I've been contemplating family dynamics a lot lately, so I thought I'd throw a few questions out there to Blogherland.
How many of you are close to your families? More specifically, your parents? Most specifically, your Mom? If you are close to your Mom, is it because you feel obligated to be, or because you truly enjoy her friendship? Do you feel obligated to care for your parents as they age?
... because if I could be a smidgen of the woman you just described I'd be happy too! :)
Even though I don't pick up the phone as much as I used to, I keep track of my cousins via Facebook and my sister via her blog. I just got my parents to start texting me. It still cracks me up. My husband and I text and keep up on Twitter.
Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.
It does certainly make staying in touch easier. I'm like you, I just don't pick up the phone as often! Do you live close to your parents? Do you think you'll be around to care for them as they age? :)
I'm close with my brother and sister, but my mom and I seem to go in seasons. Sometimes we're very close and other times we seem to annoy each other. She was never a cookie baking kind of mom, but she makes a fantastic vodka gimlet!
My entire family - cousins, second cousins, third cousins, aunts, great aunts/uncles...
We stay in touch and keep up with all of the happenings very well.
Most of the family has cell phones. That I think is our primary way to make contact.
The over 65 members however are very challenged and make us all want to pull our hair out because they don't keep their phones on!
When you text them, they think its an invasion. The only feature my dad wants is to get scores of football games. He does not care to speak with anyone or dial anything. I am afraid to get him a smartphone though....it would have to be very simple with a large smartphone screen and voice only capabilities!
Houseonahillorg
www.Houseonahillorg.blogspot.com
www.HealthierHappierHouseonahill.org
We're close enough. I say this as I laugh. Two hours of distance to my family sometimes hinders the closeness that I wish we had. Then, at the same time, when I'm with them for three weeks in the summer over various functions, I realize that two hours gives us just enough closeness. *insert wink here*
Similarly, I'm close enough with my mother. We worked hard to get to this point. Our versions of closeness differ, of course, as our personalities are different. That was hard for us both to understand and accept.
@FireMom from Stop, Drop and Blog and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land
I appreciate everyones responses, and I certainly identify with a few.
One thing no one has referred to is whether or not we feel obligated to care for our parents as they age? Any input?
Thanks! :)
I feel obligated to care for both my parents and my in-laws. We helped my in-laws move to a bigger city when my father-in-law developed emphesema. I consider it my daughterly duty to do provide emotional, physical and financial support to my parents if they should need it.
Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.
Thank you, Rita. I suspect a lot of women feel this way, I am hoping more will pop in to confirm or deny my suspicions. Whether or not we are close and how it relates to if we feel obligated to care for them is very interesting to me.
The tradition of caring for the older members in our family runs very strong. My parents cared for my paternal grandmother through her odyssey with Alzheimer's until the end. And my maternal grandmother, who is 89, lives with my parents now. My husband and I cared for his grandmother for several years, unitl she died last year (at 101 years old). We have also had "care periods" with his mother.
I will most definitely care for my parents, if I can. It's no small proposition, but it's worth giving them the comfort of your presence in their declining years. I think it gives them great comfort knowing that we want to do that. Of course, none of us want to think we will need it. But the way we are all hanging in there these days, we probably all will. I just hope my kids are taking note!!! :-)
Hi Gina!
I am not surprised at your answer, given your wonderful statements earlier about your Mom. I think your relationship with your family and tradition of caring for each other is honorable and quite frankly, beautiful. You hit the nail on the head with your kids taking note: I'm trying to flush this issue out of our peers to contemplate how our kids will view these issues... ;)
I have always had a mostly friendly relationship with my mom. When I got pregnant last year and really needed someone to talk to, it was nice to bounce things off of her, even if I didn't agree with everything she said. :) I've found that since my daughter was born that I talk to her much more than I used to (we live 600 miles away).
Do I feel obligated? I guess a little. I want her to get to know her granddaughter, and right now the only way we can do that is digitally, since trips to visit only occur once or twice a year. But I do love keeping in touch with my mom, baby or no baby. And maybe I'm finally starting to gain a little perspective on life and the big picture, but I'm trying to make the most of all the moments we have, especially as my parents age.
Amy
Both of my parents have passed away, and I'd give anything to have that "obligation" again. My Momma wanted to keep in touch with me when I traveled and was too cheap to call me long distance.. I bought her a computer and taught that 78 year old dog some new tricks. She e-mailed me every day (just a line or two, because it hurt her arthritis to type). That's all we needed to be "in touch." I still have all her e-mails on my computer and I read them now and then.
Now, if I could convince my kids to e-mail me every day....
Oh, stop dreaming, Shelly.
Shelly Kneupper Tucker
writes at This Eclectic Life
Thanks for the perspective, Shelly.
Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.
My mother lives with us now-almost a year. I thought perhaps it would bring us closer again. We were super annoyingly close throughout my years growing up and then after I left home. We would talk on the phone daily. It drove my ex a bit nuts at points.
Life changed. She wasn't happy with some decisions I made because she didn't see what I saw. She didn't know quite what I knew. I also was super busy making a new life. Her life changed. We spoke less often on the phone...and it was often stressful because she needed help and I wasn't there to give it.
Now she lives here...but she isn't the Mama of my youth or young adulthood. She is different and the combination of the change in her health and the change in her ability to track a conversation has made feeling close to her very hard...even though physically she is closer to me than she was for 20 years with states between us. I am different too and that is hard on her as well.
Another great point, thanks TW. Too often a big factor in caring for our parents as they age is that they are not entirely the same people. It can make the situation more difficult and heartbreaking as well. I admire you for reaching over the 20 year personal gap you had and caring for her in your own home. I admire you for acknowledging that you have both changed and respecting how things are different. It seems the loving foundation you both nurtured in your youth has stood the test of time. What a great example!
Oddly I knew it would end up being me caring for her, despite being the middle child. Of course, as my sisters would both say-I was the favorite. (though Denise would tell you different now. Thanks for the admiration but it certainly is unfounded. I spend a lot of time growling.
I don't think I ever became close with my family until I actually moved away. Far away. Like 5,676 miles away. I grew up on a small island in the Pacific called Saipan and when I moved away to college in Seattle and was finally on my own, I realized how much my mom did for me. It made me totally respect her. Even now, when places demands on me, like, buying her a flannel blanket now because she's certain no store in the entire state will have them in stock when she gets here in March, I'm much more empathetic, even if my brow is furrowed the whole time.
-Mona
I can found rambling at kirida dot com.
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Very Close to Mother-- Who is the Glue of the Family
Gina Carroll November 3, 2009 - 8:26am
I am very close to my family and particularly, my mother. She is the matriarch of our family. She is beautiful--like super-model beautiful. She does everything well--everything! She worked full-time my entire childhood and kept a clean house and baked cookies for our lunches in the wee hours of the morning. She morphed into this amazing grandmother, whose grandchildren are drawn to her like bees to lavendar. She is kind, compassionate and loving--the family cheerleader. If I could only be a smidgen like her, I'd be happy!
Is that normal?!?!? :-)
