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Your soggy bodies collapse beside each other, too depleted to even wipe away the beads of sweat swelling above your brow and trickling down into your ears. Your lover rolls off to one side of the bed feeling for a light: you turn and watch the embers at the end of the cigarette ignite, then gaze as he takes a long drag and exhales a vapor trail of smoke into the silence. “Ahhhhhh,” he speaks. “That was great!” You dreamily reply, “Yeah…Wow…that was…amazing!” He reaches over and rests his weary hand on your thigh, takes one last drag; you both lie quietly as the smoke disappears into the night. You gaze at his strong silhouette. He falls off to sleep as you drift off into visions of Happily Ever After…until…
Until you suddenly realize you’re not alone! That right now, at this very moment, there are between 40 to 600 million sperm fighting for their lives, swimming frantically upstream in your fallopian tubes, heading directly for your ovum. Each one determined they will be the one that succeeds in making you a little chubby bubby baby of your very own, that looks exactly like both of you! The alarm goes off inside your brain: Sheeeiiaaattt, did I take my birth control pill? I thought I did I. Didn’t I? or Holy crap what if that ring thing doesn’t work? or OMG, I don’t take birth control and we-didn’t-use-a-condom. WAAAH!
I guess there’s always the morning-after pill. Yeah, right, I can run down and get one of those…well, what if that doesn’t work? Uhhhmmm, okay, an abortion. I can always have an ABORTION? OH God, oh right! GOD…God please, please, please, don’t let me be pregnant, I swear if you do this for me, I, I…I won’t, I won’t…ever have sex again.” (Fingers crossed behind your back.) Funny how we can become intermittently religious, no?
The thing, is I love him, I mean I really like him or, I think he might be The One. Nine months later; perhaps a ring, maybe some wedding bells, who knows. One thing I do know is that the absent-father syndrome is rampant in our culture and, whether you loved each other or not, simply put; some men just leave. Don’t you think it makes sense to find out which kind of man you are about to invest you and your child’s future in? The kind of man that stays or the kind that leaves? The kind of man that thinks having sex is an awesome responsibility and believes they are as responsible as you are, no matter what happens? The kind of man that wants to be a father, that knows what that means—or, at the very least, will do their best to figure that out? Precisely when do you want to know the man you just had epic sex with is going to stay, to be a good father and keep his part of the bargain for the next 18-20-plus years? Before or after you get intimate? Here’s the thing: negotiating these life-changing details is next to impossible to do after the fact. I don’t care how cute or great in the sack you are. Time to find out if you’ve got yourself a boy, a guy or a man. When it comes to making babies, you’re going to need to know!
BOYZ!
Boy meets girl. ~ Boy wonders what she looks like naked.
Girl says hello. ~ Boy thinks, She wants me!
Girl says, “Call me.” ~ Boy suspects he could get laid.
Girl says yes to date. ~ Boy brings prophylactic.
Girl agrees to kiss. ~ Boy initiates second base.
Girl agrees to touch. ~ Boy negotiates mounting position.
Girl agrees to submit. ~ Boy is almost done.
Girl wants to snuggle. ~ Boy wants to leave.
Girl wants relationship. ~ Boy wants freedom.
Girl wants commitment. ~ Boy wants to meet another girl.
This scenario is likely an adolescent encounter, one in which neither boy nor girl has realized their own worth. But we also see this pattern repeated into adulthood by guyz and gals. Then looks something like this:
GUYZ!
Guy meets gal. ~ Guy wonders what gal looks like naked.
Gal smiles. ~ Guy knows she wants him.
Gal says “I’ll call you.” ~ Guy gives her his office voicemail JIC she’s a whacker.
Gal initiates meeting. ~ Guy picks Tuesday night for early drinks, JIC.
Gal imagines what their children will look like. ~ Guy hopes she doesn’t talk too much.
Gal negotiates sex. ~ Guy rehearses story for optimal quick departure.
Gal calls for days. ~ Guy thinks, I knew