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Liz Gumbinner is a contributing editor to BlogHer Style but can also be found creeping around the political and parenting posts. She's the publisher...
 
 
 
 

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Grass: Greener. The Truth About the Mommy Wars.

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Most afternoons  these days, I race through the delightful Chelsea Market, grabbing a sandwich or a cup of overpriced Hale & Hearty to slurp down at my desk in the four minutes I've got before I'm snatched away to the next EMERGENCY OH MY GOD IT'S AN EMERGENCY at work.

In that time, meandering the long corridor of the historic building and peeking my head into the various storefronts to learn daily specials and tempt myself with evil thigh-enhancing confections (I'm looking at you, Fat Witch Brownies), I pass tables of parents.

So many parents.



It's not tourists so much now that the holidays have passed, but the chic West Village mommies getting a little fresh air and human contact with their newborns nestled into Bugaboos and Stokkes. It's a trio fresh from a mommy and me class, trading stories over Chicken Caesars while their toddlers race around in front of them, high on Rice Krispie bars. It's scruffy-faced stay at home dads, dangling eco totes filled with fig jams and artisanal breads from their elbows with a baby strapped to their chests. Or sometimes it's that brand new mom, bleary-eyed and unfocused, pushing a pram back and forth from her chair with one hand while clutching a 16-ounce latte for dear life in the other.

And I'm jealous.

Every time I stare at one of these mothers, in her perfect clothes with her perfect hair, settling in along the brick walls with a child dancing on her knees I think, what I would give not to be racing back to the office right now. What I would give to be here instead with my girls, sharing a croissant or teaching them about the 30 kinds of cheeses at Lucy's Whey.


And surely, one of the moms looks at me and thinks: What I would give for a whole 10 minutes to walk through these halls by myself. To peek into the shops without navigating a stroller through the crowd.  To avert my eyes for three seconds without the fear that my toddler will throw herself head-first into the waterfall.

And I think: The sound of giggling, shrieking children is so much more appealing right now than the sound of desk chair wheels rumbling through the halls and the industrial Fiery printer belching out PowerPoint decks.

And she thinks: The crying. OH the crying I'm going to have to listen to later after having kept the baby out a whole hour past her naptime.

And I think: Ah, to be a stay at home mom with a hedge fund husband so I can plan my day around hot chocolate outings.

And she thinks: Ah, to be a mom with a job that requires me to wear fancy shoes and use four syllable words and get through an entire day without hearing Elmo's voice or having someone throwing up on me.

And I think: I'm missing moments with my kids right now. I'm missing memories.

And she thinks: I'm missing myself.

And the funny thing is?

When the tables are turned and I'm the one sitting and eating and child-wrangling and mommying, the conversation in my head goes the exact same way.

 

Liz Gumbinner is the author of Mom-101, where this post was originally published. She's also a contributing editor to Blogher BeautyHacks, and the Editor of the shopping blog Cool Mom Picks when she's not toiling under the halogen lights of a New York ad agency.

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Mom101 5 pts

The land of cheese and chocolate? Wow, that sounds like a dream in itself.

It's interesting that you bring up the cringing when your child says something she learns from someone else; I think about that often. On one hand, it's something that will happen eventually - even something we HOPE will happen, right? On the other, it's hard to let go enough to know that we are not the sun, moon and earth to our children. There are other sources of learning and nurturing and love out there. Sigh.

Making millions at Mom-101 ( http://mom-101.com ) ( http://coolmompicks.com )

Cool Mom Picks ( http://coolmompicks.com )

HipMom 5 pts

Lately, I have been really thinking of going back to work. The latest move back to the land of cheese and chocolate seems to have thrown me into an early midlife crisis and now I find that I'm missing what I used to have.

Or am I? Would I be able to stay away from Stella the whole day and not cringe when I hear her say or sing something she learned from someone else? Would I be able to enjoy the company of other adults as much, be as patient, be charmed with the little (and big) quirks instead of annoyed, if it wasn't a rare treat, but part of the daily grind? Would having my own money, pulling my own weight make me feel better, more valuable? Why do I need an outside job to feel more valuable? Why can't I feel valuable for taking care of my kids?

I think that, to a degree, we all want what we can't have. And we want it all. And I don't think we can have it all, not really, no matter how much the celebrity moms say they have it, the little bitches ;-)

I envy working moms, but I know many of them envy SAHMs. (Those who aren't busy looking down at us, that is.) I love how eloquently you put this. Coulnd't have said it better.

Mom101 5 pts

It's true Jenna, I want to have it on my terms, and be willing to change roles hourly as it suits me. That not being an actual option, I guess we all just try to do the best with whatever we're doing at the time.

Thanks so much for the kind words.

Making millions at Mom-101 ( http://mom-101.com ) ( http://coolmompicks.com )

Cool Mom Picks ( http://coolmompicks.com )

JennaHatfield 10 pts

I lovelovelove this post. The way you wrote it is perfect. I've been having the exact same fight in my head recently as I went back to outside-the-home work in a very part time way this past fall. It's so strange, really, to want to get to work on certain days and then, once there, to want to get home as soon as possible.

I've been trying to form a post about it and really, you summed it up so wonderfully here. I'll be linking my readers in the near future.

Thank you.

@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom ) from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com )

Mom101 5 pts

Great point Cristina - I tend to think the mommy wars are mostly media created. Maybe "mommy squabbles" is more apt, because I do see some of those. But wars? Eh. I think for the most part we're too busy to fight with each other all that much.

I don't think any role is easier in the general sense. Now, there are some roles that may be easier depending on who you are and what your temperment is, but it's like saying this dress is prettier than that one. Who's to say?

Making millions at Mom-101 ( http://mom-101.com )

Cool Mom Picks ( http://coolmompicks.com )

Mom101 5 pts

That both the laptop will die and the kids will sleep all day. I might even get through more than four pages in a book. Imagine!

Making millions at Mom-101 ( http://mom-101.com )

Cool Mom Picks ( http://coolmompicks.com )

cctate 5 pts

What I love about this post is that it doesn't try to show either side as better or easier. They are just different, each with trade-offs, benefits and challenges. Let's get rid of the term "Mommy Wars"!

Cristina
Working Mom, Democrat, Patriot ( http://workingmomdemocrat.blogspot.com/ )

IsleDance 5 pts

So true...

One Friday night, Isle Dance ( http://isledance.blogspot.com ) loaded up her life and headed out...

bakinbaker 5 pts

Right now I'm a full-time working mom. I have also been a stay at home mom. I miss staying at home and when I was a SAHM I didn't miss working near as much. I feel like if I went back to it, I have enough family and friends nearby to keep me sane and not to mention my wonderful husband that lets me escape as it is. 

BakinBaker

AnythingItTakes.blogspot.com

It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in

Mama Murtz 5 pts

I've had that same conversation in my own head.  I also telecommute with my kids at home two days a week.  There are days when I wish the laptop would die, or the kids would sleep all day.  A constant struggle.  But at the end of the day, when I sit to dinner with my kids, it helps me treasure our times together.  Most of the time. :)