Why Being a Mother Makes Me Nuts!!!
By green_spirituality on February 24, 2012
MAMA'S IDEAL DAY: If I Had My Way... And a Time Machine
6:30am-- Awaken naturally to the glorious morn, seeing the beautiful colors of the sunrise seeping through the sides of the curtains, and hearing the multitude of birds singing praise to God for a wonderous morning!
All this happiness makes one chipper and looking forward to springing through the day and living life to its fullest!
6:45am-- Make nutritious, organic, and tasteful meal-- with all food bought from the Farmer's Market-- for all my men! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!
7am-- Sit with freshly-showered husband, eat aforementioned breakfast fare, and banter intelligently on topics such as politics, nice co-workers, and plans for our day!
7:15am--Nice, long, hot, luxurious shower! Take the time to use fruit-scented shampoo, conditioner, and mosturizing bodywash! Don't forget to shave my legs! (Just in case the husband gets "romantic inclinations" this evening. <eyebrows wiggle>). Put on flattering clothes of the latest fashion on slim-yet-curvy body.
7:30am-- Kiss husband goodbye as he is off to work!
7:31am-- Cheerily wash dishes and tidy the house for children's play!
8am-- The children all get up, rosy-cheeked and clear-eyed! Breakfast for them, no mess! Change super-absorbent hemp pocket diapers-- doing our part to save the earth!
8:30am-- Playtime in the playroom, all the toys teaching the alphabet, words, reading, numbers, counting, addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, expononents, 3D graphing, intergrating and LaPlace Transform, French, Spanish, Mandarin, piano, guitar, ASL, and computer programming-- in C++ and java! All this and organic too! Of course no TV!!!
10am-- Quick diaper change and all the boys gather around to read on my lap! I read Shakesphere to them, and my Advanced Physics textbook from college!
10:45am-- Healthy organic snack for the toddler, nursing for the twin babies!
11:00am-- Put all three in matching, clean outfits! Put on those cute matching shoes! Now into the car seats to go learn!
11:30am to 1:00pm-- Off to discover the world with all five senses at the museum! Then off to piano and violin lessons! (Today we focused on Mozart's later works!) Playtime at the park! Swimming lessons to follow! Then a wonderful, homemade picnic in the woods after berry-picking!
1:15pm to 2pm-- Hang out with mom friends and their kids at the zoo, watching the baby pandas meander about, and learn about conservation of the planet! Have invigorating conversations with mom-friends on how to best potty-train kids at 3 months old, who are the best babysitters, and where the next mother's night out will be that night!
2pm to 5pm-- Drop the kids off with the grandparents, where they all will nap peacefully for two and a half hours! Grandparents will feed them organic yogurt and fresh veggies for a snack, as food is the building-blocks for growing bodies! They will tell them rich, meaningful stories of our brave ancestors! Meanwhile, I go to the gym, where I exercise rigorously for an hour, toning my stomach area to look as if I never had kids! Another hot shower! Fluffy towels! Run some errands-- got to get extra-oatmeal for the craft-making playdate tomorrow! We will build functioning jets from just oatmeal, lemon juice, and Elmer's Glue!
5pm-- Pick all three clean boys up from grandparent's! Look, they've colored pictures for Mama! And wrote their names on top with perfect penmanship!
5:15pm-- Back home, playtime again for the boys while I tidy the house once more! Everybody into the bubble bath! Husband comes home in great mood to freshly-cleaned offspring! He gives us a surprise from work-- someone brought in a large fruit tray!
5:30pm-- Watch husband lovingly play peep-eye and tag and dancing for all the boys while I prepare another tasty, organic, nutritious meal! Oh what the hey!-- I'll make some low-fat fresh-baked cookies too!
6pm-- Suppertime! Babies grin at us from high chairs, while the toddler expertly uses his spoon to eat all his spinach! He refuses the cookie-- Mama's boy!!!
6:30pm-- Read the bible to kids and get them ready for bed!
8pm-- All the children instantly drift off to z-land, no fussing... a peaceful night!
8:01pm until-- "Alone" time with my husband! Start off with a nice, long foot-rub! Fade to black!
BABIES' IDEAL DAY: If They Had Their Way...
Midnight to noon: Hanging out by Mama's boob, while napping and nursing at leisure.
12:01pm-- Banana time!!!
12:15pm-- Require Mama's full attention while trying to cruise all over the nice furniture. Make sure to head opposite way from brothers.
12:45pm-- Tear down the blinds.
1pm-- Laugh at toddler's antics and then steal his toy. Laugh at him crying... big brother tantrums are funny! Crawl around and try to find things to put in the mouth.
1:30pm-- Spit up on the rug. Ahh, I feel much better!
2pm-- Hanging out by Mama's boob, while napping and nursing at leisure. Play tug-of-war with twin's hands. Be extra-extra-cute. Then poop.
5pm-- Play "flip-over" on the changing table. The best time to do this is during a dirty diaper change!
5:30pm-- Banana time!!! Make interesting faces at veggies.
6pm-- Bounce happily in exersaucers and play peep-eye with toddler.
7pm-- Mama and Daddy are eating! Time to practice cruising right NOW! Knock over stuff and try to put it in the mouth.
8pm until 8:02pm-- Cat nap... now I'm good to stay up until 11:59pm!
8:03pm until 11:58pm-- Laugh loudly with brothers and play adorably. Ha ha! Mama is so funny trying to rock us to sleep!
11:59pm-- Insert Mama's breast into mouth for sleep.
TODDLER'S IDEAL DAY: If He Had His Way...
Some Godforsaken Wee Hour of the Morning-- Wake up and run around house screeching.
6:30am-- Eat cookies for breakfast, making sure to smash half of them on the floor.
7am-- Run through the crumbs while a parent sweeps. Ha ha ha!
7:30am-- Go yell in baby brothers' faces, to make sure they're wide awake.
8am-- Run around naked and screaming.
8:30am until 11am-- Watch cartoons, the same ones repeatedly. Over and over and over.
11am-- Ice cream for a snack!! Unlimited cones. Drip it everywhere, then use it to "paint".
11:30am-- Try to "paint" brothers with ice cream. Try and elbow them until they fall down. Ha ha! Brothers are funny when they fall!
Noon- Demand Mama's full attention. Sit on her lap while she types, banging random keys until Starfall appears on the screen. Watch "Monkey Song" 25 times in a row.
1pm-- Lunch of cake!!!
1:30pm-- Run around screaming like a crazy midget. Try to tackle baby brothers that are learning to walk. Throw toys. REFUSE NAP!!!
4:30pm-- Create the most vile, grossest, nastiest, smelliest, rank poo ever known to mankind. Try and kick foot in it while being changed. Objective: Splatter it onto the wall. Make sure to stick right thumb (aka the "sucking thumb") into it at the beginning. Mama's so funny when she yells.
5pm-- Snack of cookies, ice cream, and cake!
5:15pm-- Choose the loudest toy and play with it repeatedly. Swing it around near a brother's head.
5:30pm-- Provoke brothers into a "crawling race". While they crawl behind, make sure the obstacle course includes steep steps.
6pm-- Hyperactive running. More cartoons. More throwing toys. Yell, "I GET COOKIE I GET COOKIE I GET COOKIE" for 10 minutes straight. Yet even more cartoons. "Play" with brothers.
7pm-- Supper time! Off-Mama's-plate! Throw most of it on the floor.
7:30pm-- Practice repeating words the parents use while sweeping up mess. In particular, pay attention to any word uttered before the phrase, "Ssh! No cussing in front of the children!" Note: Repeat this word at Church nursery, loudly.
8pm-- Bathtime! Splash everywhere, except in the tub.
8:30pm-- Insist on putting on all own clothes. The diaper should be inside-out, pants go backwards, and shirts thrown near toilet.
9pm-- More pandemonium. Increase likelihood of accidentally waking brothers by creating choas near them.
10pm-- Refuse to open mouth for teeth-brushing. Mama reads "Good Night Moon", and crash to sleep.
More Like This
Recent Posts by green_spirituality
Most Popular on BlogHer
Don Lemon Joins Whoopi Goldberg in Using Victim-Blaming Tactics to Defend Bill Cosby Against Rape Accusations
By Deb Rox
Most Popular on Family
Recent Comments on Family
By Tracy Gibb