Good Relationships Aren't Necessarily "Easy."

I am amzed at what a google search will lead to!  I can't believe how much validation and comfort I found in the article and comments. 

I met an amazing man and was with him for 4 years.  When I met him, I'd come out of a terrible on/off relationship.  So our relationship was very easy, very comfortable, and I knew he loved me more.  I'd always heard that this is what relationships were supposed to be like...easy.  I felt safe because I knew he'd never cheat on me and I'd never worry about whether he was attracted to me, loved me, etc.  He was consistent and SAFE!  We got married and 6 months later, I realized what had happened.  It was TOO SAFE!!  I loved him dearly, but no mental connection and no physical connection.  I only had an emotional connection based on what he had provided for me, unconditional love.  Needless to say, I'm an idealist when it comes to love and I had to find true passion and love, so I broke up with him.  Tough to leave a man that was so good to me.

Months later, I met a man that I truly believe is a melting pot of all the good qualities I've looked for and seen in my previous relationships.  He is the upgraded version.  It's quite bizarre.  I've been holding back, not giving 100% because I'm SOOO afraid of falling so hard.  We've been together for 8 months now and I adore him.  But...yes, it's NOT EASY!  I like the comment about jumping in and hoping that your bungee cord doesn't break.  That's what I've been wanting to do, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I'm inspired now. :)

It's work, but the good far far outweighs the bad.  We too had our first fight at about 4 months, which was terrible, devastating, unsettling, yet bizarrely amazing.  I saw his level of committment through our resolution.  Since then, we've had minor args and some heated discussions.  It's interesting that fighting and discussions can shed light on the strength of a relationship. 

I just wanted someone to tell me that it's not always easy. Sometimes I want to strangle him because we do miscommunicate and I do have to tell him what I need.  It's real to see that he tries to do things to make me happy.

Thank you ladies for your posts.  Not only did it help soothe my soul about my sad feelings over my divorce, but it helped me see that my relationship is real. :)

A year back my relationship started to fall apart.  It seemed like we still were connecting emotionally but the sex was just gone.  no chemestry.  We tried lots of different things to bring it back but nothing seemed to work.  Finally I found this article on how to <a href="http://verytogether.com/love/sex/spice-up-your-sex-with-erotic-role-playing.html">spice up your life with erotic role-play.</a>  We started doing it and within a week it was back, I felt like we had just met again.  I really recomend this for anyone who is having these sort of problems.  Good Luck!

ShalilahYes good relationships, marriages have to be worked at.  This is what's happening to Jon & Kate plus 8.  The media seems to want them to divorce.  Who played on who and so on and so. 

However the Goselyns did seeem to put themselves out their, the goody goody churchgoing couple and a lot of people are spared from their until the end of time marriage and Kate's I never feed y children fast food and yelling at Jon. 

When you put yourself out their you're opening yourself to scruiny and the public eye.

Not all realationships are easy. You will have good times and bad. Hopefully more good then bad but there are always hurrdles you have to get over at some point. That is what a real realationship is. And loving unconditionally which is hard for most people to do. Also accepting someone as they are and not trying to change them into something they are not.

This is an honest post and totally got my attention. A real r/s is not easy, I totally agree. When you put two different people together, you will have skirmishes and you will need to compromise. You can't always have your way nor can you always fight. To reach a balance, you gotta try pretty hard and"trying" is not easy.

I blog at Beauty Box ( http://www.beauty-box-online.com )

I finished this post and thought, Wow, I didn't really manage to say what I was trying to say. So I am SO GLAD that I kinda did! And I *love* what you all had to say:

"You have to be tough enough to show your authentic self and forgiving enough when things get tough (and they will) you don't walk away."

"if nothing else, it sure isn't easy for me to not let ghosts of my old relationships sabatoge this one. I keep calling friends to get a reality check on what I've been referring to as 'normal'."

"I went for easy, because easy meant safe. Safe because I knew I would never need that person. I would never lose myself in that relationship. I would never be heartbroken if it disappeared."

"Sure, you may have bad fights, but underneath you both respect and care about each other."

"When I see couples get in trouble is when they either ignore that their bad times are stronger than the good times, or when they make too much out of a rough spell."

Thank you!

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

I like the way you said things, too. No one goes without difficult times. You guys worked it out. When I see couples get in trouble is when they either ignore that their bad times are stronger than the good times, or when they make too much out of a rough spell.

Barbara Rice DeShong, Ph.D.

MysteryShrink.com

I would agree with you that it's not necessarily "easy," since the relationships that are false can be very easy, but I think if it's easy to be with someone, that's a good sign. As in, all of your conversations shouldn't require you to think up topics to discuss in advance! You shouldn't feel awkward when there are silences! It shouldn't be all about DRAMA; it should just be about two people who enjoy each other's company.

I think the "easiness" is more like "being at ease" with someone. As you described, it's when you can fight with someone and not worry that this will lead to a break-up. Sure, you may have bad fights, but underneath you both respect and care about each other. Which leads to better relationships and better understanding. I feel like I definitely have this with my husband, and it's a great feeling.

--

Laura Roberts, Button Tapper
http://buttontapper.com

This sentence succinctly describes my last few relationships:

No expectations can lead to very little stress, and then at some point someone inevitably has an expectation or two, and you break up. That's a kind of easy I'm done with.

I went for easy, because easy meant safe. Safe because I knew I would never need that person. I would never lose myself in that relationship. I would never be heartbroken if it disappeared.

No stress can be nice, but it's a bad barometer for love. Everything the no-stress relationship lacks- fear, insecurity, vulnerability- is inevitable when a relationship matters. I've chosen safety over love for too long. I too, am done with that.

(exploring the questions at http://halflifecrisis.com )

"But an actual situation where you get upset and then you say you're
sorry and then you talk about it and figure out how to hopefully fix it
for next time? Who does that?" I laughed out loud at this because I recently said something very similar (in my case, it was, "So I tell him that certain things would make me happy, he says OK, and then he actually does those things? Who does that?"). And I agree that it isn't about things being 'easy' - if nothing else, it sure isn't easy for me to not let ghosts of my old relationships sabatoge this one. I keep calling friends to get a reality check on what I've been referring to as 'normal'. After reading your post, I think 'real' is a much better way to describe it...

Jenn

http://quirkyeconomist.blogspot.com

letting your guard down. Totally. Diving head-long into a canyon and hoping like heck your bungee gear holds. I've found real relationships are 'get your hands dirty' hard work. You have to be tough enough to show your authentic self and forgiving enough when things get tough (and they will) you don't walk away. Instead, you dig deep and gut through it. Learn to fight fair and respectfully. Mountain tops are on the other side of  dark valleys...the view is great and your relationship stronger.

I must agree, it's not always easy, but worth it. 

Sandhill Sis

www.reclaimsimplicity.com ( http://www.reclaimsimplicity.com/ ) 

Discover how rich and hilarious life can be when it's simple. Tales and tips on making money mind, riding the recycle, simple food, homegrown music, gardening and more.