A Grey's Anatomy Kind Of Day

This heart of mine, where do I begin?  I am trying.  I am trying so hard to be the person that sees the glass half full rather than not.  Sometimes--sometimes though there is a day where even I can't blow away the rainy day blues.

I decided to spend the majority of my day upstairs in the safety of my room as I bring to a close a week of sickness.  There is some part of me in the back of my mind that knew why I chose to watch Grey's Anatomy all day.  McDreamy realized two episodes ago that he was in love with Meredith.  So he followed her into a closet as she sobbed harder and harder.  He calmly shushed her and let her cry while a song played in the background.

I looked it up, the song.  It's "Scratch" by Hanna.  It is this haunting, light song where you can hear the regret on the singer's part of how she feels about the world, about herself, where it has taken her and her mistakes she put on herself.  It is a heart wrenching song full of wishing for a second chance for either a failed relationship or if you want to push it further, a second chance at something-maybe you can turn it towards God.  Who knows. 

For me, I am so full of wishes, and hopes, and dreams, but sometimes they fall so short.  To pull myself out of regret, out of self pity, out of failed love, out of a hole that you wish you could get out of, but everytime you try to pull yourself out of it, you clench onto the rope that is pulling you out while you toe your way up---but to lose one or two foot holdings to slide back a bit.  A little bit of that spark, that hope gets hard to hang onto while you are climbing up again.  Your wind is knocked out of you and it takes awhile for you to get enough courage to grip harder onto that rope---to put your foot back up again and keep going.  I have to hang onto that hope though.  I must hang onto that hope...

Here are the lyrics:

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And every day I wish I was small
Cause I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his world
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you get weary, do you ever get weak
How do you dream, when you can't fall asleep

Cause I've been wondering what your thinking
And if you like my dress tonight
Would you still say you loved me
Under this ordinary moonlight
I'm so afraid of what you'll say

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I used to think I was special
But only I have proved me wrong
I thought I could change the world with a song
But I have ended up in India
With no map to guide me home

The strangest place I think I've ever been
And all this time I thought that we were friends                                                                                          My stubborn will is learning to bend

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from Scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And every day I wish I was small...

Heather

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