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Did you hear the one about the woman (and a friend) who threw a birthday party for a friend at her place; only her boyfriend didn’t come because he had to finish a home-building project? There were 30-odd people in their house, having a good ol’ time, but her boyfriend didn’t hang with any of them—he had to get his project done, so he kept hard at work…and girlfriend was fine with that.
You probably didn’t hear this story because it just happened this weekend, to me, but it raised some interesting questions about expectations, boundaries and relationships I wanted to write about.
You see, in an earlier life, I would have been furious and wounded that the partner—boyfriend in this case, husband in earlier case—wasn’t at the party with me, sharing the experience and welcoming guests. How could it have been okay that A spent the night working on a project, instead of being at the party? Why was I perfectly fine with the idea that my beloved was locked in a room all night with brass bolts, screws and a hammer, putting together a DIY, built from scratch platform bed instead of chatting with the cute kids hanging out to celebrate CM’s birthday.
How come I laughed at 2:30 am when everyone had finally gone home and A’s comment was would I like to help him a little more with his building work?
Instead of screaming my head off, I said no, I was going to bed and I hoped he’d soon follow-- if he’d had enough carpentry and hammering for one night. (And of course, he came to bed soon after.)
The answer, friends, is a different set of expectations.
'These days, I put a lot more effort into asking myself what I actually want, versus what convention would dictate. If my choice is unconventional but I am good with it, I acknowledge that and prepare myself to explain to others, if I need to.
Also, when it comes to my partner (and other people in my life), I try to listen harder and better to what they say than I used to. Now, I want to actually take in what they really mean, not just what’s easy for me to pretend to understand. When A explained that he was afraid that if he didn’t push on this project to get it done now, it would drag on for weeks, I heard the fear and acknowledged the priority. I knew he wished he could be at the party, but that getting the project done was more time sensitive than I had realized.
Finally, at this point in my life, I want to put more of my effort into helping people I love get what they need and want. It’s not only about what makes me happy, it’s about helping someone else meet their goals—and understanding how what he wants and what I want can co-exist and be separate (even in the same house, at the same time.)
Is this so hard to do? Maybe it is.
As I was writing this post, I went onto friendfeed, and then on to Google, and then to Google Blog Search and queried on “good boundaries” and “we have good boundaries.” And you know what I found—just about nothing! For all the talk we have about establishing good boundaries, it doesn’t seem to be something people blog about much, at least not in ways I could find.
But I think that having these kinds of boundaries, not being overly invested in so many aspects of a partner’s behavior that it’s like having a twin, is essential to emotional health. Now that A and I live together, if I had opinions and requirements of him every minute of the day—or if he had them of me—I would feel over-controlled—or smothered. I feel so much better off because I can draw that line between us, between our behaviors and our connections, and let him set and own his priorities.
I was proud that I didn’t get bent out of shape because he missed the party (though I knew he would have had a great time)—and pleased I didn’t let his absence affect my fun (though I did wish he was with me at times). And I took this as one of those personal growth things that showed my ability to have good boundaries—and be a good partner—has gotten better over time.
What stories and tips about maintaining good boundaries can you share?
