The Golden Handcuffs – Is My Day Job Making Me Fat?

Hey Buttons!

I am a performer like everyone else on the face of NYC, and I have a day job… like everyone else that isn’t getting paid for their fucking amazing talents! The job allows me to make my own schedule which is rare and awesome, but the job itself is a little strange.

It’s online clothing rental for women, sizes 12-28. It sounds interesting enough, however my specific job is to receive the rented clothing the mildly overweight to morbidly obese women return, and electronically check them back into our system. Again, doesn’t sound so bad until you realize what I do; I physically take the worn (AKA dirty) clothing out of a UPS bag with my hands and find the tag with the SKU and type that number into our database. I then separate it in to wash or dry clean.

By the end of my shift, I have touched around 150 pieces of dirty clothing. I try to think of it as building up antibodies to germs and diseases, but I can’t help but think I have obese particles all over my hands, even after I desperately scrub them following my shift. My question is, how do I make the most of this situation as my rise to fame is in the works? There are definitely pros to the job (flexible M-F schedule, Fresh Direct food all day, and better pay than retail), but I have to touch women’s dirty clothing all day. Thoughts??

Love,

Obese Particle Hands

 

Dear Particle Hands,

I’m going to bullet point this shit because I feel like there are several important points that I need to address, and my public school education didn’t teach me how to organize a paragraph very well (thanks for nothing Mr. Hart), so I’ll just bullet it out to avoid having to properly punctuate.

1. Are your hands going to get fat? - Yes. Everyone knows fatness is contagious, but thankfully in your case it will only affect your hands. You’re going to look like Kristin Wiig’s Tiny Hand Girl…but like…in reverse. You know, I dated a fat guy for a while and I got really fat and I’m convinced that it was because I let him rub his fat self on my normal sized self all the time, and not because I always insisted that we lie around and eat takeout and not move our bodies at all. The good news is that my body got super fat, but my heart stayed normal and healthy, probably because I didn’t let him touch that at all (womp womp).

2. Are plus-sized people clothes dirtier than minus-sized size people clothes? – No. I am a size 6 and I am disgusting. If anything, bigger clothes are probably cleaner cause if they spill Moo Shu chicken on them (like I just did…and yes I’m eating Moo Shu at 10am on a Monday, don’t fucking judge me), there is more space for the Moo Shu spill to exist in. According to science, if a size 6 person spills a plate full of delicious Chinese food on their shirt, then that whole shirt is likely ruined, but if a size 28 person spills delicious Chinese food on their shirt, there is likely still some clean shirt left for them to wear. Something about area, and volume, and the quadratic equation or something. Science. Also, ten second rule! That Moo Shu is still good!

SUPER IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: All joking aside, people come in all shapes and sizes, and you should NOT let society dictate what your body should look like. Size 28 and feeling great? That’s awesome. Size 2 and feel like poo? Go get a fucking cheeseburger. Size 6 and eating Moo Shu off the floor at 10am on a Monday? Seek help.

And to the meat of your query…mmm…meat:

3. Day Jobs, how do you deal? - So, I’m also like trying to get super famous and stuff, but mostly no one pays me to write this blog (yet?), so I have to have a day job too. What do I do? I babysit. That’s right, I’m damn near 30 and I babysit for a living; same damn thing I did when I was 14 and saving up for a Tamagotchi pocket pet. I touch poop and pee and barf all day and I have ruined more than a few of my treasured Gap sweaters by literally having them covered in the excretions of another human being. Is it easy to feel like I’m stagnating in life? Oh hell yes! But here’s the deal Particle Hands, you live in New York, and you are actively pursuing your dream, and that makes you luckier, braver, and stupider than 90% of the world (yes…I know stupider isn’t a word, thanks Mr. Hart).

You have the privilege of ambition, and even though your day job might be a bit rough, its suckiness is incentive for you to keep trucking with the pursuit of your ACTUAL goals. There is no motivation stronger than discontent, and the fact that you don’t necessarily want to make a career out of fondling giant sweaters all day, means you’ll devote more time to fondling your giant dreams. I intentionally picked a day job with very little future (cause kids have no future (thanks global warming)(inception parentheses)), because I wanted to avoid the prospect of thegolden handcuffs (other kinds of handcuffs can be kind of fun), and it sounds like you’re doing the same.

So…I guess my only advice is, keep going. Wash some big girl pants, eat some free Fresh Direct©, and then go out and get your dream.

Best of luck,

Buttons

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