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A college friend who just had his second child recently gave me some good advice on the "kid question". You know, the one that comes up, typically, after two years of marriage or less, from your friends, your in-laws, your gynecologist ...
He said,
"There's NEVER a perfect time to have a child. If you wait for it, you will never have one. It's very much a 'leap now and find the net later' mentality. You pretty much just have to be completely mental to want kids, but it is a beautiful insanity, I assure you. Even with the straightjacket."
So, I'm not averse to change, or risk. Most entrepreneurs thrive on both. But the kid thing is different. When it comes to parenting I'm a voyeur--I like to watch. I marvel at how parents do even the most mundane activities while being responsible for little people. And if the parents both work I'm even more fascinated: See Mommy make lunches; see kids scream for seemingly no reason, and Mommy continuing to make sandwiches. see Daddy get the kids in the car. See Mommy and Daddy fall asleep on the couch that evening during the first minute they have together alone. See them do it again in the morning.
Add to this mix Mommy going to a job that has penalized her for having her kids. She still works, but she wonders, if she's only making a percentage of what she did and won't get a promotion (because often "part time" is re-interpreted by HR as "part competent") then maybe she should have just stayed at home. Add to this mix Daddy having to come home late several nights each week for client dinners, or because of a critical proposal that's due the next day.
I've seen this play out, time and time again, with people I know, and I wonder how it could be done differently. And I realize that these are the advantaged ones who have the option of one or both parents working. And who have, perhaps unconsciously, made the decision of whose career was more pliable, or sacrificeable.
I've also seen the kid-less version of domestic cooperation played out in my own home. And though it's simplified without children, the mold that determines who would do what is being set, and that has terrified both of us. As the one in my relationship who travels more and cooks less, I wonder how I could make up for what I don't contribute to the household. And would I be available for my children the way I envisioned I would be, before I understood the difference between a job and a career? My parenting ideal was set back in 1982, when my career aspiration was to live at the top of a really, really tall skyscraper in Chicago and to have front-row tickets to all the Cubs games. I just assumed I would be the boss of something. So some of this was off, but one aspect was self-prophesying: I assumed I was going to work so hard as an adult that my husband would beg me to work less so we could spend more time with our family. It seemed very romantic at the time.
I didn't dream of being a ballerina when I grew up, or a housewife; I always expected to work. I never struggled to offload some of the housework; I never expected to do it. Clearly there are blank spaces on the canvas of my grand vision of cooperative parenting. I just never expected to sacrifice for my career. And just like many working men with working wives, I'm seeing that that's not realistic. For one thing, if we decided to be parents I would be the one physically having the child. Even in the most barbaric circumstances I couldn't just procreate then hop back on my concall. Parenthood is interruptive, period. And even the most self-absorbed people are transformed by it. But while asserting my rights as a woman to have a fully realized career and a family I'm unwittingly nudging my husband away from his aspirations.
The latest study by the Families and Work Institute confirms why we need to explore options that allow both partners to achieve in their careers and tend to their families in equal measure. The report showed several shifts over 30 years, including a growing number of
