Guilt Punished or Guilty Pleasure?

Last night Husband took the kids to the gym with him. They love to go to this gym; the kids' area is one big playground with electronic wall ball, soccer, volleyball, etc. The idea is to keep them active and not sedentary while mom and/or dad are working out. That has nothing to do with this post, I just put it in there. Free info. You're welcome.

I was left at home, alone. It was the first time in many weeks that I've been alone with very little do. I took some movies back to the store, then drove back toward home. At one intersection I realized I was (gasp!) bored! It was a beautiful, albeit hot, evening and I was alone.

Last year I would have turned at that intersection and gone to Emily's house for a glass of wine. Emily lives in another state now. My other friends are busy with their families preparing for school and I didn't want to intrude. Besides, I didn't have anything to say or do, I just wanted to visit with someone. Not everyone likes the drop-in. Emily never seemed to mind, though.

I drove through the intersection and decided I'd head to our Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market to buy a few things. I knew I didn't really want to go home to the empty house just yet.

I walked the aisles at Wal-Mart. Cookies? Hmmm. No. Wait. Max wants Zebra Cakes. Should I make a cake? Not tonight. Lindt truffles, candy bars, chocolate-covered nuts? I guess not. I walked down the frozen foods aisle. Ice cream. Yes. Karamel Sutra ought to do the trick.

Wait.

What trick?

It was then that I realized I had walked the aisles of Wal-Mart looking for something to fill the void I felt. I was lonely without my kids with me, even for an hour and a half. Normally I would look at that time and, frankly, feel relief at a few moments alone. A gifted guilty pleasure. This loneliness, though, was deeper. I knew it was the first of the school year and this absence of children was just the beginning.

I went home and ate the entire pint of Karamel Sutra. And I felt guilty. And punished. Guilty for eating the ice cream and guilty for sending my kids away for seven hours. Guilty because there would be times when I am glad they are gone. Punished because I always overeat to punish myself. None of it is logical. In fact, it's difficult to put into words.

When my kids came home I put them to bed and laid with them a little longer.

Today I'll have lunch with Shannon and go to her house to do blogging stuff while Corrie sleeps.

I have a PTA meeting tomorrow.

I'll stay busy. I'll try to find some free-lance writing gigs. I'll cook and I'll clean. But sometimes I still wonder if it's really enough. You know?