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HaD/RaD's Featured Guest Blogger, is Abigail Pogrebin, an identical twin (she's on the right in this photo, next to her twin sister Robin) who has written a great book, and as an identical twin, raising fraternal twins, I'd love to present it to my readers, especially those parenting multiples.
Abby Pogrebin’s book about twins and singularity -- takes you on her quest to learn more about twin identity. It's called ONE AND THE SAME
As an identical twin parenting fraternal twins, I've given a glimpse in this blog about twin identity but I think Abby's book, which is her quest to gain wisdom about multiples and identity, and can give greater insight. She went to great lengths to interview twins and talk about their search for identity.
I know one thing as a twin myself: It is nearly impossible for twins to maintain full separation as they truly are one and the same, created inutero with a bond that is almost psychic in nature. However, all human beings strive to be individualistic. With multiples, this is much harder since the nature of their births creates an impression on family, friends, associates, even the multiples themselves, that they are part of a unit and should be by default one and the same.
I'll leave Abby to write her blog entry (it's on its way as she flies across the sea) and I hope you will enjoy reading the Chapter she has excerpted.
Here's Abby's blog entry:
Since my book about twins came out October 20th, I’ve been asked the same two important questions over and over: How does being a twin affect my parenting, and what would I advise parents of twins, based on my two years of research, numerous interviews with adult twins, and my own twin experience?
My first answer is: spend separate time with each child. It may seem obvious, but so many parent of twins don’t do it because they see how happy their twins are together, because they don’t want to intrude on their effortless bond, or because it’s just plain easier to take two at a time. But listening to my sister Robin tell me that she’s not even sure to this day that our parents truly know us apart and that she has struggled with a sense of distinction in the world made me very clear that individual time can make the individual. I am now hyper-aware of spending separate time with my two children, who are 12 and 10 years old. I make sure to wander into each of their rooms at odd times, and just flop on the bed and see what they have to say, or to take just one of them out for a meal. I know how the rough-and-tumble of life often gets in the way of independent outings: we’re all rushing to the same activities or taking the same trips together. There isn’t always that open-ended time to just chat or take a walk with no particular destination in mind.
My sister admits in my book that one of the reasons she didn’t have a third child was because she missed separate memories with our parents and didn’t want to risk having too little time for too many kids. It should be said that we had a wonderful, colorful childhood, and I think Robin wouldn’t trade it. But the absence of undivided time resulted in a muddying of Robin’s sense of self, and now that I’ve spoken to so many experts, I understand how common and problematic that can be.
The other advice I’d offer is to resist comparisons. They’re so tempting, but so destructive. Believe me, siblings will inevitably measure themselves ceaselessly, without a parent’s prodding. So many of the twins I spoke to said they were aware of who was favored, or what their convenient labels were – “the athletic one,” “the brainy one.” All those tags did in the end was make them feel boxed in.
One of the major themes that came to me in the process of writing this
