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When my divorced friend Barb moved in with her new boyfriend two years ago, she promised herself she’d make their relationship - particularly their sex life - top priority. So in addition to their 6-10 weekly sessions of dynamite sex, Barb ALSO decided to make every Tuesday night all about his – and only his – sexual pleasure.
Now I’m sure you’d all agree that Barb’s new ritual was very generous. If you’re like me, you may even wonder why SHE didn’t get a night devoted to HER in return? But Barb wanted to go the extra mile to show her boyfriend how much she loved and desired him. Moreover, during their normal love-making sessions, he was always so generous in pleasuring HER (and teaching her new things about her body) that she wanted to make him feel extra special,too.
But believe it or not, trouble has brewed in Sexual Paradise. Because instead of thanking his lucky stars for a sex life most men would die for, her boyfriend has become, as Barb puts it, “sexually lazy.” In other words, he has STOPPED pleasuring HER as often and with the same enthusiasm as he did before.
I find his reaction baffling; I just never thought that anyone (particularly men?) would take great sex for granted. I mean, if someone was going THAT far to show their love to you, wouldn’t you give it your all to make sure he/she was happy and satisfied too?
Obviously and with good reason, Barb was growing more resentful and upset at her boyfriend’s behavior. She said she felt he’d “falsely represented himself in the bedroom.” After all, she’d been passionate and enthusiastic from the beginning of their relationship – and that’s who she continues to be to this day. He, on the other, had presented himself as one way, only to ’fall back’ into a less-generous kind of lover. And right away, I started wondering how often this happened with couples; that is, they start out their relationship or marriage having lots of sex only to have one person lose interest/enthusiasm: maybe kids came along or some other life variable choked his/her interest. Is this excuse enough? Is this false representation in a way? Or does the person whose left wanting sex have unrealistic expectations of a maturing relationship?
Barb – always a woman to say she how feels, even when it’s tough, finally couldn’t take it anymore. She told her boyfriend straight out that his behavior was hurting her and that she could no longer, out of a sense of love for him or herself, continue on with their Tuesday night ritual. And I must say I admired her courage and ability to communicate her needs. That wasn’t an easy thing to say, and she could have chosen to bury it or blame herself for his disinterest and allowed matters to plunge into a dangerous downward spiral. But instead she chose to speak up, honor her needs, and give him the chance to fully understand how she was feeling. Perhaps this is something many of us can learn from…
And how did her boyfriend respond to her confession? Well, as of yet, let’s just say that BJ Tuesdays have still been indefinately suspended. But she’s sighing and smiling a lot more already….
Delaine Moore
Because a woman's body never lies...
