Over the last few years, I've developed these white spots on my
arms and legs.  When I pointed
these out to my dermatologist he was very reassuring and told me:


DOCTOR: Welcome to getting old.


To which I responded:


JESSICA: Thanks f*@er  doc.

what he meant by his oh so subtle response, is that I have no melatonin
left in those portions of my skin and therefore will continue to look
like a Jewish American Leapordess for the rest of my life.  It also
means that I have been alive so long that I have actually RUN OUT of a
hormone and I did it all by maintaining a color of skin just a tad
darker than that of a cotton ball all while living in a state where the
sun refuses NOT to shine.

On top of all
that, I now have GERD. Yes, sadly, I presently have gastro-esophageal
reflux disease that I only just now learned how to spell by looking it
up on Wikipedia. Now, if, like me, you were born the youngest in your
family, you will understand why it is I was forced to do so. If you’re
reading this and have no idea what I’m talking about, please head over
to (the web series) and click on “BORN STUPID”. It will
explain a lot and might finally provide you with an excuse for why you
seem to get loaded at every familial gathering.

Anyway, knowing death was imminent, wondering how I might deal with this fatal
chronic illness, I immediately went to the internet to look up what
exactly I needed to do to resolve the problem and of course, like any
professional Jew
hypochondriac whose been honing her “craft” for years, I waited until
very late at night when it would be impossible to call anyone without
risking waking someone out of a deep sleep, something I confess I’ve
done before only to find myself wishing I did in fact  I have
Scleroderma just so I had justification for the phone call. 

order to stop having to sleep sitting up and spending the dark hours of
the night promising God that if he took the pain away and gave me a boyfriend, I would never say another bad word that began with an "A" about ex husband ever again,  I knew I was going to have to change my diet.  

problem was, the dietary recommendations for GERD didn't so much
recommend that I alter my diet as it did  ERADICATE IT.  By all intents
and purposes, for me to live "GERD" free, I would be required to stop
eating as the diet tells you to refrain from ingesting any of the


2.Caffeinated and DE caffeinated drinks.

3. Tomatoes or anything with a tomato base.

4. Citrus

5. All carbonated drinks

6. Fat

(Do you know what foods have fat in them?  ALL OF THEM. Although, I hear they now make fat free OXYGEN. )

doesn't matter because I never did finish reading the list as I believe
after number six I went to order a Pepperoni Pizza and in the process
spilled my Diet Coke which I needed to then replace because I was so
thirsty from the Hershey bar I had just ingested. Besides, I decided
that if God had meant me to never eat these foods again he would have
never invented Prilosec so I took take the easy way out
went with what I thought was right for me and bought some for myself
although I'm not sure if it's working because right now I have a bit of
a pain in my chest and that can only be one of two things, the meds
aren't doing their job OR I'm having a heart attack. 

"Welcome to getting old."

Hope you all had a wonderful New Year.


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