Side Effects

Are you depressed?  Well, you might as well get over it on your own because the medications that drug companies are peddling on television have some pretty serious side effects.  If you take their remedies, you won’t be depressed anymore, but you might end up in a COMA or result in DEATH!

Is it me or have you noticed that practically ALL of the commercials now’a-days are geared to our boomer demographic...erectile dysfunction, pain relievers, adult diapers, wrinkle creams, male urinary problems, depression, mothers who drive you crazy

And, if you want to sleep, you better be careful about taking Ambien, or you’ll wind up driving to the store in the middle of the night with no memory of it the next morning...unless you hit the dumpster as you back out of the parking lot at the 7-11 after having walked into the store in your jammies with the squirrels on them.  And, because you’re not aware of any part of what you did, you can’t sue Ambien unless you have witnesses, and that’s a problem because most everyone is sound asleep like you think you are

Here’s the thing, just don’t read the little pamphlet that comes with your medication (or those pages in magazines which have a type-size that you can’t read without a magnifying glass anyway).  The power of suggestion is such that if you don’t KNOW what the side effects “may” be, they won’t hold the power, YOU will.  Of course, really, if you held the power in the first place, you wouldn’t need medication, right?  Middle age is so fucking confusing

Take two of whatever, but don’t call me in the morning,



‘Beauty knows no pain’ are words of wisdom from my mother.  She said it often and meant it.  The side effects of wearing two-inch heels throughout the sixties left my two feet in the shape of goat’s hooves with bunions the size of eyeballs.  But hey, my feet were pretty, my calves were well defined, and I felt like Sandra Dee.  Boy George didn’t exist then so that was not an available visual like it is now

I remember there was some drug that pregnant women were taking, I think in the seventies, that was supposed to protect fetuses from some sort of birth defect that later caused the same born-children to die of a horrible illness.  The parents of said children sued the drug company so that they could get vengeance, justice, and enough money to get a lifetime prescription for depression medicine

I once took Welbutrin to quit smoking.  I did happily quit smoking but also started drooling.  This was very embarrassing when trying to concentrate in meetings with high-end movie directors and probably caused me to lose a job or two.  After all, who wants a casting director who nods out at the first read-through? My mouth was hanging open too, and when I saw my reflection in a clothing-store window in Hollywood, I crossed the street to a bong shop and immediately bought a pack of American Spirit Lights.   I was smoking again but at least I could say my name without sounding like I just drank a fifth of Jose Cuervo

I once took diet pills that my Doctor/Step Father gave me because he didn’t think having an overweight daughter was socially acceptable for a man in his position.  These were called Desbutol and I was going to my college classes in fast motion, shaking like a crack addict, and generally nervous enough to catch a hummingbird.  Strangely enough, I gained weight and started a thirty-year addiction to nicotine which lead me to experimenting with a drug called Welbutrin and…..I give up.  I’m just going to stick with cannabis and vodka.  That way the only side effects I have to worry about are cab fare and the ‘munchies



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