The Good, the Bad, and the (possibly) Infertile

Women are here to procreate. This is my duty as a wife, a woman and a mother. My husband wants me to have a baby, my children want me to have a baby, I want me to have a baby... my body can't seem to get the memo.  I have an amazing son and daughter with my first husband (that's a story for another time) and the sweetest stepdaughter you could imagine. Part of me feels guilty for wanting more, for being depressed it's been so hard to conceive my fourth child when so many are unable to have just one. That part of me it quiet and deeply buried under all this emotional turmoil I'm facing. We've been trying for 8 months with no success. I'm not ovulating, which is beyond frustrating. We recently went to the doctor to have some tests run and try and figure out what's up with my body. I had to have an HSG done last week. If you have to have one done don't google it. I'm pretty convinced google is the root of all evil. I was almost in tears petrified of this procedure. In reality it was an in and out, 10 minute, small cramping, easy peasy thing. My tubes looked perfectly normal. Awesome, so why am I not pregnant?!? On Saturday I was driving to have my blood work done. First off, let me put a warning out there: hormonal, borderline mentally unstable, possibly infernal woman who hasn't eaten all day... just stay away. It's not a pretty sight. I get a text from my ex-husband letting me know his girlfriend is pregnant. Opps, they just accidently had a baby. Let's let that sink in for a minute, shall we? I'm on my way to get poked and prodded ONCE AGAIN because my lady parts apparently hate me, and she just stumbles into pregnancy totally unwanted. Fuck her. I'm sorry, but I hope she gets really fat. Okay, not really, it's just hard. Really, emotionally rocking, balling while driving, self-esteem killing hard. My children want me to have a baby. When I said I was going to the doctor they asked if it was because I was going to have a baby. They talk about things they're going to teach the new baby, what we're going to name him/her, how my body is going to change. They're filled will excitement and wonder about this amazing gift of life. This amazing gift of life that I'm unable to give them. This amazing gift that my ex's girlfriend is now going to give them when I can't. Not only does she get a new baby, one she didn't want or even try for, she now gets all the wonder and excitement, all the questions and planning with my children. So, yea... fuck her. Screw her and her plump fertile eggs! I'm sure deep down inside I'm actually really excited and happy for them, but like my former guilt, I can't find it at this particular moment. I think I've done a pretty good job of dealing with our problems getting pregnant so far. There's something about going to the doctor and admitting you're having trouble that makes everything sink in a little more. There's something about having tests run, peeing on sticks, taking temperatures, waiting on results, charting, searching, blogging, googling, that drives an almost sane woman into something deep into the crazy pool. I think getting my blood results back will be a life saver. It's not knowing that makes it so hard. All the 'what ifs' that make having a normal thought almost impossible. I feel like I'm less of a woman. I feel like I'm unable to provide for my husband. It's emotionally wrecking and feeling like that just aides the infertility. I will hang on and I will keep trying because I have no other choice right now. It doesn't make the trying any easier to swallow, though.

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