Of Decisions and Life
By lolali on April 03, 2013
Back in September of 2011, I was 23 and looking hopefully toward the future I planned out for myself. I was excited to go to post-secondary school. I wanted to get my professional life started. I wanted to learn to be somebody. In January of this year, I began to doubt myself. I wasn't - am not - doing well in one of my classes. I was upset and scared. I was put on academic probation with the words "you may be kicked out of school" hanging over my head. I made so many calls to my parents and even broke down in class and I never cry in front of anyone. The only person who has seen me cry that is not related to me is my best friend. I scared her when I did it. I scared myself when I cried in class, but I had two comforting voices there with me. I was glad for it. The support was immense.
I'm getting off-topic, though. I am writing this because I have made a huge decision (though it is not yet fully endorsed by my parents but at this age, it doesn't need to be). I am leaving university, taking a full course and then an online component so that I can start teaching English abroad. I tried this last year in Italy and it was amazing. It was then I decided that I really couldn't teach Canadian children because a lot of them tend to not appreciate English.
People who learn English abroad (that I have come across) appreciate it more. I want to be able to share my passion for the language with people who are there to learn it, not because they need to get the credit. Maybe there are students overseas that are like this, too, but I am hoping to change their mind. I am hoping to share my enthusiasm. I am hoping to make it fun.
Last night I tried to explain to a friend why I was doing what I was doing. I told him that with my 25th birthday not too far off (it's April 18th) that I wanted to start my life. He told me that my life started when I was born and that university, my friends and everything were my life. I told him he didn't understand. I told him it might be because he's newly turned 20, but I couldn't be sure. Maybe other people with this birthday on the horizon don't react this way, but I felt an intense need to get out there. I'm finishing up this year as best I can in case I want to come back. Part of me already knows I won't, but I may change my mind.
Why am I writing this?
Because I want to show other people that it's okay to leave, that it's okay to doubt what you're doing even if it's the accepted path. It's okay to want to get out there and do what you want to do.
Am I scared?
Terrified is more apt. I won't have my parents only three and a half hours away. I won't be able to drive to see my friends. I won't have my grandmother to go out to lunch or dinner with. My life is going to be completely different. I'm going to be leaving the country I was born and raised in. I'm going to deal with culture shock. I'm going to be homesick. At this point I don't even know what country I'm going to. I'm thinking Bulgaria, Thailand, Panama or Laos.
Life decisions like this aren't easy and I'm sure most people here understand that, but on the off chance that someone stumbles across this, I want them to know they're not alone. And I'm sure a part of me wants to know I'm not alone, too.
I decided to wait and enrolled in college The course is online. It's medical transcription and lord, it's tough. I want to have something stable before I take the leap. Still I'm frightened. Still I'm unsure. Still I find myself questioning everything. But if I stopped questioning, would that be healthy?
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