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I am a licensed esthetician with a great interest in writing. I have recently resurrected my blog Cellar Door Beauty after a years absence. ...
 
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Half Beauty, Half Beast

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I have a beauty confession to make. Or perhaps, I should say beastly confession to make.

This is how I pose for pictures when I can.. with my right arm tucked behind my back.

Everyone has a good side they like to pose in photos with. Now usually our “good side” is all in our minds and we look fabulous from any angle. In my case, that just is not true. I suffer from severe Linear Scleroderma. In a nutshell, collagen overproduction has attacked my healthy muscle tissues and replaced them, for better lack of a word, with scar tissue.

When I was younger, it was just a small band of hardened tissue on my upper right arm. It was hard and stiff, it looked like an extreme muscle curvature. Not much was known about Linear and& Systemic Scleroderma when I was growing up. It was first diagnosed as Morphea, even though it did not match all of the markers for that diagnosis. A doctor asked my mother if she would bring me to a medical convention where hundreds of doctors would have a chance to examine me and take biopsies to attempt to pinpoint exactly what was going on with my arm. Of course my mother said no. There was no way she was going to take her young child to be put on display like a freak show. It would have scarred me permanently, much like my arm.

It wasn’t until around 1991 that doctors started learning about Scleroderma and I finally got a diagnosis. My arm was being attacked by an auto immune disorder that translated to “skin of stone.” We finally had a word for it.

In 1996, a made for TV movie was released called For Hope. It was produced by Bob Saget and was about his sister’s personal battle with Scleroderma. By the end of that movie, I was terrified. I cried for days. Was my entire body going to succumb to this? Would my lungs harden and my hands tighten into claw like shapes? Would my face eventually become so stiff that I would not be able to smile or make expressions? It was the scariest thing I had ever seen, and for all I knew, was a snapshot of my possible future. So we went back to the doctor.

It was soon explained to me that I had Linear Scleroderma, and it was different from Systemic Scleroderma like Bob Saget’s sister Hope had. Unfortunately, I soon learned that not much was truly known about how to treat either form of the disease. There were not enough long term studies yet showing how linear could progress and not many therapies to treat the disease. I was told that linear stays in just one place, usually a leg or the face -- as in the case with Coup De Sabre which is named so because it looks like a scar from a sword cut to the face; children are usually born with it. In my case, it happened to be my right upper arm.

My right arm with linear scleroderma. You can see it start in the shoulder, the shiny line is where

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Cindy Scherwinski 5 pts

Thank you for sharing your story on this public forum. Acceptance and courage and now your desire to reach outside of yourself to bring hope to others. You obviously are a giving person and who I am sure people will admire far more than any physical attribute. Blessings to you.

JennaHatfield 102 pts

I think you're awesome for putting yourself out there and writing this -- sharing your story, sharing your arm, sharing yourself with us.

I did not know about sclerdoma prior to your post, so I thank you for sharing it with us.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

bibliophile21 8 pts

I think it's great that you are taking this step and showing your "beastly" side to the world (although I agree with other commenters that it wasn't as bad as I was expecting). We all have *something* that we prefer to hide and I applaud you for having to courage to put your insecurities out there so they can hopefully no longer control you.

hollyrhodes8 5 pts

I too expected to scroll down and see something pretty bad. I think you look fantastic! I am sure its not something you would want to have but if you think about it, it could be worse! I hope you look at yourself and see beauty like everyone else sees. We are our worst critic! You are beautiful girl own it!!

Roller Coaster Life ( http://hollysrollercoaster.com/ )

write4recovery 5 pts

Tori,

I empathize with you greatly. I self-harmed for over ten years- cutting mostly- which has left me with rows upon rows of scars on my arms, legs, chest, stomach, you name it. I also had a couple of major surgeries and picked at my skin chronically; there really isn't a place on my body that isn't scarred, with the fortunate exception of my face. I applaud your decision not to hide it. I decided the same thing a long time ago. The people who love me and understand what I went through won't care about my scars. And the people who don't and want to judge me can screw off. I hope you can get to that place because it really gave me a lot of peace. Your body is already at war with itself; you don't want to be fighting with your image of it as well. Best wishes.

Tori Jewell 5 pts

I know it is the small things that our minds tend to magnify. I suppose the freakish curiosity of my doctors and the children I attended school with made me more aware of it as I grew older. It is calming and surprising to me to know that people don't really notice much is wrong with my arm in the photo.

Perhaps our minds really do magnify our flaws, whether we want to or not. Fascinating!

Tori is the creatrix behind Cellar Door Beauty ( http://cellardoorbeauty.wordpress.com

abgirl 5 pts

Yes, I have to agree with scottm. It might just the angle you took the picture at, but it looks like a normal arm to me. I, of course, also do not want to trivialize your pain and anxiety. But know that you are actually quite pretty. I'm sure your arm does not look as bad to other people as it does to you, your own worst critic.

midnightbliss 9 pts

everyone of use has certain flaws in our body and oftentimes its also us who makes a big deal out of it. its not easy to have a disease that can be seen by every1 but the sooner we learn to accept it, the sooner we became comfortable with it.

scottm 5 pts

Hi Tori,

I just read your blog on your Linear Scleroderma. I have to say that before I scrolled down, I really was expecting to see something horrid. I don't mean to trivialize the physical pain that you go through, but honestly your arm doesn't look bad at all. People like to ask about scars, or what they assume are scars, because they figure you have a really cool story to tell.

Remember we scrutinize ourselves so much when we look in the mirror, and we see stuff in an exaggerated fashion. We assume that people are just afraid to remark on what we consider our physical flaws, when in fact they often don't even notice. Your arm looks a lot better to everyone else than it does to you. I can see that from the photo.

Again, the pain is one thing. You can call that a beast. But you look great.