the good, the weird and the rude: 7 things people do to you when you're pregnant.

in my limited experience as a pregnant person, i've started to notice some recurring patterns in the things people do to me since i started growing a person inside of me. and naturally, i started to realize how hysterical some of them were (at least to me, they might not be funny to you at all, now that i think about it). if you've ever had a baby, i hope this makes you laugh. if you're planning on having one someday, i hope this little list helps prepare you for what will most certainly be done to you.

*if you have trouble distinguishing my sarcastic tone from my serious tone, or you just really don't get my sense of humor, i would like to preface this by saying that all of this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek. also, please feel free to do any of these things to me next time you see me. it'll be fun.*

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1. judge your coffee drinking.

actually, if you're like me, this will happen before you even announce you're pregnant. it will come from all sides. your doctor might say something like, "well, i made it through med school without caffeine, so i bet you can do it for 9 months", and everyone else might will insinuate tell you to your face that the second you stop drinking coffee is the second they'll know you're pregnant. except joke's on EVERYONE, because once you realize it doesn't make you feel ill in your first trimester, you have no intention of giving up coffee. (yes, i moved to half-caf at home, and i only order lattes at the coffee shop because it's controlled amounts of caffeine, but give it up? no sir, you'd be wrong about that, so take your judgey face elsewhere.)

2. touch your belly.

yes. this is most definitely a thing that will happen to you. and it's okay to fall on either side of the touch is/is not okay spectrum. i thought i was firmly on the do not touch side, but want to know something incredibly unexpected that i found out about myself? turns out that now that i have a little bump, i am okay with people touching my belly. not strangers or co-workers, OBVIOUSLY, but i'm having some kind of out of body experience where i have subconsciously given the belly area to the baby, and i'm okay with people touching it! some ground rules exist: a) you must ask before you touch. b) flat palms at all times, otherwise i will feel like you're squeezing the chub layer. c) YOU MUST ASK BEFORE YOU TOUCH.

p.s. did you see that my bump is totally popping out?

3. provide their opinion on your decision to find out the gender (or not).

you hate that we're not finding out if we're having a boy or girl until it's born? oh, you were hoping we'd wait because that's more exciting? too bad you totally missed the meeting between my husband and me where the decision was made, otherwise we would definitely have given you a say in the matter!

(we are waiting until baby z. is born to see if it's a little lady or little gentleman. you may leave your opinion on this decision in the comment section below!)

4. raise their eyebrows when you say the word "waterbirth".

i know this might freak people out, so the eyebrow raise is more understandable. careful though, if you make a face, i will be obligated to tell you about it in incredible detail. but yea, i might give birth in a bathtub! which also happens to be in a hospital, because i am a woman who likes to have options, and likes very much the idea of a healthy baby at the end of the ordeal, however that needs to happen. also, the idea of a natural birth without being surrounded in warm, soothing water gives me anxiety feelings.

5. tell you about the time they lost their mucus plug in a terribly horrifying situation.

firstly, i have plenty of horror stories i'm making up in my head right now about what could go wrong, i don't need to hear about how your water broke while you were sitting at work in the middle of an important meeting with all the important people. secondly, i need time to come to terms with things like mucus plugs and broken water and the labor process, so you'll forgive me if i don't fully participate in the conversation. i'm trying to avoid getting ptsd BEFORE i give birth.

6. ask you if you've gained any weight yet.

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