Goodbye Helicopters: The Rise of Humvee Parenting

Love this; I'm going to work on Benign Parenting with you. I think it does teach our kids that we parents have needs and interests too and life is not all about them.

I haven't read Skenazy to know if I like her tone, but I do support the idea that kids are able to do more on their own than we let them these days, and I like that she's starting the conversation. My kids will be at the park!

Dee Andrews  Travel and Travails   www.travelandtravails.com ( http://www.travelandtravails.com/ )

Families spending time together is now a "novel, new" concept? Really??? Maybe I'm just old enough to have missed out on the plethura of activities for kids - and, truth be told, I'm very thankful! I see many of my married friends who do have younger families and see how they have given up their weekends and nights to cart Hunter and Sophia around to their many activities and wonder, can this be healthy? - for the kids or for the parents? For the kids, I see them with seriou sports injuries at a far younger age; have growing anxiety about getting homework completed on time and done well, and losing their ability to have down time to relax, recharge or do something that is not pre-scheduled. For the parents, the same things - not time to recharge and, I wonder what will happen to them when the kids leave the house - you might think, "I can't wait for that time", but I see many married friends who don't know each other because they've spent the last 15 years so involved that there was never any time for them. I am glad to see that someone is finally waking up and realizing that family time together can do so much more for kids than all of these activities - even if they think it's a "new" concept!

OK, I started a long comment and decided it was actually a blog post for next week! I will reference your blog!

You've made me think and I like that!

Good luck,
Susie
www.motherhoot.blogspot.com ( http://www.motherhoot.blogspot.com )

Lisen, thanks for this essay. I agree with the research that suggests parents are obsessing about getting children into college. Even in my the infant/toddler parenting classes I teach I see parents' wheels spinning on that one, as they worry about their babies walking, talking and getting into the "right" preschool. I try to lighten them up and diffuse the anxiety they might pass on to their children!

I think we all need to trust our kids much more to development naturally and to find their interests. Pushing makes them much less self-motivated than trusting them does.

I also agree that our children's activities seem to always subvert our own. Even if we allow them only one afterschool activity it can add up to several days a week with practices, games, etc. Busy parents and kids, but not really connecting much. I love the way you siezed the moment with your boy when you missed his game.

I'm finding that when I've let my children down, or when they are upset for a myriad of reasons, we have the most precious times together. Listening, holding them while they cry, trying to get them to express their disappointments -- seems like it would be the worst of times but it often turns out to be the best of times. Maybe because we are forced to take a break from all our distracting activities.

You've made a very important point. Children used to help out the family by working either in the field or with an after school job. Now, the way that most children in our culture "contribute" is by getting good grades and over-performing. Giving our children a chance to contribute in meaningful ways - cooking dinner, groceries, laundry and so on - is critical to their self-esteem and helps build family unity. Plus, let's call it what it is: I'll be darned if I'm going to be the family maid! :)
Lisen
www.prismwork.com ( http://www.prismwork.com )

I love your idea of limiting activity. However, with my own children it is so dependent on temperament. My oldest hates to be scheduled - he is a one activity guy. My youngest wants and loves to be busy every moment of the day (and god bless him he has the energy for it - even when I occasionally don't!).

Gloria Steinem once said, "The first problem for all of us, women and men, is not to learn but to unlearn." I am working on unlearning each and every day. How about you?
Lisen
www.prismwork.com ( http://www.prismwork.com )

Definitely not in for leave them at the park day because I'm a little wary of Skenazy's leave-them-for-leaving-sake mission (I find her ideas mock those who choose a different path rather than celebrate her own philosophy. I'd be much more interested in what she had to say if she didn't spend so much time bashing other parents), but I'm pro-unplugging-them-from-the-overscheduled-life mentality. Each child gets one activity per week. When they're in middle school, I'd probably increase that to two activities. And that's it. The child who isn't doing the activity accompanies me and uses the time we're waiting to play board games or read books together. All other time is spent either letting them have their own free play or taking them on outings or letting them run with friends. And the point is that we're finding others are taking this approach too, hence how we're possible to have them run with their friends (their friends' parents have stopped overscheduling them too).

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

"Won't hurt, but won't help." LOVE that! While I'm not opposed to helping when it's warranted or asked for, it's important for our kids to make mistakes and learn from them. Your post made me think about what I do right, wrong, and what I can do better!

www.prayerposemom.com ( http://www.prayerposemom.com )

I agree with allowing my children more freedom to explore and make mistakes but since mine are still only 2 and 3 it may be illegal to leave them anywhere. My husband and I have discussed the future of our children often and we have decided to let them find out what they want to do but restrict how many things they take on. I may allow them to do 2 activities at one time but I would rather see them play outside or go places with us. Being an ex teacher I found the kids whose parents were relaxed and presented opportunities for their kids to have real life experiences were more successful than those that were running around like crazy from the time they left school. The over scheduled kids were worn out and often too tired to try as hard. Though they had the skills, they had less will and energy. Bottom line is that parenting comes in many shapes and sizes and one way does not fit all. You have to know you're kids and then provide what is good for them. No matter what you do you will always be labeled and judged so you do the best you can.

Sabreena @ http://thematernalexperiment.blogspot.com/

When my kids were small I home-schooled them so we spent lots of time together. There was also 4-H and FFA. I believe in keeping them busy but they need their own time too. If they are falling into bed every night exhausted from your schedule, then it's way too much.
My kids loved showing their animals or we would have stopped. Has anyone asked the kids if they want to do all this stuff constantly?

Vicky

One Army Wife and Mother

Living The Dream

We live two short blocks from the park in a very safe residential neighborhood. The park is always packed with kids, joggers, cyclists and dog-walkers.

My kids (10 and 12, but big for their ages) walk there without me lots of times. They meet friends and have massive Nerf gun battles, but are never more than a phone call away. So the whole leaving them at the park is not earth-shattering to me. ;)

I think the Free-Range idea is to foster self-reliance, to allow kids to take some small, managed risks in order to give them the same chances we had to experience the world for ourselves.

The first time I let my 12 year-old walk around the corner to buy milk at a convenience store, I was on pins and needles, but when he came home with a huge smile on his face and a new confidence in his bearing, I realized that he wanted to be useful. He wanted to take responsibility for doing things like that and I was denying him the chance. He was ready for it- I wasn't asking him to do something he was not equipped to handle. That's what Free-Range is all about.

I'm not sure what is meant by mocking other parents - it seems to me that she often speaks out against the 'bad mommy!' shaming that is so prevalent in our world today, where non-conformity to irrational fears means getting figuratively burned at the stake.

In any case, it is good to remember that we're all important - mommies no less so than kids - and we all have the right to pursue our dreams. Great article!