyond Help ( http://mariax.vox.com/ )

marianaws 5 pts

take all complain and keep positive thinking and it will make our life more easy

Mariana

--------------

My Blog Diary ( http://www.bestweightlossdiary.com )

Wilma Ham 5 pts

Oh Maria, this is such a great post and you have touched upon something very important.
Keeping your thoughts positive and have them NOT going into a negative spin is more important than we think. 
Our language creates our reality, if I say my day is bad, it is bad. If I gossip I take my thoughts away from where they belong, sorting my own life out.
Keeping my vibration positive, will create positive experiences for me and for people I am dealing with.
I never understood that well until I now live it.
I stay away from media, so when I meet people I have no doom and gloom to report and only my positive thinking and being rubs off.

I make sure I add value with what I do and with what I say and think.
Before I act or open my mouth, I stop and think if this adds value and I am careful with where I spend my energy.
Being postive adds value, adding to the doom and gloom doesn't.
I personally have experienced that the law of attracting good things only works when I think and feel good things.

How I stay positive is by thoroughly believing that it works and by thoroughly knowing that me being miserable and watching miserable news is absolutely adding nothing and is not making anything better. 
I choose to be positive and because I choose to, I can.

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com ( http://www.wilmasblog.com/ )

Maria Niles 6 pts

Trust me, it ain't easy. At first it was one minute at a time at points.

Best of luck and I hope you'll update us on your progress and the positive changes you see.

BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/maria-niles )
PopConsumer ( http://consumerpop.typepad.com/popconsumer )
Beyond Help ( http://mariax.vox.com/ )

Suzette1 5 pts

I am! But, you're right, we could take a break now and then. I think I'll start with one day at a time, and build on that. Thanks for this great challenge!

Suzette Valle

http://mamarazzi.blogharbor.com ( http://mamarazzi.blogharbor.com/ )