Hags, Fags and Bags; Breakup Remedies for Shipwrecked Sirens

A girl can only eat so much ice cream while crying.  Soon, face and belly equally bloated, that evil little voice on your shoulder is right; you really are pathetic and nobody else will ever love you.  So now what?  It's time to put down the snot rag and spoon, and pick up the phone.

Step 1; Hags!

If you're a women, you've probably made the classic mistake of neglecting your girlfriends after you met that looser you thought was Mr. Right.  Now that it's gone all wrong, you may feel sheepish about calling in the aid of your mislaid mistresses.  You're right.  You fucked up.  But take this as a lesson learned and realize that your girlfriends have probably made the same mistake; thus they're really in no position to judge.  Be further reassured that social etiquette will prevent them from mentioning this blaring over site until well after the initial crises has passed -- and they will; but that's another story for another time.  So call in the national guard of your lady friends and cry cry cry away on their shoulders.  This is your big chance to have an epic sized pity party and invite all your closest friends -- so Indulge.  To maximize effect; just add alcohol.  Once they chime in about their loves lost and the men who did them wrong, you can officially call it a soiree.  And you know what that means?  Technically your social life is not over.  And also; there are still people out there who love you.  Why else would they put up with this kind of sub-standard treatment and still listen to your bullshit.  So guess what girl?  You're not alone.  And furthermore you're back in the gentle bosom of your hag sisters.  Stay there!  You're gonna need need them in the days to come.

Step 2; Fags!

For some of you, this might conjure images of smoking a pack and a 1/2 a day until the pain of your broken heart subsides.  I'm not one to advocate for the tobacco industry; so snuff out those nasty butts and listen up.  What I actually had in mind was calling in the wisdom of our man loving brethren.  Do you think for one minute your lovely neighborhood fag is sitting at home listening to Tori Amos and boo hooing about the one who did him wrong?  Well, OK, yes, maybe for one minute; but then that's it.   He's out looking for some strange before the toilet paper roll has to be changed.  

As conventional logic puts it; the fastest way to get over one fool is to get under another.   Or, as a recently cheated on gay pal of mine put it; "I guess it's time to go back to fucking boys who just aren't that special."  And that's exactly what he did.  With a little no nonsense clear communication about his situation and the unavailability of his heart, he offered a cozy spot in his bed to his short list of former lovers and once fantasized about suitors, and found bed buddies in no time.  While the saga of his break-up is by no means over, it probably felt pretty good for him to tell his X --now eager for reconciliation -- that he'd have to think about it, while adding, "…..and while I think about it, continue doing what you want, because now I too am sleeping with other people."  

Perhaps it's more complicated for us women.  After all, we ladies tend to confuse sex and love more often than men.  But when it comes to a post breakup get down, I think we can learn something from our fag friends.  Although your girlfriends might give prudent warnings not rush into anything new, a gay is gonna give it to you straight.  Let's face it, there's nothing like an orgasm for lifting the spirits and putting a little spring back in your step when you're feeling blue.  After a breakup, your heart is broken, but your vagina is still working just fine.  Go on out there and get your groove back the old fashioned way -- naked and writhing with someone whose name has slipped your mind.

Step 3; Bags!

After a breakup, you basically have an obligation to care for yourself like never before.  This will probably be really refreshing after all the energy you've put into your relationship and it's aftermath.  Finally!  It's all about you.  So get into it and really spoil yourself.  Perhaps there's a special something you've been pining after for months but thought it was too extravagant to splurge on?  Well, here's your chance.  Wether it's that sexy pair of strappy and completely unpractical shoes, a Louis Vuitton bag, or a trip to Spain -- don't wait another minute.  Do something nice for yourself with some very external immediate gratification.

Once the retail therapy has commenced, however, you'll probably find that your happiness, while intense, was fleeting.  So what now?  Ladies, this is where the real treat comes in.  You're gonna have to lighten your load; and that means giving up some of this baggage you've begun to carry around with you everywhere you go.  As friends become less sympathetic to your enduring drama, drunken evenings out grow old, and no amount of new clothes & makeup in the world could truly make you feel better, you're gonna have to put down the bags and do some soul searching.  How did you end up here and how can you do it better next time?

It's always easier to give advice than to take it; but rest assured ladies; I took a heaping spoonful of my own medicine, and I'll be sharing the success and failures of my remedies as this blog continues.  Stay tuned for more messages in a bottle from lady emotion beach; and if you are in the midst of a breakup right now, start at step one, move down the list, and repeat; as many times as necessary until you're shipwrecked no more.


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